The Jaw Surgery That Wasn't

I was supposed to be getting jaw surgery today. A LeFort I Osteotomy, which would correct my upper jaw, and (hopefully) relieve me of jaw pain that gets so bad sometimes that I'm afraid my head will just explode right then and there out of sheer agony. I am obviously not getting the surgery today due to a number of reasons that are entirely not my fault, but for reasons that I keep blaming on myself, anyway.

My insurance didn't come through, which isn't a huge surprise given that my surgeon's office sent the request in right before a holiday. We planned this surgical date on October 18th, though. After years of waiting for this, I scheduled this date in good faith that a month and a half would be enough time for them to secure the operating room, contact my insurance, jump through hoops the insurance would probably put us through, and then I thought we would finally get this DONE.

So, to be exact, I have been waiting for the go ahead to get this done for two years. I have been through no less than three insurance providers in the course of my waiting. Unfortunately, fate timed this date such that when it was scheduled I would be covered by an insurance company that is not local, and thus does not operate under Massachusetts code, and thus has been a huge pain in my ass - repeatedly and for every variety of medical care I've ever needed. In the meantime, my jaw pain has progressed, and sometimes I wake up and it's locked up so tightly that I have to use a heating pack on my face. So that I can eat. Or, you know, function.

I have been in braces for almost three years now. The braces haven't really been doing much; my teeth haven't moved in the last two years. The worst part about having braces as an adult is...well, having braces as an adult. I know I'm the only one who matters that even notices them as a negative thing. Both my boyfriend and my best friend have repeatedly told me that the braces aren't even a fraction of a thought on people's minds, but they are still all I can think about when I'm meeting someone for the first time, or smiling, or laughing. Or looking into a mirror.

I am fine, really. I was fine in Minnesota, when I didn't have to think about it, and I'm fine now, even though I am so ridiculously confused and sad and disoriented. I hate whoever it was, whatever collection of events it was, that caused me to have to take back all of the paperwork only to have to do it again sometime soon. Whatever caused me to have to cancel my mother's $800 flight and several hundred dollar rental car because I will need her here when I get my surgery and we can't just spend $1000 every time we get dicked around. I hate that I was forced to rent a zipcar for the purpose of rushing some dental molds to an office in another city, only to find out that it didn't matter, anymore - and then get an icing-on-the-cake parking ticket from the good old city of Somerville.

I am so bummed. And queasy, and tired. I don't know why I'm queasy, but I am. I have been since I found out that my surgery date was going to come and go, and I wasn't going to be able to do a thing about it. It's hard to take out anger on the source when there really isn't one.

I think it's about time to finally start throwing bricks at cars that don't stop at stop lights or yield to my bike when I have the right of way. I mean, the anger has to go somewhere. I can't just keep it inside!

Woo, Turkey!

Happy Thanksgiving!

I am off to Minnesota to (hopefully, if the skies are on my side) spend dinner with my sister, and Laura and her family. For now, I'm leaving a link to a blog post I found on digg that was pretty interesting. I'd like to live my life with a little bit less cynicism, but that's another topic for another time, I suppose. Right now, I have to pack.

http://thinksimplenow.com/happiness/how-to-be-naked-like-a-baby/

I am fairly sure that if they took porn off the internet, there would only be one website left and it would be called "bring back the porn"

I am busy as all holy hell and will stay that way until I leave for Minnesota. Updates, although there are probably many, will be scarce -- as they have been.

Until then, you, who found this blog via google.co.uk (and not only that, but I am the number one hit...What the...?):

http://www.google.co.uk/search?hl=en&q=flickr.panties.&btnG=Search&meta=

You are disgusting. That is not what the Internet is for.

Fiery Bolero

I finished the fiery bolero last night. Even though it doesn't fit me, I'm still pretty happy with the way it turned out. The seaming was a little bit touch and go, and was maybe a bit messy in places, but after I got the hang of picking up stitches for the collar, I realized that this knitting thing...it isn't so hard with enough practice.

So now I need to find someone just a little bit bigger than me to wear it. I want one for myself oh so badly...but not badly enough to rip this one out.

