Finally. Six Days Post-Op.

I (finally. FINALLY) had my jaw surgery last Tuesday. I am six days post-op, and I'm feeling much better now. I think I may even be able to stay awake all day, although I won't be running any marathons any time soon.

The constant grogginess and crankiness is something I'm looking forward to living without. I think that I have kept a very positive attitude about the surgery and the recovery so far, but I also know that I haven't been little miss sunshine over the past week, either. I decided to continue on the pain medication, even though I was told by the doctor that I didn't seem like the kind of person who would depend on it. I took his words entirely too far, and sort of stopped taking it when I got home from the hospital (they only kept me one night), relying on the Ibuprofen instead. You know, there's a reason that they prescribe the pain meds, and as someone who battled with a lot of inner conflicts to finally decide to take anti-depressants, you'd think I'd have finally learned that pain medication is no different than any other medication. Relying solely on the pills to keep me hazy and remove me from reality is not the same thing as using them to help make my recovery less stressful. It took me two days of incredible pain to figure that out.

My face is changing every day, now, and as the swelling goes down, I am starting to hope that everything falls into place without altering the way I look too drastically. I liked my face before the surgery, which was never considered cosmetic. My surgeon, however, is of the opinion that it will improve my profile and minimize the impact of my chin, a nice by-product of trying to stop the mind-numbing headaches and inability to eat chewy things. Thing is...I really liked my face before. Okay, so I wasn't in love with the chin, but I had never had to teach myself not to hate it, either. I just don't want to have to get used to any drastic changes. I guess I'll have a long time to wait and see, though, since the message board I've been using as support has indicated that my face will be changing for months, maybe a year. In the meantime, the thing that surprised me most as I was examining my face today was the bruising:

I guess now that the swelling has gone down a little bit, I'm more anxious than ever to get my "old face" back, which I just said will take a while. Then again, the bruising makes me all the more aware of the fact that...well, they took a saw to my skull...and moved a part of it forward. My face has suffered some serious trauma. And despite all of it, and whatever may happen in the future, I'm really really happy right now. I feel complete, like I just crossed a major finish line in my life. I may not have run any marathons, but I did cross off a BIG to do on my life list.

Next up, I can't wait to get these braces off, y'all.

*The funny thing about the bruises being a reminder of the enormity of what has happened to me in the last week is that they're the bruises that occurred from my wisdom tooth removal. Simple wisdom teeth bruises that 99.9% of the population understands because people go through it all the time. Not that my surgery was in any way special, out of the ordinary, or even particularly serious, but the thing I'm most concerned about is a side-effect of the most mundane and routine part of this jaw stuff.

[People] Watching History Repeat Itself

J and I saw a pretty bad couple-fight last night. After they both stormed off, I asked him why we always had to be the ones to witness these things. I'm sure it's because before the wonderful days of anti-depressants, we subjected plenty of other people to these sorts of scenes (just in case anyone is uncertain, I was always the one causing the scene. Yeah, I'm wondering why I felt the need to clarify, too).

We had just had a great dinner at Border Cafe, and were standing outside the Harvard T entrance. A couple walked by, and the guy was telling [presumably] his girlfriend that she "should take his credit card, and...

...I don't want your credit card! Besides, it's my credit card."
"Yes, but I'm the one who is paying them off, so..." (he keeps trying to give her the card.)
"You know what, you can take that card..." She grabbed the card and threw it at him as hard as she could, and then put a finger to his chest and drew her face up to his until they were touching noses, "...shove it. Up. Your ass."

She stomped into the T while he picked up his the credit card and walked in the opposite direction. I couldn't tell if he was angry, frustrated, sad...or probably a combination of all the emotions in the world, except maybe the happy ones.

This reminds me of the time...well...actually, I don't remember details. But just yesterday while I was walking to Border Cafe, I saw a bench in Cambridge Common, and I thought, "Hey, I remember having a really bad fight at that bench." Sigh. Memories.

Death Before Yielding

A very interesting article about the mentality of pedestrians in the Cambridge (&Somerville) area.

