06 November 2007

I only have so much to give, too

I am so tired of being angry all the time.

I feel like every step in this recovery has been slow and painful; every time I look ahead to see how far I have to go, I feel like I am staring down an endless highway, and when I look back to see how far I've come, I've traveled an inch.

I feel so helpless and frustrated and clumsy, like I'm stuck being insecure and inept and completely hopeless while I wait to become someone better.

I feel like no one is listening to me, and by the time I demand to be heard, by the time I want to scream at people to look at me, pay attention to me -- tell me everything is going to be okay -- all I do is push people away. I have absolutely no idea how to ask for what I need, and how can I blame people for not meeting expectations I don't even know I have?

My world is falling so short of what I have hoped for right now, and I have no idea how to reconcile that.