Mulesing and Circumcision

I was reading up on mulesing on Wikipedia today because I keep hearing about it in the knitting and animal rights worlds. There was an interesting thread on ravelry, so I decided to do a little research (emphasis on a little).

My first thought was that it sounds absolutely horrible. Then again, so can circumcision and it sounded a little bit like circumcision.

The non-wooled skin which is around the anus (and vulva in ewes) is pulled tight as the cut heals and results in a smooth area that does not get fouled by fæces or urine.

When managed according to the standards, policies and procedures developed by the CSIRO, lambs are normally mulesed a few weeks after birth. The operation takes one to two minutes. Standard practice is to do this operation simultaneously with other procedures such as ear marking, tail docking, and vaccination. Because the procedure removes skin, not any underlying flesh or structure, there is little blood loss from the cut other than a minor oozing on the edges of the cut skin.

but I hadn't seen it paralleled to circumcision anywhere, yet. I wondered if that was incredibly ignorant of me.

I wrote a paper in college that began as an FGM paper, but by the time I researched and edited, and re-researched and re-edited, it had turned into a paper about male circumcision: the unknown horrors. In all of the cases I have been familiar with, circumcision didn't leave a physical impact or, to my knowledge, an emotional one, but I have to admit that my sample size is small. Very small. Is it really a matter of hygeine? Or is it about cosmetics, or Victorian views on masturbation? Can it traumatize the baby? Is it worth it? The research I did raised more questions than it answered, and I could only address so many in the paper -- I wasn't answering them, anyway, I was so confused.

I guess my question was, am I crazy for comparing mulesing to circumcision, and going further, is either one inhumane enough to call for the eradication of the practice?

It seems that there is a resounding assertion that museling is just plain wrong. However, after doing a quick Google search on circumcision and museling, I found that I just haven't been reading closely enough, because a lot of people seem to draw on the parallel.

I haven't come to a conclusion on either topic at the moment. More research than I genuinely care to do right now would be required, but I think both are interesting.

I also wanted to post this comment found at treehugger.com:

I believe Ethan [a previous poster] is comparing muesling to his own circumcision... I wonder if [he] realizes that lambs are born far more physically advanced than humans - that is to say baby sheep are at par developmentally with beginning school aged children (I know that sheep don't do the whole spoken language thing, so spare me. I mean that they walk, explore, have the capacity to learn, etc. - something which took Ethan a year or three to warm up to). So, Ethan, if your first day of school commenced with being circumcised sans anaesthesia, would you still have graduated?

All of the above aside, here's a bit of background not covered by the wiki link:
1.) Sheep's posteriors have been covered with wool for thousands of years.
2.) Feces and urine have probably been getting stuck there for just as long.
3.) Flies have been around for even longer than that.
4.) Two world wars in the first half of the last century, and the amassing of armies to fight them, created an unprecedented demand for wool for uniforms. This demand led to a new manner of raising livestock, and the acceptance of the practice of mulesing.

The issue isn't so much flystrike, it's that the animals are now raised in conditions which cause it. All you have to do is keep their bums clean! With one ranch-hand per hundred sheep this was not a problem, but with one per a thousand you have a bunch of dirty animals... If you take out the animal equation, mulesing is to wool what pesticides and preservatives are to food. Do you only buy organic vegetables? Then do the same with your next sweater and support companies like SmartWool.

Maybe no more educational than everything else I've read today, but I thought it was interesting.

I only have so much to give, too

I am so tired of being angry all the time.

I feel like every step in this recovery has been slow and painful; every time I look ahead to see how far I have to go, I feel like I am staring down an endless highway, and when I look back to see how far I've come, I've traveled an inch.

I feel so helpless and frustrated and clumsy, like I'm stuck being insecure and inept and completely hopeless while I wait to become someone better.

I feel like no one is listening to me, and by the time I demand to be heard, by the time I want to scream at people to look at me, pay attention to me -- tell me everything is going to be okay -- all I do is push people away. I have absolutely no idea how to ask for what I need, and how can I blame people for not meeting expectations I don't even know I have?

My world is falling so short of what I have hoped for right now, and I have no idea how to reconcile that.

