My Hollaback Story

I was inspired recently to share a story of street-harassment that I went through, because a lot of the anger I carried around for years was about feeling helpless in these situations, and for some reason they happened to me exponentially more when I was unemployed. There is something about being a lone woman at 2:00pm on a Wednesday that makes you more likely to be a target for some reason. This is only one of many stories, but it was by far the scariest:

I was once riding my bicycle back from Trader Joe's during the day, when a man who was also on bike started following me. I didn't notice when he first appeared, but in hindsight, I'm pretty sure he was in the parking lot, and kept a safe distance as I left, then caught up to me on a small quiet side-street where there were less people.

He didn't say anything overtly sexual or lewd, but he was definitely coming onto me in a very aggressive way, not as someone showing interest, but as someone who saw an opportunity to belittle me as he made it very clear with his body language that he could do what he liked with me at any moment. I had bought myself flowers that day, and he kept commenting on how I was very beautiful like those flowers—like a thing, and something about his tone made chills run down my spine. I ignored him, which is when he started calling me a "fucking bitch" and a "stupid stuck-up cunt." I felt like I couldn't even breathe, because anything I did wrong might set him off physically—there was sporadic traffic, but I didn't trust people to intervene, so I just kept my eyes ahead and tried to get to a busier street as quickly as possible without looking quite as terrified as I was. He passed me and slowed down to a snail's pace, just to prove that I was too afraid to pass him, and that's when I truly began to panic. Thankfully, a row of cars came by at that time, and I jolted back into action. I pedaled like hell. I made it to Mass Ave in record time, safely and without incident, and I lost him in a crowd of cars and people.

I later talked to my therapist about it, and it affected him so much that he ended up asking a police officer on traffic duty, out of curiosity, if I should have reported it. The police officer said emphatically that, yes, I should have reported it. Maybe nothing happened to me, but I'm surely not the only woman he harassed that day, that week, that month...Regardless of what he did or didn't do to any other women what he did to me was a crime. I could have (and should have) biked to the closest police station with a description immediately. Better yet, now I know to try to take photos when I can. I have not had another incident quite this scary since then, but I wish I had not had to learn this lesson this way. I don't go down the long quiet street for the pleasant bike ride without being aware of my surroundings, and knowing my options for getting, quickly, to a more trafficked area. I wear a camera on my helmet. I shouldn't have to do any of this. But I do. Because I can't go for a jog without getting honked at, wolf whistled, picked up. And that isn't even the sinister side of street harassment. The wolf whistles are NOTHING like the FEAR that I felt that day, and I don't think that he was just a "guy being a guy"—I have no doubt that if those cars hadn't come by, this would be a very different story.

One day four years ago, a man thought that a lone woman grocery shopping in the middle of the day was a target instead of a person. And that makes me angry for all of the women, and all of the harassment.

Depressing Unemployment Statistics via mintlife

This video that i saw on the Mint Personal Life Blog was a little bit depressing, a little bit enlightening, and incredibly depressing. I may have some leads on a few jobs, but right now, all I want to do is crawl under the covers and wake up in the spring.

The video is a little bit annoying, but you have to get to the end to get the point. However, there is a graphic on the post that shows the same information. Click on the image to make it larger:

How I've Tried To Save Money

I've been talking about saving money a lot recently, and I figured I'd share some of the ways I have managed to do that. The biggest savings I have seen in recent months has been in school supplies. I searched high and low for an inexpensive binder for all of the materials my professor has been giving us, but ended up going with something at Target that was functional—I was looking at the start of the school year, of course, so I was left with the bare bones. A day later, while we were at the recycling center, J pointed me towards a whole box full of binders! They were basically brand new, and after cleaning them off, they were even better than the cheapo one I'd picked up at Target for nearly $4 (after taxes)! So here are some of the ways I've been saving:

• Getting binder from recycling center ($4)
• Finding my T-square at Goodwill. They usually run around $20, and the wood ones can be even more expensive, but we'll just say that after paying $7 for this barely used wood T-Square at Goodwill, I saved ($13)
  
• Getting my textbook from the library. I did end up purchasing it after reading it, deciding I'd use it long after the class was over, and getting a 25% off coupon from Borders.com. I also had it shipped to the store to save on shipping costs (they were out of stock at all of my local stores and amazon, so shipping was necessary). I ended up getting a $21 (at brick and mortar stores) $17 (online) book for $13 ($8 if for some reason I had needed to buy it Right Now at the store, $4 if I could have waited for shipping, but not a coupon).
  
