Maybe not out of nowhere, since you were watching it at the time

It's always tough when you start a new relationship, and you're trying to figure out when and how to admit certain things about your past. Is that a first date confession? A post-third date confession? After-we've-slept-together? Does it require booze? Does he really need to know, ever?

And then, sometimes, without warning, while you're sitting in front of the TV, he'll just up and ask you out of nowhere:

"So, how many times have you seen Titanic?"

You pause, look at him, and wonder if it's too soon.

"You mean in theatres?" You ask, hesitantly.

"No, total," he says, still thinking it's an innocent question, not realizing...just what he's gotten himself into.

"uhm...(cough). Well, I saw it fourteen times in theatres. I don't know how many after that." His eyes widen.

But a few moments later, just like that, everything is fine again. He knows now, and you've both grown a little bit closer.

You're a closet Titanic junkie -- and he still likes you, anyway.

Monday Madness - Questions from "mom"

Do you make New Year's resolutions? If so, what is your most important one?

Sometimes I make New Year's resolutions, but I usually try to assess my life regularly to make sure that I'm doing anything I've resolved to do to be a better person. This year, I think my most important resolution is to try to let things go. I know I'll never be able to do that, but hopefully I can stop getting so stressed out about the things I am incapable of letting go.

Easter is coming. Many Christians give up something for Lent. Do you give something up for any reason (or season)? What is it this year?

I don't usually think about that until much closer to the Easter season. In my mind, it's not really "coming up" quite yet.

Do you watch the Super Bowl? If so, do you watch it with a group? If not, what do you do while the game is on? Anything special?

I have been watching the Super Bowl with friends since I went to college. If people hadn't invited me to various parties over the years, I would have done whatever I do on a regular Sunday. I honestly couldn't care less about sports unless I'm around people who do, and even then...

Would you miss Monday Madness if it stopped permanently?

I would, but I think I could live without it.

Name at least one theme for MM questions. Share at least one question for that theme.

Music? I'll come back to this in a bit.

I Think I've Seen High Fidelity One Too Many Times

I'm feeling better since my last post. I spent most of yesterday feeling...cloudy. I had taken some generic midol-esqe drugs, but for some reason, the drug only cures slightly more common symptoms like cramping. Why can't they help with the overwhelming bitchiness? The overpowering tiredness? The general dissatisfaction with people? I was told that it's because the bitchiness and malcontent, unlike the cramping, are not necessarily symptomatic of the time of the month, but might have a number of causes, not many of which are easily solved in pill form...

I suggested trivia, and even though I was in no mood to do anything but drink scotch and read J.D. Salinger in semi-darkness, I went to trivia. And the badness dissipated immediately. Immediately.

I keep writing lists. To do lists, lists of grad schools, music to buy, movies to watch, people to kill. They're all growing at an alarming rate, and I'm just itching to cross something off of one of them.

Here's hoping that tomorrow will be more productive.

It's like the flu, only more expensive

I had one of those wonderfully slow, dreamy weekends that make it difficult to pull myself out of bed and into the office on a [cold] Monday morning. A sleepy weekend with lots of excitement followed by lots of lounging. And dim sum.

If this blog were a TV show (one can only dream), I would have introduced a new character a month ago, but I haven't known how to go about doing this. Not without just abruptly talking about him with no introduction. And I haven't exactly asked him how he feels about being blogged about, either.

Among a few other things, there's the issue of a nickname. Harvard and Emmerson were easy (we're not particularly creative people sometimes). Other times the nicknames are clever and they just happen. Indie Adam Jones, T-baby, Poli Sci Guy...

So that's just one of the reasons I haven't brought it up. That, and I have better things to blog about than my love life (ha! I am a bad liar).

Also, I keep saying I'm not going to do this, but something tells me that tomorrow I might be stopping somewhere to pick up the Shins' new album. Because I have a sickness. A terrible, horrible sickness.

It's why my abs are so fab

Every time we pulled into a T station this morning, the announcer would come onto the intercom and say, "Harvard Square." I stopped at Harvard Square seven times this morning, laughing a little bit more each and every time.