I found this buried in a comment section somewhere else, but I felt it was worth reposting here, both in light of yesterday and just because this is a subject of general interest.

Death Before YieldingRenewed efforts to ease the age-old blood feud among Boston’s drivers, cyclists, and pedestrians blow right past a key question: What if, deep down, we kind of enjoy the madness that transpires on our roads every day?

By Joe Keohane

I nearly killed a woman in Cambridge a few years back. I was driving at a reasonable speed through Harvard Square when she stepped off a curb and walked right into the street without looking. I hit the brakes, bringing the car to a hard stop about three feet from her. Since the woman wasn’t even in a crosswalk, I expected some acknowledgment of wrongdoing—a chagrined wave, a “my bad,” anything. Instead, I got a look that suggested I had just taken away her right to vote and buried a meat axe in her adopted greyhound. Clearly, I was the oppressor in this little tableau, and she, as the oppressed, was no longer obligated to follow the law.

The whole encounter was no doubt partly due to Cambridge’s being a monument to the ecstasy of fake victimhood, but it’s more complicated than that. This woman didn’t develop a habit of blindly forging into the middle of the street on her own. Something had to happen to make that behavior seem acceptable. My guess is that she, like many of us, had spent a lot of time marooned in a crosswalk with cars hurtling by on both sides, and at some point just said, “Ah, to hell with it. If you’re not going to recognize the crosswalk, neither am I.”

read the rest of the article here

Look Both Ways, Then Never Leave the House

Update: It looks like they've made the identity of the victim public. It's such a hard thing to have had to witness, even after the fact. It only serves to remind us of our own mortality.

Someone commented on one of the articles, saying she witnessed the accident - that Isaac walked right into the back wheels of the truck while he was trying to cross at the crosswalk, possibly listening to an ipod - assuming that he and the truck wouldn't occupy the same space at the same time. This is consistent with a lot of the speculation and, sadly, the evidence I (and many others) witnessed. I have been caught off guard before when the rear wheels of a truck clip the curb and I have to jump back to avoid being hit. I also am among good company here in Camberville when, even while being a vigilant pedestrian, I stand [just barely] in the street, impatiently waiting for any opportunity to walk (whether it's at a lighted crosswalk or at an unlit one). It is tremendously scary when things like this happen. They're accidents. Simple. But how many times have we been lucky not to be victims of those accidents ourselves?

My heart goes out to the family and friends.

If you live in the Boston area (or any other metropolitan area, I'd imagine), you've probably done your share of jaywalking. Whether or not you're always careful, you've probably had a few near run-ins with some vehicles, and hopefully, you've always been okay.

The corner of Russell and Highland has always been this intersection for me, where the buses come barreling around the corner at (what feels like) 55 mph, regardless of the status of the light. There is no sign that disallows right turns on red, but whenever I'm watching this intersection I'm lucky if I see cars even pause before speeding around the corner, where the crosswalk is inconveniently and unsafely located. I want to go up to cars that actually stop and look, so that I can give the driver a high five. And on the same token, I want to smack pedestrians that just walk into the street when the light is green.

On the corner of Mass Ave and River street the volume of pedestrian traffic mixed in with the morning rush has made for some harrowing moments for me, too. The potentially deadly mix of man and vehicle was halted this morning, though, after tragedy struck. A 28 year old Harvard student was in the crosswalk when a Shaw's delivery truck turned right onto Mass Ave, and hit him, dragging him 25 feet (right in front of the subway entrance). The driver says he didn't see the guy. At 6:45 in the morning, it's very likely that the pedestrian had the right of way, and the truck simply made a (perfectly legal) right turn on a green light (the green traffic light and the walk signal both happen at the same time, despite a high volume of right turns. Stupid much, Cambridge?). Many people are blaming the morning sun. Could either one of them have paid more attention to the situation? Probably, but I doubt that any of us think like that when we're just trying to get to work - walking the same route we walk every morning. You shouldn't have to fear for your life when you have a walk signal. The driver should have been more cautious - always.