• I use cereal boxes to ship things that I sell on half.com and ebay. They're sturdy, and we're going to recycle them, anyway. If I cut them correctly, I don't use that much tape, so the cost of supplies I might have to buy is negligible. To pad them, I use newspaper or packing materials from things we've had shipped. I doubt I've saved much (since you can usually get packing materials on the cheap with very little effort), but it also saves me a trip to the post office/store, and thins our recycling pile, which brings me to the next item:
  
• Buying my postage online. You can get free priority boxes delivered to your address (I usually only use cereal boxes when my stuff doesn't fit in these boxes). If you purchase priority shipping on usps.com and print it out yourself, you save 10¢, and you get free delivery confirmation, which is a savings of about 85¢ per box shipped. I still have to go to the post office if the package is too big for a mailbox drop, but it's a faster trip. (I've saved $4.25 in the past month)
  
• I downgraded my cell phone plan. I'm lucky enough not to be under contract, so I have some options that I can easily change on a month-to-month basis. I'm contemplating a change in carrier in the near future, but for now I determined I could save $5/month by downgrading my daytime minutes. I rarely use my phone at the moment, anyway. ($10 so far)
• Taking reusable bags to the grocery store. I usually need two bags, which gets us a 10¢ discount (5¢/bag). Since we've started cooking more, I've gone to this store about once a week, sometimes less sometimes more, but I'd say it averages once a week. It's kind of insignificant at 5¢ a bag, but over a year we end up getting $5 for doing something we are already doing. Our local Target has now implemented the same policy, which I think is a great reward for a habit we already have. (~$5 this year)
• Buying generic milk. We both drink different kinds of milk, but I buy half-gallons for us every week. The generic is not only 50¢ cheaper, it's equally sustainable as the name brand we used to buy. This will save us up to $52 in a year. ($4 so far)
  

So, $50 later, I thought it was worth documenting. There are lots of little things I do these days that don't take much of my time, but because I do have the time (and not the money) it's worth the extra effort to save a few dollars. I could further calculate things like making our own pizza, which I know for a fact saves a ton of money (as often as we eat pizza!), but I thought I'd stick to things I've consciously done in the last two months.

Even though I can't fathom the time when I can start markedly saving up again, I have some significant financial goals I'd like to reach sometime in the next five years. If I can learn to live like this when I have a more appreciable income, it will be so much easier.

Unemployment Insurance

I have been on hold with the Unemployment Insurance office for 39 minutes (as of now). The reason? Somehow when I signed up and claimed the severance from EYP, I was one week off, claiming two weeks' severance, when in reality my vacation payout counted as a third week of severance pay. After you lose your job, you are required to wait one week after your last paid week before you can start collecting Insurance. As a result of this incorrect reporting, I was paid a week early. This means that when I collected my first measly check three weeks after my last day at EYP, I was supposed to have waited one more week without an income. This all makes sense now, but I wish that someone had clued me in when I was filing my paperwork (where I was totally honest with $ amounts and was not trying to scam anyone, for the record).

I don't really know who to be more frustrated with, because this is all my fault in the end. Sure, the questions were "confusing," but maybe I could have asked. Although I was sure at the time that I was doing things correctly, I probably could have double and triple checked. I'm mad at myself, more than anyone.

But I'm also pissed at EYP. What kind of petty bullshit are they pulling over there that it has now been two weeks that I have had zero income because they can't deal with this crap in a timely manner. Hey, guys, as long as you're disputing claims over $300 whole miserable dollars, why don't you go ahead and do it asap - it must be nice not to give a shit about time lines since you're sitting all fat and sassy with your next paycheck on it's way this week, huh? That also goes for the Insurance office for not dealing with this in a timely fashion on my behalf.