Some days you just have the giggles, and there's not much you can do about it.

It's always on these days that one of your coworkers starts talking about a business plan that makes you think, fondly and for several reasons, of the Underpants Gnomes' business plan. And so you say it out loud, because that's what you do. And then one of your friends gets the giggles, too, and cannot stop laughing, and so you're not sure whether to feel badly because she can't breathe, or laugh even harder yourself.

I always opt to laugh harder.

[Currently Spinning: Bishop Allen - Calendar]

You mean you wanted a Real present???

Seventeen years ago today, my baby sister came into this world, and it really hasn't been the same since.

In her seventeen years, she has been an author (she penned many short stories ripe with teenage angst when she was in middle school, and she still writes a mean blog entry), an explorer (she got lost six blocks from our home once when she tried to run away. I hope the Army teaches her how to use a compass), a counselor (from the time she was a small child and would put her tiny little hands on your face and ask you to stop crying with her big brown eyes, to when she became older and "more worldly" and offered to bust some kneecaps when people hurt the ones she loved), and a teacher (my sister has so much spirit and fortitude, it's hard not to be inspired, much less completely in awe of her).

She wrestles, she's in charge of the entire city's JROTC program, and she knows how to shoot a gun. Even though fashion-wise I sometimes have to help her a little bit (like suggesting that perhaps she wax her eyebrows instead of shaving them), she's still the only person I'd ever want in my dressing room (sometimes holding my latte).

As she gets older, she's stopped being my pesky little sister, and has started being my ally and confidante. I can't believe that the tiny little thing with curls who used to crawl around with socks in her mouth has become the young woman I saw this past Christmas, with an acceptance letter to West Point (but she still can't drive...).

Even though she can't eat any cake today (she's cutting weight), I hope it's still a good birthday.

I ♥ you, Awbs! Even though I had to leave a birthday party the day you were brought home from the hospital! (Don't worry, I made you pay)

Seriously. Twenty Years.

meh

I was hoping someday you'd be on your way to better things

The other day, someone asked me if I believe that things happen for a reason. At the time my answer was, "Yes -- of course they do." At the time, it's what the person needed to hear, and I think that it was the right answer. Some things do happen for a reason. But then I started thinking about the whole big picture scheme of things. I don't think that there's a grand design for everyone. Or anyone, for that matter. This has nothing to do with faith or religion, and even though I think it ties back into that realm, that's not really what I'm talking about. It has nothing to do with tiny baby Jesus.

I really believe that we hold the keys to our own destinies. Sure, sometimes things happen in life that are completely beyond our control, but they aren't always bad things, and it's not about what happens to us, but how we handle it. Maybe you feel helpless sometimes. And maybe you are. Bad things can happen to good people for no reason, and you don't always have to learn a lesson from it. And sometimes you do need to learn from it. But other times you just need a little bit of faith that it's not always going to be this way.

[Currently Spinning: The Kooks - She Moves In Her Own Way]

You're the last best thing I got going

"I think I suffer from some mild depression," [Zach Braff] tells Parade magazine in an interview to be published on Sunday.

...In what was the most obvious statement ever made by a celebrity. I just thought we needed a big, resounding, collective, "DUH," from anyone who's seen Garden State, and that one episode of Scrubs that makes me want to slit my writsts. I mean, we ♥ you Zach. Only...we know you should be on the Prozac. We're just sayin'...

This week's free iTunes song is by the Cold War Kids, and it's good. You should go download it. But, if it were possible to hand out punches to the face on the Internet, I would punch the guy who was all, "I'm angry that this is the free song of the week because I totally already heard of this band before iTunes was giving out the handouts. Oh, and also, I'm a douchebag."

I shouldn't read things when I'm riled up. I'm all hopped up on the sugar today.