If your commute takes you to the Central Square T stop, it's likely that you saw this accident, or the grisly aftermath in some form or another. Unfortunately, Monday is the only day that my commute takes me to Central Square. I stopped to look at what I thought would be an exploded manhole cover (frequently happens in the area, unfortunately), or, when I saw the semi-truck, someone crashed into a pole. I never dreamed that I would be staring at the remains of a fatal pedestrian accident, thinking about how terrifying it is to watch cars blaze through red lights, or pedestrians walk blithely into traffic.

My mom always used to say, regarding right-of-way, that it's better to be wrong than to be dead right. I do honestly think about this frequently while crossing, but how many times have I bolted across the street to beat a blinking orange hand, trusting the traffic lights to keep me safe? It's enough to make a person doubly cautious, and even that won't do it sometimes. There's no traffic light that's going to protect you from the laws of physics, or someone else's carelessness.

Unfortunately, the Harvard student didn't make it. If you're the praying type, you should keep his family in your prayers. If like me, you're not, then just keep them in your thoughts. And be careful out there. I imagine sometimes what I would do if J were ever hurt, and it knocks the wind right out of me. And that's just pretend.

(edited to add: I got into an interesting discussion on someone else's livejournal, and he pointed out that the truck was going at a low speed, and the pedestrian got caught under the back tires (true, I also noticed this when I saw the scene). He made note that this could have been any kind of accident where someone was or was not paying attention - someone wearing headphones, someone tripping, a truck clipping the curb...so I'm not trying to make the point that anyone is to *blame*, but a person can never be too careful!)

We Are Scientists - Brain Thrust Mastery

We Are Scientists have a new album being released in the UK (and most of Europe) on Monday. Lucky UK bastards.

The song After Hours is a sweet and catchy tune with the most adorable video. I sense a new addiction coming on:

These boys are the cutest indie rock band out there (Tokyo Police Club being the main competition for my heart, but I don't know...right now it's a toss up). Last time I saw them live, I swear the lead singer and I had a moment. Then again, it was probably the beer talking. Next time I'll just have to take off my shirt, rush the stage, and make sure.

If you're a little bit crazy like me, you can order it here. Or, you know...chance it and wait until it's available in the States.

Like Ninety Percent of All Indie Films

While Listening to an Elliott Smith cover of Cat Stevens' Trouble:

me: I am 100% sure that I have seen Thumbsucker. Did we try to watch it together? Because of the Elliott Smith music? And then we just couldn't do it? Or was I alone?

Laura: No, it was with me. As I recall, we both fell asleep.

me: That's right.

Laura: Within ten minutes.

me: It really wasn't very good.
....or it was too deep.

Laura: or it thought it was too deep.

Spreading Their Filthy Tolerance All Over the Place

I don't like spreading hatred all over the Internet, but I think it's important for people to see things like this because I trust you to make intelligent, informed decisions:



The best(worst) part is that since she has recieved flack for this she issued a response (that was absolutely not an apology):

“To put this simply, as a Christian I believe homosexuality is not moral. Obviously, you have the right as an American to choose that lifestyle, but I also have the right to express my views and my fellow Oklahomans have the right to debate these issues.

“In recent years homosexual activists have begun to aggressively promote their agenda through the political process, often providing substantial financing to candidates who agree with their views, including many running for state legislative races. National publications such as Time, The Atlantic and USA Today have noted that trend. That is their right, just as it is my right to voice opposition to their agenda, which I have been asked to do at several public forums in recent months. That’s what democracy is all about. It appears some homosexual activists believe only one group is allowed a voice in this debate. I disagree.

“A vigorous debate on an issue is not ‘hate speech’ – it’s free speech. I have made clear my opposition to the agenda of homosexual activists, but I have never endorsed or supported any hateful action targeting individuals on the other side of this debate and never will. The fact that many gay rights activists claim anyone opposing their agenda is engaging in ‘hate speech’ says more about them than me.

“Most Oklahomans are socially conservative and believe marriage is a sacred institution, the union of one man and one woman, and that the traditional family is worth protecting and preserving. When I campaigned for office, I promised my constituents to stand up for those values, and I do not apologize for keeping my word.”

