I'll Sit and Wonder of Every Love That Could Have Been

I did NOT finish the knitting olympics challenge on time. I'm way behind. Nowhere close to done. My personal life got in the way of knitting, as per usual...so...man, I suck so hard. Congrats to everyone who did finish. Y'all rock my face off! I will post pics of the shawl when it is finished.

Now Listening: Death Cab For Cutie - The Sound of Settling

Match Point

I saw Match Point tonight. The more distance I get from it, the more I liked it.

There was one scene where the innate Woody Allenness was incredibly apparent, and then it just became very Woody Allen for the rest of the film. All the way down to the fact that the whole last 20 minutes it was like, "OK, you're going to listen to Opera now!" Although I can only recall ever having seen one Woody Allen movie (Everyone Says I Love You - again something I mentioned during the Friday night debacle - evidently all topics have now been covered), it did strike me as very Woody Allen in the end. [It was the scene before he enters the apartment building, with his tennis gear slung over his shoulder that convinced me of this.]

Anyway, it was fun, but the people in front of us kept whispering loudly to each other, playing telephone. There were about six of them, so one on the end would say something, then the second person would laugh, the third person would ask what was said, and it went down the line like that incessantly after a certain point in the movie. And they had behaved so well for over an hour at this point...I don't know. Some people are just jerks.

Also, I got an IM from a lost friend who I have been wanting to talk to so badly for so long now...I truly missed her, and now...I think every thing is ok.

I'm very happy about that.

Capote

I went to see Capote with Ben, Jess, Emily, and Matt at the Somerville theatre. Afterwards, I commented on how it was recommended that I read In Cold Blood (and To Kill A Mockingbird, but I had read that) before watching the movie, but if I held fast to the read the book first rule, I would never see any movies!

Irish Car Bombs & Loaded Questions

Last night, Jessica, Ben, Emily and Matt came over. We were going to play Balderdash, but ended up deciding we had enough people for loaded questions, instead. Before the games began, we did the Irish Car Bombs...

["Oh my, this is disgusting"]

["The dixie cups do float! Oh no, my shot is just floating on top of the Guiness! I'm going to pour it out"]


As you can see from the progression of the pictures, the car bombs were not successful.

During Loaded Questions, one of the questions was "What is your favorite word for the male anatomy?" Ben had the pleasure of reading off the answers for that one:



And Emily demonstrated knitting: movie style. You know how when they knit in the movies or on TV, sometimes they do it upside down? Yeah...:

The highlight of my evening, however, was when Matt showed up with a card for me. It was a sympathy card, but he relpaced some of the words: "Such a sweet little soul job could never be forgotten. With sympathy on the loss of your pet job." Seriously the funniest card ever.

Infinite Fun!

So, Dear Public, I'm Here to Confess That I'm The One Who Freed Us From This Mess

I want to give a big thank you and hugs to anyone whose been supportive in the past few days. Emily, Skylar, and Matt, Harvard, Alisa, Jessica, Sara, Peter, my parents. And anyone else I might have overlooked.

I know I am strong and will get through this. In fact, Ben kind of hit the nail on the head when he said there was a slight twinge of relief in my voice, because I certainly didn't want to be stuck here forever (i.e. until grad school). To be completely honest, I'd been flirting with the idea of looking for another job anyway, and was probably about a month away from actually doing it, and really, what's a month? I'll tell you what a month is. It's the difference between me being non-committal, and me being a victim of circumstance, and you know what? I'll take it.

I am a little excited, to tell the truth. A lot scared, but a little excited about the possibilities.

I also think I've made some headway on the grad school decision. Houston isn't lookin' so bad anymore...And maybe St. Louis wouldn't be so scary this time around. You know? It's nice to have options sometimes.

Now Listening: XTC - I'm The Man Who Murdered Love

Some of God's Greatest Gifts...And All That

So, I don't want this to be the little corner of the Internets where I whine and drone on and on about my sad little life. Everything that has happened to me has happened for a reason, and I can cope with that. This is not wah-fest '06 or anything.

Having prefaced with that...