[Currently Spinning: The Mountain Goats - Dance Music]

I knew the meaning of it all

French Kicks – Knee High	just listened
Swan Lake – Are You Swimming In Her Pools?	9 minutes ago
Pete Yorn – The Man	13 minutes ago
Joseph Arthur – Automatic Situation	16 minutes ago
The Young Republic – Girl From The Northern States	19 minutes ago
Someone Still Loves You Boris Yeltsin – Yr Broom	22 minutes ago
The Strokes – You Only Live Once	24 minutes ago
The Thermals – Here's Your Future	27 minutes ago
Modest Mouse – Dashboard	30 minutes ago
The Mountain Goats – Two Headed Boy Pt. 1	34 minutes ago

My last ten tracks on last.fm -- just because I was talking about the indie music with Laura this morning, and even though I've been "good" lately, there is usually a track or two of "embarrassment" in between the indie songs; like Clay Aiken's Without You. I mean what? I don't own any Clay Aiken...That was a joke. Haha. Ha. But these are all good songs, and I recommend them all.

So, anyway, there's been a lot going on in my life, and I've been pretty good about updating the right people, so I haven't felt the need to post all about it here. Besides, since I revoked my parents' blog-reading privledges, it's been less about "this is what I did today" and "here's what's going on in my life in excruciating detail" all up in here, and more about the dirty jokes. Or at least maybe it should be.

Laura and I are going to write a "Posting Personals on Craigslist for Dummies" book. We discussed the plan yesterday, and I think we should set it into motion. So, it's been a while since I've browsed the CL Personals, but today I've been doing some research. My favorites so far have been

I'm unpretentious but willing to sell myself on "Craigslist". Conversations with witty segway's are awesome.

Because I think he put quotes around the wrong word, and also one of my life rules is "if you can't spell it, you're not allowed to use it." That's what the spell check and m-w.com are for. And this guy...

Top 30 reasons to date This man (Use to be 20) - 35

Reason 29 When you're wrong, I'll do the apologizing anyhow. (what?! Who wants this? I want to meet these girls and slap them. And shame on you for perpetuating this)
Reason 25 I'll always go with you when you have to go to the doctor. (No thank you. Unless you knocked me up, you don't need to be seeing any doctor with me. Are you aware of what happens at the doctor's office? I'm uncomfortable peeing in people's apartments if I think they can hear me. Why would I want you with me at the doctor's office?)
Reason 17 I do random acts of kindness. (You do, do you?)
Reason 15 I will be in your mind more than you are. (again. What? I can only hope you mean with some sort of futuristic probe. Because then it's at least kind of cool)
Reason 13 We will talk endlessly to each other on Cellphones to say how we miss each other. (Another one of those no thank you's. People who need to be attached to their phones when they don't see each other should have their heads examined. And I don't mean you, Emily. LDRs are different beasts. This dude wants a local girlfriend. He could probably also use a life. And also -- Cellphones? SPELL. CHECK.)
Reason 10 I won't try to get into your pants on the first date.(...)
Reason 9 I won't try to get into your pants on the second date.(...)
Reason 8 Aren't third dates great? (I guess this is better than a "six month" rule)
Reason 2 I'm a single, well grounded, good values. (What's "a good values"? And why are you one?)

And that's why Laura and I need to get on this book. Because like she said, "The path to hell is paved with good intentions -- and this guy is going to hell." (Then again, so are we).

[Currently Spinning: Smashing Pumpkins - Muzzle]

Birthday Peekshurss!

Rachel was all kinds of awesome and took pictures on my birthday (sadly, she, Karrissa, and Barrett were on her side of the table, so they're not there, but you'll get the gist).

They can be found Here, at my flickr site, in case you don't obsessively check my sidebar :)

RIGHT?!

There is a pecha kucha happy hour at work today. We had the first one in December, but fortunately my name was not drawn for the first round of people (I had a HugeAss^TM deadline, and would surely have dropped dead of exhaustion and obligation).

However, I am one of the lucky people who gets to present today. 20 slides. 20 seconds per slide. I'm about THISCLOSE to throwing up in the bathroom right now. I despise public speaking -- and yes, my coworkers count as "public." Even though half of them were at the infamous office party, and so we're way beyond the point of my embarrassing myself -- I still don't want to do this. Did I mention that I loathe public speaking? Almost as much as, nay, more than people who don't use the GD Spellcheck.

