23 February 2006

Some of God's Greatest Gifts...And All That

So, I don't want this to be the little corner of the Internets where I whine and drone on and on about my sad little life. Everything that has happened to me has happened for a reason, and I can cope with that. This is not wah-fest '06 or anything.

Having prefaced with that...

2005 was a rough year for me. In January, my grandmother passed away. My grandmother who happened to help raise me - who I was terribly close to, and the guilt I felt about being in New York when she passed on (as though I was supposed to have been able to change the fact that I was going to college 2000 miles away because she passed on unexpectedly). I missed her, and it broke my heart, but it also broke my spirit. I didn't know who I was, or where I was headed, and so I clung to the one thing I knew, which was me and college boyfriend, even though I had been questioning the relationship for a long time. I had to find a job after college, but none of that mattered, because I had a guy, even if I didn't have my lovely grandmother anymore. The job would come.

But the job didn't come. Resume after resume went out, and the companies I did hear from weren't interested in someone without a B.Arch, or paying living wage, which would have been a bigger deal in Manhattan than, say, Texas.

Then, in June, my whole world came crashing down. Three days before I was going to move everything I owned into a two-bedroom apartment on the Upper East Side, I was dumped. I was dumped in the middle of my graduation week, which didn't stop him from coming to the graduation even though I had to pay $150 for his extra ticket. I guess he thought he was doing the right thing, even though he showed no respect to my parents the whole time and let me endure it all with red rimmed eyes while I was shaking hands with the president of MIT, while I was taking pictures in my cap and gown, while I was trying to be happy that such a happy day had finally come, even though I was torn apart inside that my grandmother couldn't be there.

So armed with my degree, but with no place to go, no job, no apartment after my summer was up at WILG (and I was lucky I even had that...if the rooms had all been rented out as they usually were, I would have been in trouble).

First things first, I had to find a job, and probably not on that putrid island called Manhattan, which was big, but not nearly big enough, or far enough from college boyfriend. I changed tack and started applying in Boston, Cambridge, and the surrounding T-accessible areas. I found a living situation in a matter of weeks, but on top of all of all of this, I was trying to pick up and mend the pieces of my heart. I truly didn't know where to begin. Even when it all fell into place, I lived disjointedly, disconnected from all of the good fortune I had because of my wonderful friends - and my family. For months I lived this way.

Then I did something pretty stupid. I started dating a friend. He went to Harvard and he was my best friend's high school friend. I don't regret dating him, and part of me will always love him. As a friend. The feelings I have now are...well, they're a little sad, a little...something. But they're nowhere near as bad as the not knowing. The searching. The agony of waiting for him to come around or not come around.

For a brief, shining moment, I was truly happy. It was on my birthday, and a small buffer of time around then.

So, for those of you who don't know where this is headed, I was laid off yesterday. I have two weeks left of paid work, then I'm out. Unemploymentville, population: me.

Life has come full circle, and I'm where I never wanted to be again. Why couldn't the roulette wheel have stopped spinning on January 14th, instead?

I know that there's a bigger plan out there for me. I know I just need to have a little faith. I know this is just a rough patch (they're all just rough "patches"), and eventually soon, I will be past it. I know that these experiences enrich my life. It's just so difficult to see that when I'm standing in the thick of the shattered pieces of my broken dreams.

But for now, there's portfolio work, unemployment lines, and interviews galore (God-willing).

And maybe...there's a little bit of a glimmer of hope, too.


Emily said...

I like your year in review.

I think I'll do it too.

And, on a more personal note, even though last year seemed to have sucked big time, I think you're a better person because of it. I seriously think so.

You're stronger, tougher, and probably have a different view of the world.

Plus you have great friends, and that may not have been something you would have realized if it weren't for last year.

I <3 Briar :)

Skylar said...

Though I have only known you for a little while, Briar, and I know life has thrown you some curves, you seem to be one of the strongest people I know, and if anyone can turn this around and make this work, its you. Im sure with your intelligence, charm, and wit, you will find goodness in both the professional and personal world. Just know your friends are always there for you.

Matt said...

Well at least you get to be part of the Trio of Extravaganza

**see Skylar's blog if that doesn't make sense