If the money thing weren't such an issue, this would all be pretty awesome, no longer having to answer to a soulless corporate company, but they still have that hold over me, and that's about as frustrating as barely having enough to cover next month's rent and utilities right now.

Can't wait until this is completely behind me - and I can pretend never to have heard of EYP - "Isn't that the company that had the massive Gonorrhea outbreak? No? Then I've never heard of them." (47 minutes on hold)

Thanks For the Personal Growth, Though, Assholes.

Every time I see the title on my previous entry, I read "Will Knit for Tacos." Upon further reflection, I have decided that I will also knit for tacos, because I have finally reached the end of my severance funded vacation. This means that next week, I start receiving unemployment benefits. Ouch. Talk about a pay cut.

So the other day, J brought home Bud Light Lime. The king of...lime flavored beers. "It was on sale," he said. "I'm a grad student, and you're not working right now. Tonight we're going to drink like it."

It tasted faintly of limeade, it didn't really taste like...what's the word? Beer. If you visit their website, though, by clicking on the image to the left, you can download a free remix of Santogold's Lights Out. Redemption factor: 3/10.

The time off part isn't so bad, really. I set my own schedule, and as long as I don't wake up in the middle of the night, in a panic thinking about health insurance or the fate of my [former] 401k, I can actually start my day at a reasonable hour and get work done. Last night was, unfortunately, a wake up in a panic night. I bolted out of bed to make a To Do list just to stop my heart from pounding so loudly in my head. I couldn't stop thinking about my health insurance and the library book I had to pick up and how the fuck we were going to pay for rent and utilities and still not have to supplement our diet of ramen noodles by dumpster diving (is it at all that bad? No, of course not. Try telling me that at three in the morning). I felt like a rock was sitting on my chest.

I'm going to level with you, though. The stress of my current situation still hasn't rivaled the stress of working for an understaffed corporate nonentity that is in desperate need of management training. I don't work well under those parameters, and I might point out that my panic attacks started with that job and didn't simmer down until after the side effects of my anti-depressants went away. I may have been comfortable with the steady income, but having my happiness compromised on a daily basis was wearing pretty thin by the end. Sundays were unbearable because of the dread I felt - upon waking up in the morning - that tomorrow was, ugh, Monday.

I need to find something I enjoy doing that pays a teeny bit more than the unemployment insurance - with medical benefits. That shouldn't be so hard. And in the meantime - in the daylight, at least - I am enjoying the time off to the fullest of my ability. Who needs a job when they've got daytime TV?

[Currently Spinning: Yeah Yeah Yeahs]

Will Knit for Tattoos

I lost my job last monday. I'm not going to beat around the bush here: I am so effing happy about it. I was not happy doing what I was doing, and I needed a change so badly. It wasn't a matter of whether or not I was going to walk into my manager's office and quit, it was a matter of when. Yes, they made that decision a little bit easier for me by letting me go, thereby making my *life* a little bit more difficult (maybe?), but I haven't been this excited about anything since I got into MIT.

I've started developing my own website, where I plan on hosting my portfolio, and maybe eventually my blog. I've started to spray paint our dining room chairs, which were in serious need of an overhaul. And most importantly, I've gained a lot of perspective. I don't know what I want to do with my life, but that's okay. I have a general direction, now.

The tears come streaming down your face when you lose something you can't replace

Sometimes I feel like I have a really good entry started in my head, and when I sit down to type, I can get a good first sentence out, maybe, then...Nothing.

I cleaned out a lot of drafts the other day - half formed thoughts that were never published, things about people I know that shouldn't be on the Internet, stories that should be told by someone who can tell a story. In other words, things that would be clever if they weren't written by me.

Sometimes it's just because I have nothing clever to say. Other times I have very clever things to say, but no clever way to say them. And then, sometimes, maybe there are things in the back of my mind that I should write about -- but I don't want to write about.

Like the unemployment thing. Maybe it would help if people knew how I feel right now. How I feel like it's a dirty word: "Unemployed." And how I feel dirty because of it. Or how clever synonyms like "in between jobs" no longer sound more clever. Instead, after a few months, they sound just as repulsive to me. Lately I feel like it's a label that I'm wearing on my lapel for everyone to see. Hello, my name is Unemployed. As though people in the supermarket on a Wednesday afternoon know.