You know, last night I was actually so nervous that I was physically shaking. Physically...shaking. Uncontrollably. And leaving people (namely Laura) voicemails about my underwear. And all I could think was, "how can my heart be beating so fast and me, still be standing here. Alive?"

I know you can't die of embarrassment. Or panic. And this is no reason to be embarrassed. Or panicked.

Wait. You CAN'T die from embarrassment. RIGHT???

I don't know what you're talking about

I was thinking on the T this morning. Serious thoughts. So serious I could barely focus on the crossword puzzle.

I'm happy right now. I would even go so far as to say that I'm secure in myself, and that I've become happy with the person I've grown to be. I found principles and I'm sticking to them. I don't lie about who I am, and it's a personal relief to know that all the stuff I've said wasn't just lip service, but me speaking truthfully from my heart.

But everything I do these days is clouded by this hesitation that I have. And even though I'm still doing things the same old Briar way, I'm doing them with a new twist. With a newfound caution that was never there before. It almost feels like I keep thinking, "One misstep and everything that I've so carefully built for myself -- my entire fragile world -- could come crashing down again." And you know, I know that it wouldn't be that bad right now; it wouldn't be the end of the world. Caution isn't so bad. Sometimes it's what keeps you from being hurt; but sometimes it's what keeps you from experiencing life. And lately, separating the fear from the caution is difficult.

It's kind of like knitting, and right now it's like I've cast on and knit a few rows. So what if I've done it wrong? It's just a few rows. I can just rip it back and start over. With new yarn, because sometimes that's what you do when you're knitting, and the yarn is all wrong for you. Or worse, when you're all wrong for the yarn.

But this time it's different. This time it feels like I'm using a really facny cashmere/silk blend, so beautiful and delicate that I wouldn't mind just laying in it all the time. Something so soft it makes my heart skip a beat. Something priceless and handspun and really hard to find. And that scares me.

I mean...what? That wasn't a metaphor. Seriously.

More Than A Feeling

Sometimes moments pass so quickly, your liable to just forget they happened. For me, these tend to be the moments that might make my day a better one, whereas I'm likely to let the bad moments sear themselves into my brain until my whole day is tainted with the ugliness. I forget that only I am in control of my emotions, and that only I can make myself sad or happy or angry.

Yesterday, I dropped my shoe in the subway. A kind man picked it up and handed it to me, and I felt like a modern day Cinderella for a second. Any other day, any other guy, and I might have been left to fend for myself. Instead, a kind stranger made a kind gesture, which is rare in Boston.

I walk around with my eyes to the ground most days. I can't just tell myself, "That stops today," but I'm going to make an effort not to let Boston affect me like that anymore. There's no reason not to be the kind stranger that might brighten someone else's otherwise normal day.

After all, I'm going to be here for a while. It's time to start making a difference.

So everybody put your best suit or dress on

So, it's a new year again. New years, new beginnings, fresh starts...it's so arbitrary the way people think their lives are going to change when a new year comes.

Do you get that fresh feeling (musical pun intended -- and enjoyed) at the beginning of a new year? I know I do, but I think I am on "new start" hyperdrive since my birthday is just about a week after the new year. It hardly takes two weeks before I've fallen back into my old routines and bad habits, before the year reaches its expiration date and becomes stale.

However, I'm jazzed for 2007. I am SOOOO over 2006, y'all. If December hadn't snuck up on me the way it did, I would even go so far as to say that 2006 did nothing for me, and that I'm glad to be done with it.

But 2006 brought me so many things. I started to become comfortable in my own skin. I found new confidence, new music, new clothes, and a "new" personality to go with said confidence (the "new" personality really being my very same "old" personality before I allowed my life to be consumed and defined by my relationship).

I'm ready to grab 2007 by the horns, and make things happen. And I have a really good feeling about 2007.

How about you?

[Currently Spinning: Death Cab For Cutie - The New Year]