What agenda, exactly, is that which the homosexual activists are aggressively promoting?

TOLERANCE?

Lord knows we wouldn't want any of that in Oklahoma.

A Shiny, Pretty, Quiet iMac

I never really did follow up with this saga about my computer and its impending molten death.

After he found the potential trojan (which ended up being nothing, really), J cleaned out the whole computer with some virus software and then compressed air, and we tried to start backing things up before the whole thing went up in flames. I felt like I was racing the clock.

The next day, after a third sudden shutdown during an episode of Aqua Teen Hunger Force, I had had enough. I was ready to throw the thing out the window. Instead, I sighed, and unplugged it. I flipped it over, and went at it with the air can again. This time, I noticed a little bit of hair in the fan, so I picked up a pair of tweezers. Instead of a little bit of hair, I ended up pulling out a dust ball the size of a small mouse. I don't even know how that much dust managed to get into my fan, but there it was.

My computer was instantly quiet. More efficient, perhaps, but more importantly - quiet. And no longer shutting down suddenly for no good reason.

Since this resolution, my computer has gotten progressively louder again, and is almost as loud as it was at the height of it's near-death. It seems the honeymoon period was over before we even got started. Stupid laptop.

So the long and short of this whole unfortunate business?

I'm getting an iMac.

All American Rejects - Dirty Little Secret

Sometimes I know what the lyric is, but it doesn't stop me from singing what I hear:

I'll keep you my dirty little secret
Don't tell anyone or you'll be
Just another egret.

There is an Artful Lack of Color in my Room. Because I am not allowed to paint my walls.

I bought a travel tripod today, because I wasn't sure if I would be able to take my gorillapod to San Francisco, since it was supposed to arrive on Friday but our UPS guy doesn't get it. Anyway, I tested it out in my room - it holds the camera up very well, is incredibly stable, and is very lightweight. For $20 (marked down from $60!), I can't complain. Still, I wish my gorillapod had arrived earlier - it might actually have a chance of fitting in the bag I'm taking with me to walk around the city, which is the only area where this tripod fails.

I am looking forward to a week long vacation with J - sightseeing, drinking wine in Napa, and visiting with friends (and their adorable bunnies) in Davis. It's been a while since I've taken an honest to goodness vacation. And with my fancy new camera and fancy new camera equipment, I'm more excited than ever.

P.S. - I know...it's kind of like an IKEA bomb exploded in my room.

Re-upholstry

I am absolutely dying to do this to my wing back chair.

And Singer? Singer just came out with a sewing machine that automatically threads the machine and the bobbin.

While I would love to splurge on a sewing machine right now...maybe this should be on my "Things to do before I turn 26" List.

Productive, even though it was my day off

Because last week was particularly long (I pulled an all nighter on Thursday, working a total of 28 hours - that would be minus three hour-long breaks for meals), I decided to take Thursday and Friday off this week. This means I have a five day weekend to play around with.

Yesterday was reasonably productive:

I lined my el-cheapo IKEA CD shelf with some bird paper I found at Paper Source that I thought was absolutely gorgeous. With birds! And even though I don't celebrate Valentine's Day, I couldn't resist making some pink heart shaped cookies. They were delicious, and so cute they triggered my barf reflex, which you might not think would be a good combination when cookies are involved, but it was. Don't worry. To counterbalance the heart shaped ickiness, I used the leftover dough to make a wang cookie (a dickerdoodle, if you're a PA reader).

24 Things To Do Before My 25th Birthday

Inspired by hula seventy, I have decided to make a list of things to do before I hit my quarter of a century mark.