2005 was a rough year for me. In January, my grandmother passed away. My grandmother who happened to help raise me - who I was terribly close to, and the guilt I felt about being in New York when she passed on (as though I was supposed to have been able to change the fact that I was going to college 2000 miles away because she passed on unexpectedly). I missed her, and it broke my heart, but it also broke my spirit. I didn't know who I was, or where I was headed, and so I clung to the one thing I knew, which was me and college boyfriend, even though I had been questioning the relationship for a long time. I had to find a job after college, but none of that mattered, because I had a guy, even if I didn't have my lovely grandmother anymore. The job would come.

But the job didn't come. Resume after resume went out, and the companies I did hear from weren't interested in someone without a B.Arch, or paying living wage, which would have been a bigger deal in Manhattan than, say, Texas.

Then, in June, my whole world came crashing down. Three days before I was going to move everything I owned into a two-bedroom apartment on the Upper East Side, I was dumped. I was dumped in the middle of my graduation week, which didn't stop him from coming to the graduation even though I had to pay $150 for his extra ticket. I guess he thought he was doing the right thing, even though he showed no respect to my parents the whole time and let me endure it all with red rimmed eyes while I was shaking hands with the president of MIT, while I was taking pictures in my cap and gown, while I was trying to be happy that such a happy day had finally come, even though I was torn apart inside that my grandmother couldn't be there.

So armed with my degree, but with no place to go, no job, no apartment after my summer was up at WILG (and I was lucky I even had that...if the rooms had all been rented out as they usually were, I would have been in trouble).

First things first, I had to find a job, and probably not on that putrid island called Manhattan, which was big, but not nearly big enough, or far enough from college boyfriend. I changed tack and started applying in Boston, Cambridge, and the surrounding T-accessible areas. I found a living situation in a matter of weeks, but on top of all of all of this, I was trying to pick up and mend the pieces of my heart. I truly didn't know where to begin. Even when it all fell into place, I lived disjointedly, disconnected from all of the good fortune I had because of my wonderful friends - and my family. For months I lived this way.

Then I did something pretty stupid. I started dating a friend. He went to Harvard and he was my best friend's high school friend. I don't regret dating him, and part of me will always love him. As a friend. The feelings I have now are...well, they're a little sad, a little...something. But they're nowhere near as bad as the not knowing. The searching. The agony of waiting for him to come around or not come around.

For a brief, shining moment, I was truly happy. It was on my birthday, and a small buffer of time around then.

So, for those of you who don't know where this is headed, I was laid off yesterday. I have two weeks left of paid work, then I'm out. Unemploymentville, population: me.

Life has come full circle, and I'm where I never wanted to be again. Why couldn't the roulette wheel have stopped spinning on January 14th, instead?

I know that there's a bigger plan out there for me. I know I just need to have a little faith. I know this is just a rough patch (they're all just rough "patches"), and eventually soon, I will be past it. I know that these experiences enrich my life. It's just so difficult to see that when I'm standing in the thick of the shattered pieces of my broken dreams.

But for now, there's portfolio work, unemployment lines, and interviews galore (God-willing).

And maybe...there's a little bit of a glimmer of hope, too.

My Johari Window

My Johari Window

Click there and go help me fill out my Johari Window! This is a big trend in the blogosphere, and I think it's an interesting social experiment...So I jumped right on this bandwagon.

And you should too!

I had some time to walk around before my orthodontist appointment yesterday (why is it that when you are in a rush, the trains take forever, but when you leave when you're supposed to, you catch one train right after the other and end up being 20 minutes early? Oh, Murphy), so I took some photos around the Longwood area. I wanted some pictures of the pretentious marble Harvard seals in the courtyard of the Harvard Medical School building, but by the time I ambled over there, my hands were too cold to get a shot. I was not dressed weather appropriately because I didn't have a chance to go home from work.

Anyway, this shot was the only one I was happy with, but it was fun walking around, despite the cold.

Then, my orthodontist made me wait 30 minutes. Such service!

At least I had a book. Last time, I forgot book, knitting, etc. and ended up stealing a copy of Spin from the office. There was one New Yorker and the Boston Herald in the office this time, so I'm glad I went prepared.