I met someone at a party a few weeks ago, and after what I thought was a stimulating conversation about the hassle of finding a new apartment, we started talking about what we "do." He was talking about how he just starting his residency at a local hospital, and I became incredibly embarrassed and started talking really stupidly about how I'm "in-between jobs" (and I'm pretty sure I used air quotes and rolled my eyes. I don't remember if I explained how that was just the fancy way of saying "I collect unemployment checks" and then laughed nervously, but that's where it was headed). I was even more embarrassed when he excused himself to the other room, and at the time, I reasoned that it was the stink of "the unemployed" that drove him away, instead of my manic, nervous reaction to the question "what do you do?" Instead of rationalizing that he wasn't interested in speaking to me anymore because I was significantly younger than he was, or because of my attitude (and maybe my drunkenness), I reasoned that it was because I was an "untouchable."

I know I have such an unhealthy attitude about my situation right now, and I know it's not helping anything to be pessimistic and downtrodden, but what can I do about that? Will I feel better when I get a job? Am I doing permanent damage to my psyche? Even going to church makes me feel nervous, and why? Shutting myself up in my apartment certainly isn't going to help, so why do I do it?

I just don't know anymore. And I feel like such an uninteresting person these days.

And I don't know what to do about it, anymore.

[Currently Spinning: Coldplay - Fix You]

I Am B-U-M-M-E-D, Bummed, Guys :(

But at least this thing got off to a better start this time:

My friends start coming in tomorrow, starting with Jess, ending with Laura and T-baby on Thursday. It couldn't have come at a better time, y'all.

I want a job. I'm a good worker, I promise. I'm very quiet, and I like to listen to directions, and I don't even take lunch breaks! I like to make my boss happy, and I work late and I don't even mind! Why won't you hire me?

"I just need something to happen. I need a sign that things are gonna change. I need a reason to go on. I need some hope! And in the absence of hope I need to stay in bed and feel like I might die today."

A New Wind is Going to Find Your Sail; That's Where Your Journey Starts

My job hunt is starting to suck. A lot. As opposed to before when it just plain sucked.

The firms that aren't interested don't even bother to tell me they aren't, and the ones that are don't have any projects right now, but really want me "if something comes in." *Heaves huge SIGH*

I hope that this contract-for-hire position the temp agency found comes through. Again, they're looking for more experienced people, but you never really know. Sometimes they're willing to rethink things if someone they can pay less comes in with *just enough* experience. That's what I keep telling myself, anyway.

[Currently Spinning: Tim McGraw - Please Remember Me]

Except It's Not So Much Fun

It's More Caffeine Time!

I'm updating from work because I needed a break from this stupid model that's driving me crazy.

I have absolutely NO desire/interest in finishing it. I just flat out don't want to. Unfortunately, my boss came in and thanked me for my time here, told me he'd be more than happy to give me a reference when I apply for jobs (this man sits on the board of one of the most prestigious Architecture schools in the country), and shook my hand.

I had glue on my finger when he shook my hand. And I was gnawing on a toothpick. And don't even get me started on what I look like at midnight after Indian food and nary a cloth to clean my glasses properly and twelve cups of tea....and poo. Responsibility is weighing heavily on my shoulders. Also the desire not to get bad-mouthed all over the place. And really, how can you just screw over a guy who looked at the model you made and said, "It looks great. Now gesso the crap out of it."

I just want to go home. I want to be done with this. Except...the whole "no job again" thing is kind of grating on my nerves. I'm scared and angry and sad and upset and just...aaaaah!

I think it's time for more caffeine. Then, back to work.

Now Listening: Grey's Anatomy Playlist (AKA the "I want to kill myself...oh wait, there's Gnarles Barkley...Ok, I want to kill myself again...Oh, wait! There's Diplo Rhythm!" &tc. playlist)

Unemployment Checks and Roommate Notes

I haven't been getting my unemployment checks yet, but today I was able to call and settle things. They have this thing...if your social security number ends in certain digits, you have to call after certain days. For me, this is Wednesday. I have an incredible amount of respect for the people who work at the unemployment office. Every time I have spoken with them, they have hung up cheerily, optimistically, and wishing me "good luck" with my job search. I understand that you just can't tolerate negativity in your employees when they deal, on a day to day basis, with people who are potentially depressed or even suicidal [because they just lost their jobs], but it's still incredibly refreshing to be the idiot on one end of the phone instead of the other way around (I filled in my form incorrectly last week - oops).