1. Build my own website 
2. Take a photography class 
3. Build a piece of furniture 
4. Screen print my own t-shirts 
5. Make sure this list is a yearly thing
6. Put another stamp on my passport 
7. Learn how to sew
8. Host a board game night 
9. Try to be more rigorous about taking photos
10. See a play 
11. Go camping 
12. Go to a free film night in Davis Square 
13. Make my Christmas cards
14. Make my own stitch markers
15. Knit entrelac
16. Aim to ride my bike to work four times a week** 
17. Participate in another bike ride (for charity or otherwise)
18. Take a weekend trip to Maine 
19. Bike up the coast in Rhode Island 
20. Visit a winery in Napa Valley 
21. Switch to energy efficient bulbs 
22. Get a library card
23. Build a light box (for photographing yarn)
24. See snow on the beach 

**This year I aimed for three. I was not successful many weeks out of the riding season. I figure if I aim for four, I might succeed at three more often?

Firey Computer Death

My laptop may be on its last leg these days, and I am trying my hardest to transfer my 26GB of music onto my external hard drive before the whole thing explodes into pieces of angry, molten laptop. The problem lies within the fact that my computer likes to transfer about two gigs of music, then shut down in the middle of the transfer. Without warning or blue screen of death, there will just be sudden black nothingness. The best part is how it likes to transfer the folders randomly, instead of alphabetically, so I get to search for the remaining folders! Yay!

J thinks he may have found a trojan, and we found a mysterious file that I did not install. We're both crossing our fingers that it just snuck in with something else I did instal, and not that someone is remotely accessing my computer and gathering identity theft material.

While there are plenty of updates, I've spent most of my free time knitting instead of updating this blog. I started a knitting blog, just in case that's what you're interested in, and you probably won't be finding much of it here, anymore.

Wrapping up 2007

Wrapping up 2006

1. What did you do in 2007 that you'd never done before?
I rode my bike 50 miles for charity (I bought a bike), rented a zipcar, and asked for help. I bought a grown up bed, and a real Christmas tree.

2. Did you keep your new years' resolutions and will you make more for next year?
From last year:

This year, I want to work out more (HA), be a nicer person (at least outwardly), and definitely be more patient (both inside and out). And drink more water.

This year I just want to be happy. Happy and dehydrated.

3. Did anyone close to you give birth?
A co-worker and his wife had a baby. She is the cutest baby in the whole. world. THE WORLD.

4. Did anyone close to you die?
No

5. What countries did you visit?
Bermuda

6. What would you like to have in 2008 that you lacked in 2007?
A pair of sensible shoes

7. What date from 2007 will remain etched upon your memory and why?
July 17th. It was the first time J told me he loved me.
November 21st. When my surgeon's office called me and told me they wouldn't be able to perform the surgery on our scheduled date.

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?
Pulling myself up and out of a giant hole.

9. What was your biggest failure?
Not being close enough to people who care about me. Losing hope.

10. Did you suffer illness or injury?
I was diagnosed with disthymia (depression), and my jaw has gotten progressively worse.

11. What was the best thing you bought?
I bought J rims for his bike. Also, my bed and artwork to go above my bed.

12. Whose behavior merited celebration?
J has been completely amazing. He's a great guy, he works hard, and (YES, Justin) he has a cute butt.
Laura is also completely amazing. She bought a house this year, and she's one of the strongest, most amazing women that I am blessed to have in my life.

13. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed?
I'm pretty sure that I can't write that here because there are certain things one should avoid blogging about. But some of you know who I'm talking about.

14. Where did most of your money go?
Rent, shoes, and a new bed.

15. What did you get really, really, really excited about?
Tokyo Police club concerts, going to Coney Island with J, the new Harry Potter book and movie. Meeting J's family (wait, excited or nervous?)

16. What song will always remind you of 2007?
Your English is Good by Tokyo Police Club

17. Compared to this time last year, are you: happier or sadder?
Much, much happier. And more whole.

18. What do you wish you'd done more of?
I wish I had ridden my bike more.

19. What do you wish you'd done less of?
Less pity parties.

20. How will you be spending Christmas?
With my family.

21. How will you be spending New Years?
That is a good question. I know I have invited many people to do something with me and J, but it is yet to be determined.