MC on the Red Line last night: Me with a box of girl scout cookies, you with skis and beautiful blue eyes

Yesterday on the T, I saw this ridiculously gorgeous guy. He had skis and was reading some sort of graphic novel, standing by the door. I glanced at him, but then he saw me looking so I quickly looked at the subway map above the door, squinting so he'd be sure that I was not staring at him. When I let my eyes pass over him again when I was done "looking at the map," he laughed at me! So, I just stuck my nose back in Bless Me Ultima, which was the train book of the day, and proceeded to become absorbed.

At Harvard, the woman sitting next to me got off the T, and he came and sat next to me. I took out one earbud just in case, but he just read his graphic novel after making eye contact right before he sat.

When I got off the train, I had to jump over his skis, and he looked at me once more and smiled.

I should have slipped him my number. Seriously. What did I have to lose?

Wrapping Up 2005

Wrapping Up 2004
1. What did you do in 2005 that you'd never done before? Saw Niagara Falls, graduated from college, got my first 9-5 salary based job, and rented my first apartment.
2. Did you keep your new years' resolutions and will you make more for next year? I didn’t make any this year. I wrote about it then. I can’t remember why I didn’t make any resolutions, but my grandma had been sick, I was kind of sick and tired of school, and I couldn’t think of any resolutions. This year I have a few. I want to work out more, eat better, drink more water, and improve my posture. I want to take more pictures and stay more focused at work. Yeah – loads of resolutions.
3. Did anyone close to you give birth? No one close enough that I’ve seen any babies. I recently started reading blogs of two women who gave birth this year, my cousin had a baby boy and a girl who was a wilg pledge also had a baby this year, but I’m not really that close to any of these women.
4. Did anyone close to you die? My grandmother
5. What countries did you visit? Canada
6. What would you like to have in 2006 that you lacked in 2005? A healthy relationship with myself
7. What date from 2005 will remain etched upon your memory and why? January 27th, because that’s the day my grandma passed away. On a happier note, December 10th will also be up there because that was the night of our Christmakwanzakkah party, and things. happened.
8. What was your biggest achievement of the year? Finding a job, finding an apartment, and realizing that even though I needed my parents' help, for the most part I can stand on my own two feet.
9. What was your biggest failure? Conforming to someone else’s belief of what I “should” be and also not punching college boyfriend’s mom in the face. Not being able to be happy when I graduated, because I let someone else’s actions control my emotions.
10. Did you suffer illness or injury? I had a broken heart, twice, and I was mildly depressed for a while, both after my grandma passed away and after I was broken up with. Other than that and the occasional cold/bird flu, I was fine.
11. What was the best thing you bought? Besides the noro cash iroha? Probably my Diesel jeans. I mean, I can’t think of any one thing that I bought that was awesome. Oh. The TV. The TV is god.
12. Whose behavior merited celebration? Jessica’s. She didn’t punch me in the face at the Christmakwanzaakkah party – and I deserved it. But what’s more – she talked to me after that and made things ok. She also may agree with everyone else on the subject we were discussing, but she’s still on my side, anyway. She's also always there for me, and displayed that over and over and over again this year. And that, my friends, is a real friend.
13. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed? Certain members of my family annoyed me at my grandmother’s funeral and in the days preceding the funeral. Come to think of it, some people are lucky they weren’t punched in the face..
14. Where did most of your money go? Most of my money was spent on movies, eating out, trips to New York and yarn. (haha - if you discount rent and the cable bill)
15. What did you get really, really, really excited about? Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire, and Cowboy Mouth (I never made it to that concert,– but I’m superfuckingexcited about seeing them in March).
16. What song will always remind you of 2005? I can’t think of one because this year there was too much music – too many songs, and none that I related to a particular moment in time during 2005.
17. Compared to this time last year, are you: happier or sadder? It’s complicated. I am acutely miserable sometimes when I realize certain things about going “home,” and when I miss my grandma, or when I realize how much things have changed. However, right now, I’m starting a new relationship with someone I’m crazy about, and I’m excited about my new post-college life. So am I happier than I was at this exact time last year? Definitely. But do I miss my grandmother? Yes. A million times yes.
I’m in a more honest place, at any rate.
18. What do you wish you'd done more of? I wish I’d taken more pictures, spent more time knitting, and made more of an effort to exercise. I wish that I had relished in my happy moments longer.