Oh! I had a dream that this boy, Carl who I knew in middle and high school, had called me "just to chat." This is far outside of the realm of reality - in fact, the last time Carl and I spoke was when he humiliated me in front of his orchestra pals because I owed him 35 cents. I learned an important lesson about a) the difference between asking jerks who sit next to you in section to lend you money for the vending machine and asking friends to lend you money for the vending machine, and b) the difference between asking if you can "borrow" something or if you can "bum" something. Also c) the importance of ascertaining which category the person falls into, and if it's the first - pay them back the very next day, otherwise that's when they'll take the opportunity to yell and then laugh at you scornfully - no mercy! Anyway, it's no secret that we didn't like each other, even though were were almost-friends in middle school. He's still in contact with some people from HS that I know, but they run in different circles and it's not a problem. Last Carl was in my life it was as a ghost - years ago at a summer concert where someone admitted Carl had spread a particular rumor about me to the entire group. It was true, but I kept cool as a cucumber and neither denied it nor admitted to it. I just kind of stood there with "a look" on my face (I have so many looks...and yet only one - it was one of those).

This morning, Alisa left me a note on our whiteboard: It's a beautiful day outside!! Take a walk, go for a run, take some pictures!

*smiles* Thanks, Alisa. I will. Again - only confirmation that I won the roommate lottery, and also a glimmer of hope that Dusty wasn't lying when she told me "I know it sounds cliché, but sometimes things really are darkest before the dawn." Things that make me genuinely smile are rare these days, but they're still there.

Now Reading: Everything is Illuminated by Joseph Safran Foer
Now Listening: Switchfoot - This is Your Life
Now Knitting: SOCK!!
Now drinking: Hazlenut Creme/Harvard Blend blend coffee - the *perfect* cup of coffee

Quotes of the Week

"He just wanted to see if my life without him was the same.
It's not.
It's much better."
----------
"Is that a Wu Tang Clan shirt?"
"No, It says Dinky's Donuts."
----------
"Matt, are you wearing a Wu Tang Clan shirt?"
"No, it's a picture of a muffin"
----------
"All of us are going to be orphans! Except Kristina, because I'm going to kill her.
With my chopsticks."
"I've seen you use chopsticks. I'm not scared."
----------
...&tc. And this is why I love my friends. A real entry will follow soon, because I just had the most amazing job interview today and I really, really, really hope that I get this job. I am about to send a "thanks for the interview" email, but some really annoying-yet-catchy japanese music just popped up on my playlist and now I can't concentrate. (Uh, thanks Ben)

Irish Car Bombs & Loaded Questions

Last night, Jessica, Ben, Emily and Matt came over. We were going to play Balderdash, but ended up deciding we had enough people for loaded questions, instead. Before the games began, we did the Irish Car Bombs...

["Oh my, this is disgusting"]

["The dixie cups do float! Oh no, my shot is just floating on top of the Guiness! I'm going to pour it out"]


As you can see from the progression of the pictures, the car bombs were not successful.

During Loaded Questions, one of the questions was "What is your favorite word for the male anatomy?" Ben had the pleasure of reading off the answers for that one:



And Emily demonstrated knitting: movie style. You know how when they knit in the movies or on TV, sometimes they do it upside down? Yeah...:

The highlight of my evening, however, was when Matt showed up with a card for me. It was a sympathy card, but he relpaced some of the words: "Such a sweet little soul job could never be forgotten. With sympathy on the loss of your pet job." Seriously the funniest card ever.

So, Dear Public, I'm Here to Confess That I'm The One Who Freed Us From This Mess

I want to give a big thank you and hugs to anyone whose been supportive in the past few days. Emily, Skylar, and Matt, Harvard, Alisa, Jessica, Sara, Peter, my parents. And anyone else I might have overlooked.