22. Did you fall in love in 2007?
Yes.

23. How many one-night stands?
None worth mentioning.

24. What was your favorite TV program?
Battlestar Galactica, The Office, Futurama, Planet Earth, 24 (more for the social aspect than the show. I mean... No. I mean that), Meerkat Manor (The OC of Animal Planet).

25. Do you hate anyone now that you didn't hate this time last year?
Yes, see number 13, above.

26. What was the best book you read?
Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows, The Boleyn Inheritance

27. What was your greatest musical discovery?
Love is All. Even though I had some of their songs last year, I ended up getting the whole album recently, and I heart it.

28. What did you want that you also ended up getting?
A Canon EOS Digital Rebel XTi for Christmas/our one year anniversary. I honestly didn't deserve it. It's pretty much the most amazing thing I own.

29. What did you want that you did not end up getting?
My jaw surgery. I really really wanted my jaw surgery.
Also, I hoped against hope that J would be in town for our anniversary, and my birthday, but it didn't turn out that way. Actually, I just found out that he will be in town for my birthday. Yey!

30. What was your favorite film of this year?
I think it will be Lars and the Real Girl. If we ever get around to seeing it. But until then, King of Kong was pretty awesome.

31. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?
I turned 23, and we went to Border Cafe for some margaritas. Alisa also hosted a brunch for me.

32. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?
I honestly can't think of a single thing (ask me again when I'm feeling malcontent)

33. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2007?
Lots of converse, stiletto heels, indie t-shirts, and boots. Also, lots of dresses, many of them far too low cut.

34. What kept you sane?
Medication. And therapy.

35. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?
John Krasinski (and not because he looks even the slightest bit like J...)

36. What political issue stirred you the most?
Women's rights, gay marriage, religion in general, and abstinence education...it was a distressing year. I'm looking at you, Romney.

37. Who did you miss?
I missed J terribly when he went to Arizona a few weeks ago and I miss him terribly now. I missed my co-worker, Neil, a lot when he left. I miss Jordan and David, and even though I talk to her every day, I miss Laura. Well, damnit - I miss all of you - why don't we all live in the same state, anymore?!

38. Who was the best new person you met?
I suppose although I met Jordan, David, and Sarah last year, we didn't really get to know each other until this year. Also, a lot of the new interns at work are the awesome.

39. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2006.
"Love is an unreleased Pixies album in a world before file sharing"

Also, learning how to trust again can be a wonderful thing.

40. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year:
"No, this is how it works
You peer inside yourself
You take the things you like
And try to love the things you took
And then you take that love you made
And stick it into some
Someone else's heart
Pumping someone else's blood
And walking arm in arm
You hope it don't get harmed
But even if it does
You'll just do it all again"
-Regina Spektor, On the Radio

As a Corollary to Heather's Post

Just in case there was some interest in Heather's post that I linked to a few days back, her husband Jon responded with his perspective on what it's like to live with someone with chronic depression.

Since there are varying levels of depression I won't pretend I know what it's like to live with it all the time, but there's something to be said about partners and friends who are open and kind when you finally admit that you need help. There are wonderful people who have allowed me to begin to heal and learn how to manage this in a safe environment - who don't judge me and who make sure I know that they think that I am a wonderful person even when I refuse to believe it. I know it's hard to be on the other side of that - mostly I'd imagine that it's hard to know what to do.

I'm sure I'm being all kinds of melodramatic, here. But thanks, anyway.

A Better Life

I read dooce.com on a daily basis because Heather is an incredibly smart, insightful, witty and beautiful person - and frankly she is one of my heroes. She isn't scared to talk about subjects that many people avoid, and it is exactly this aspect of her blog that helped me figure some things out after facing being afraid to face a few very dark times in my life.

Because I couldn't say it on the phone

Christmas Tree!

Every year since I went away to college, I have decorated my own Christmas tree. Until last year, it has always been a three foot "Canadian Pine" that I found at Walgreens, with some ornaments that I have accumulated over the years.

This year, I was going to buy a real tree - and by that, I meant a six foot "Canadian Pine" from the hardware store. Something more realistic than my three foot table-top tree.

Well...I ended up going with something even more realistic, instead.