19. What do you wish you'd done less of? I wish that I had done less pining, and less stupid things that I can “blame” on drinking. I wish I’d spent less time dwelling on those things, too.
20. How will you be spending Christmas? With my family, maybe around the tree, opening presents. Maybe we’ll go see a movie – I know we wanted to make that a tradition. At any rate, I can’t wait to see my cousins.
21. How will you be spending New Years? With Alisa. We have no concrete plans yet – I don’t know if they will involve being gussied up or if they will be plans that are more like…sweat pants and all the beer we still have left in the fridge – woohoo! Either way, it will be my roomie and me.
22. Did you fall in love in 2005? I don’t know if I fell in love. I fell out of love, and I care an unbelievable lot about a new someone, but to admit that it might be love? I’m not ready for that yet. Ask me in ’06.
23. How many one-night stands? Just the one.
24. What was your favorite TV program? Scrubs, Desperate Housewives, Gilmore Girls, Joan of Arcadia, Law and Order: SVU
25. Do you hate anyone now that you didn't hate this time last year? I don’t hate anyone, no. I’m not very happy with someone right now. And the feeling is evidently more than mutual. Other than that, my shit list hasn’t really grown (nor has it gotten any smaller, let me tell you…).
26. What was the best book you read? Middlesex was pretty good. I stand by the old classics, though – like JD Salinger’s Nine Stories, and The Little Prince. Those are always good reads.
27. What was your greatest musical discovery? Radiohead? Franz Ferdinand? Probably a combination of the two, only Radiohead happened years ago. It was more of a re-discovery. A Christopher Columbus sort of thing, if you will. Both bands were bands that I “knew,” but I added them to my CD collection this year.
28. What did you want that you also ended up getting? Haha. [See December 10th reference above. Also, see job, apartment]
29. What did you want that you did not end up getting? I wanted to move in with college boyfriend, and I wanted to work things out with him. [You know what they say about unanswered prayers? Yeah…]
30. What was your favorite film of this year? Pride and Prejudice or Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire. Rent. Syriana. I don’t know! Don’t make me choose!
31. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you? I turned 21 this year and finally stopped holding up the party train! My friends took me to MoS at midnight between January 7th and 8th, and then the next night we went to dinner at the Cactus Club and to a few bars in the area. Then, I made them watch the Easter Egg on the Third Lord of the Rings DVD. Twice.
32. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying? Less anxious squirming while waiting for certain decisions to be made. Or more support and less criticism from my mother.
33. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2005? Well, there were more sweatpants and pajama pants/tank top combinations in 2005 than in 2004. I blame many things for that. I still think I have a fairly sophisticated way of dressing, but I’m now more in love with knit clothing and the tight t-shirt/jean combo than ever (mostly bought knits – I mean all bought knits, since I have only made accessories thus far). There have also been far more jeans this year than last; more girl next door…less New York/LA.
34. What kept you sane? Well, not much to tell you the truth. Being with friends helped bring me down to earth, but things were pretty tense this year. Knitting helped, too.
35. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most? Mark from Rent
36. What political issue stirred you the most? None. I had too many personal issues on my mind. I mean, the war, sure – but honestly…I don’t really care. It angers me, but…I just can’t muster enough anger.
37. Who did you miss? Besides my grandma? I missed Aurora and Sara more than ever for some reason. And I miss Peter. He should move out here. I missed all of my friends when they started moving away and Alisa and I were left with Jessica and Emily and Kristina...ugh (just kidding! Except about the part about missing Teresa and Lisa and Laura and Lindy)
38. Who was the best new person you met? I like Matt. Also, I like Jen from work.
39. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2005. I don’t know if I learned a valuable “life” lesson. I learned not to be so careless with my heart or careless with my friends’ hearts (but did I really learn that? In this particular case, I would probably do it all over again – if I were being honest with myself. And really…shut up anyone who thinks I didn’t learn the first part. I’m not careless; I’m just not so easily scared away by matters of the heart). I learned that you can’t rely on other people to be there for you – you can only rely on yourself, but I also learned that it’s okay to lean on friends for support – because if they’re real friends, they’ll lean back.
40. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year: Convince yourself that everything is alright 'cos it already is
or
I swapped my innocence for pride Crushed the end within my stride Said 'I'm strong now I know that I'm a leaver" I love the sound of you walking away Mascara bleeds a blackened tear And I am cold Yes I'm cold But not as cold as you are I love the sound of you walking away