Recipe for a not so bad day, after all

To cure an insanely bad day at work, take this zucchini bread recipe, some bad TV, and a sweet boyfriend. Mix thoroughly.

Luckiest Girl in the World

Last night I had the most wonderful dream.

I was at "work," and had run downstairs to go grab lunch. On my way out, I asked my boyfriend -- this beefy Irish guy that I worked with -- what he wanted for lunch. He was feeling sick, so he wanted a very specific soup. When I ran downstairs to grab it for him, I bumped into another co-worker, my best friend J. I had just grabbed a semi-viable substitution for the soup that they did not have, but J asked if I wanted to join him for lunch in the park, and I completely forgot about my sick boyfriend waiting upstairs.

We walked across the street and sat near some flowers under a tree. I was having such a good time, and he was so beautiful and sweet and funny. I had had the biggest crush on him for the longest time and it was so painful because I had this really sweet mild mannered boyfriend, but I was in love with J. He was so perfect and we were so wonderful together - I mean, we were best friends. I was torn up inside and I had no idea what I was going to do.

I woke up and looked around -- I was already dating J. He mumbled something in his sleep and scratched his nose. I settled back down into the covers, feeling warm and happy. I was already with my best friend. He was laying right there next to me.

Blogging because I have too much time on my hands

Okay, I'm going to do what I do best and turn this Nov. 1^st blog post into a bitch fest (I'm participating in NaBloPoMo), because today I have a rant.

I've been fielding comments over on flickr due to J's recent Internet fame. I shouldn't. Field the comments, I mean. Especially after we Googled it and had a riotous laugh about some of the comments on other blogs that I have zero control over:

I think its unique even though its ugly.

Is it me or wearing a social site costume is the best way to tell everybody around that you don't have a social life ?

Photoshop.

Where are the ads?
Obviously, the party has Firefox with Adblock.

Yes. HILARIOUS. And somewhat ironically hilarious given the spoof comments J came up with.

The vast majority of the comments have been nice. Some guy on digg was tickled by the "easter eggs," and the gearfuse guy was the first to point out that J didn't have enough stars.

Some people were just downright OFFENDED that they came up with the idea first but weren't plastered all over the Internet. I'm sorry that just because he didn't do it first, J happened to do it right. I'm sorry your fragile little egos were so bruised you had to be offended at all (although some of you were just sharing for sharing's sake, so I'm not speaking at y'all). I mean honestly, guys. I just posted a picture I took to flickr. Panties, unbunch.

Then, along the same vein, there are the people who felt compelled to link to their similar, yet less creative, costumes that "only took 15 minutes to make and were better." Seriously? It's not a contest. But if it were, shouldn't you have a little bit more pride in your work? First of all, don't tell me it took 15 minutes because I saw the link you posted and I know roughly how long it takes to make poster boards. You, unfortunately, invested more than 15 minutes in that. Add time for not actually thinking of witty comments, but instead just printing your costume off the Internet. Awesome! You can use a glue stick! Don't you have more dignity than that? Are you twelve?*

But there's one that really burns my butt, and it has come up with regards to my knitting so I felt it deserved an entry because it makes me want to stab people in the eye. This is the, "You must have so much time on your hands," comment.

Too. Much. Time. On my hands. On the Internet, I am incapable of giving the withering stare that I have perfected for just such occasions. Are you seriously telling me that because I made time to do something that makes me happy, that it is more frivolous than the time you spend farting around doing whatever it is that you do that does not interest me at all? Next time it happens I'm going to say something about the new 26 hour day I've converted to, and how they should try it.

I know that I am judgmental, but christ. Do people even think when they open their mouths anymore?

*There's no piggy-backing on my flickr page. If your comment was deleted, it was because you're a dick, because you had the audacity to post a link to your costume while calling someone who had the EXACT SAME IDEA AS YOU lame (you want some of those hits? Stop being a dick and maybe I'd allow the referral from my page), or because you annoyed me. It's my photo, my paid space on flickr, my rules. Post your links elsewhere. Be idiots elsewhere. Digg might be a good place for that.