On Sunday, J and I went to Crane Neck Christmas Tree Farm with some friends and hauled a nice eight foot tree back with us.





Oh, and for the record, we were this tall in Christmas 2007:

Daft Punk Are Brilliant, I Love Daft Punk.

Daft Punk just released a new live album, Alive 2007, and I have streamed it a few times now. I am thoroughly addicted, and will be purchasing it today so that I can listen myself sick.

I know that Around The World is everyone's favorite song, so hey, how about an .mp3? Around The World/Harder Better Faster Stronger will be on constant repeat in my iTunes today - now doesn't it make you want to get up and dance?

Daft Punk's Myspace Page
Buy the album at Amazon
Download the album on iTunes

Speaking of Daft Punk, have any of you seen the Dom and Elijah Interview Easter Egg on Return of the King?



If you have (and if you haven't, feel free to watch. I'll wait), you'll realize why I had a conniption and couldn't stop laughing for about five minutes after I had this conversation:

me: okay, for real, do you like daft punk? (i just made myself laugh)
me: (i can't stop)
laura: daft punk are brilliant
me: *deep breaths*
me: so daft punk just released a new live album
me: it's the awesome
laura: oh. you really were for real.
laura: now I'm laughing even harder.

I really am for real. This album is the awesome.

The Jaw Surgery That Wasn't

I was supposed to be getting jaw surgery today. A LeFort I Osteotomy, which would correct my upper jaw, and (hopefully) relieve me of jaw pain that gets so bad sometimes that I'm afraid my head will just explode right then and there out of sheer agony. I am obviously not getting the surgery today due to a number of reasons that are entirely not my fault, but for reasons that I keep blaming on myself, anyway.

My insurance didn't come through, which isn't a huge surprise given that my surgeon's office sent the request in right before a holiday. We planned this surgical date on October 18th, though. After years of waiting for this, I scheduled this date in good faith that a month and a half would be enough time for them to secure the operating room, contact my insurance, jump through hoops the insurance would probably put us through, and then I thought we would finally get this DONE.

So, to be exact, I have been waiting for the go ahead to get this done for two years. I have been through no less than three insurance providers in the course of my waiting. Unfortunately, fate timed this date such that when it was scheduled I would be covered by an insurance company that is not local, and thus does not operate under Massachusetts code, and thus has been a huge pain in my ass - repeatedly and for every variety of medical care I've ever needed. In the meantime, my jaw pain has progressed, and sometimes I wake up and it's locked up so tightly that I have to use a heating pack on my face. So that I can eat. Or, you know, function.

I have been in braces for almost three years now. The braces haven't really been doing much; my teeth haven't moved in the last two years. The worst part about having braces as an adult is...well, having braces as an adult. I know I'm the only one who matters that even notices them as a negative thing. Both my boyfriend and my best friend have repeatedly told me that the braces aren't even a fraction of a thought on people's minds, but they are still all I can think about when I'm meeting someone for the first time, or smiling, or laughing. Or looking into a mirror.

I am fine, really. I was fine in Minnesota, when I didn't have to think about it, and I'm fine now, even though I am so ridiculously confused and sad and disoriented. I hate whoever it was, whatever collection of events it was, that caused me to have to take back all of the paperwork only to have to do it again sometime soon. Whatever caused me to have to cancel my mother's $800 flight and several hundred dollar rental car because I will need her here when I get my surgery and we can't just spend $1000 every time we get dicked around. I hate that I was forced to rent a zipcar for the purpose of rushing some dental molds to an office in another city, only to find out that it didn't matter, anymore - and then get an icing-on-the-cake parking ticket from the good old city of Somerville.

I am so bummed. And queasy, and tired. I don't know why I'm queasy, but I am. I have been since I found out that my surgery date was going to come and go, and I wasn't going to be able to do a thing about it. It's hard to take out anger on the source when there really isn't one.

I think it's about time to finally start throwing bricks at cars that don't stop at stop lights or yield to my bike when I have the right of way. I mean, the anger has to go somewhere. I can't just keep it inside!