I know I am strong and will get through this. In fact, Ben kind of hit the nail on the head when he said there was a slight twinge of relief in my voice, because I certainly didn't want to be stuck here forever (i.e. until grad school). To be completely honest, I'd been flirting with the idea of looking for another job anyway, and was probably about a month away from actually doing it, and really, what's a month? I'll tell you what a month is. It's the difference between me being non-committal, and me being a victim of circumstance, and you know what? I'll take it.

I am a little excited, to tell the truth. A lot scared, but a little excited about the possibilities.

I also think I've made some headway on the grad school decision. Houston isn't lookin' so bad anymore...And maybe St. Louis wouldn't be so scary this time around. You know? It's nice to have options sometimes.

Now Listening: XTC - I'm The Man Who Murdered Love

Some of God's Greatest Gifts...And All That

So, I don't want this to be the little corner of the Internets where I whine and drone on and on about my sad little life. Everything that has happened to me has happened for a reason, and I can cope with that. This is not wah-fest '06 or anything.

Having prefaced with that...

2005 was a rough year for me. In January, my grandmother passed away. My grandmother who happened to help raise me - who I was terribly close to, and the guilt I felt about being in New York when she passed on (as though I was supposed to have been able to change the fact that I was going to college 2000 miles away because she passed on unexpectedly). I missed her, and it broke my heart, but it also broke my spirit. I didn't know who I was, or where I was headed, and so I clung to the one thing I knew, which was me and college boyfriend, even though I had been questioning the relationship for a long time. I had to find a job after college, but none of that mattered, because I had a guy, even if I didn't have my lovely grandmother anymore. The job would come.

But the job didn't come. Resume after resume went out, and the companies I did hear from weren't interested in someone without a B.Arch, or paying living wage, which would have been a bigger deal in Manhattan than, say, Texas.

Then, in June, my whole world came crashing down. Three days before I was going to move everything I owned into a two-bedroom apartment on the Upper East Side, I was dumped. I was dumped in the middle of my graduation week, which didn't stop him from coming to the graduation even though I had to pay $150 for his extra ticket. I guess he thought he was doing the right thing, even though he showed no respect to my parents the whole time and let me endure it all with red rimmed eyes while I was shaking hands with the president of MIT, while I was taking pictures in my cap and gown, while I was trying to be happy that such a happy day had finally come, even though I was torn apart inside that my grandmother couldn't be there.

So armed with my degree, but with no place to go, no job, no apartment after my summer was up at WILG (and I was lucky I even had that...if the rooms had all been rented out as they usually were, I would have been in trouble).

First things first, I had to find a job, and probably not on that putrid island called Manhattan, which was big, but not nearly big enough, or far enough from college boyfriend. I changed tack and started applying in Boston, Cambridge, and the surrounding T-accessible areas. I found a living situation in a matter of weeks, but on top of all of all of this, I was trying to pick up and mend the pieces of my heart. I truly didn't know where to begin. Even when it all fell into place, I lived disjointedly, disconnected from all of the good fortune I had because of my wonderful friends - and my family. For months I lived this way.

Then I did something pretty stupid. I started dating a friend. He went to Harvard and he was my best friend's high school friend. I don't regret dating him, and part of me will always love him. As a friend. The feelings I have now are...well, they're a little sad, a little...something. But they're nowhere near as bad as the not knowing. The searching. The agony of waiting for him to come around or not come around.

For a brief, shining moment, I was truly happy. It was on my birthday, and a small buffer of time around then.

So, for those of you who don't know where this is headed, I was laid off yesterday. I have two weeks left of paid work, then I'm out. Unemploymentville, population: me.

Life has come full circle, and I'm where I never wanted to be again. Why couldn't the roulette wheel have stopped spinning on January 14th, instead?

I know that there's a bigger plan out there for me. I know I just need to have a little faith. I know this is just a rough patch (they're all just rough "patches"), and eventually soon, I will be past it. I know that these experiences enrich my life. It's just so difficult to see that when I'm standing in the thick of the shattered pieces of my broken dreams.

But for now, there's portfolio work, unemployment lines, and interviews galore (God-willing).

And maybe...there's a little bit of a glimmer of hope, too.