2005 Finished Objects

Wrapping up 2004

What did you do in 2004 that you'd never done before?
Had a real 9-5 job at an Architecture firm.
Did you keep your new years' resolutions, and will you make more for next year?
I don't generally make new years' resolutions that I don't make several times over during the year. So, first, I didn't keep them, and then, they were resolutions that weren't necissarily made over the new year.
Did anyone close to you give birth?
No one close to me, but someone close to CB did.
Did anyone close to you die?
Not this year.
What countries did you visit?
None.
What would you like to have in 2005 that you lacked in 2004?
A college degree
What date from 2004 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?
I went into work one day in January when even people who were paid didn't go in, because the wind chill was somewhere around -10°
What was your biggest achievement of the year?
Getting the externship at SOM, to work on the new Freedom Tower in January.
What was your biggest failure?
My grades and my weight.
Did you suffer illness or injury?
No, just got caught in a fight with the business end of a hot glue gun.
What was the best thing you bought?
Hmmm....my pink coat and my iPod mini top the list.
Whose behavior merited celebration?
Team Awesome's behavior.
Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed?
Every single member of my college boyfriend's family.
Where did most of your money go?
Shoes, shopping, and bus tickets to and from New York.
What did you get really, really, really excited about?
My externship and my upcoming birthday.
What song will always remind you of 2004?
Superman by Lazlo Blane
Compared to this time last year, are you: happier or sadder?
I'm happier, but I'm usually happy around Christmas. But generally, I think I was happier this year.
What do you wish you'd done more of?
Exercising, knitting, reading...schoolwork.
What do you wish you'd done less of?
Wasting time.
How will you be spending Christmas?
I'll be at my house opening presents from my family, and we will probably visit some relatives. Actually, I'm not entirely sure. Hopefully, we'll see a movie :)
How will you be spending New Years?
I have no idea.
Did you fall in love in 2004?
I thought I was in love, but it was with a jerk who wasn't worth my time. I should have broken up with him when he started crying because I was going home for the summer freshman year.
How many one-night stands?
None.
What was your favorite TV program?
Scrubs, Gilmore Girls, Joan of Arcadia, Desperate Housewives, and 24.
Do you hate anyone now that you didn't hate this time last year?
Loads of people, but I suspect it started manifesting itself last year in most cases. There is this one girl at WILG, though...Gah. I can't stand her anymore. Make that two - but the second one, I didn't particularly like last year, either.
What was the best book you read?
I'm in the middle of Mansfield Park by Jane Austen. Prior to that I think I had finished The Fountainhead, but that was a while ago. Both are great reads.
What was your greatest musical discovery?
I re-discovered Nirvana, which is something I'm kind of happy about.
What did you want and got?
I'd been obsessing about my iPod for months before I bought it, and I also really wanted this one pair of shoes for months and I found them on sale at the last minute. That was awesome.
What was your favorite film of this year?
It's a tie between Dodgeball and I Heart Huckabees.
What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?
I was 20, and I think I went out to dinner with CB, then he took me to see Rent. It was a long time ago...back at the beginning of January.
What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?
Less CB family interaction and more Lowe family interaction.
How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2004?
Sophisticated/chic.
What kept you sane?
Drugs and alcohol. Just kidding. Knitting kept me sane.
Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?
Jude Law
What political issue stirred you the most?
Abortion/Stem Cell Research
Who did you miss?
Lots of people, but my aim is improving.
Who was the best new person you met?
Kate!
Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2004.
I couldn't sum it up in words, and I might not have "learned" it anyway.
Quote a song lyric that sums up your year.
"And you say, Be still, my love
Open up your heart
Let the light shine in
Don't you understand?
I already have a plan
I'm waiting for my real life to begin."