Pink magnolia in winter, she doesn’t careif you don’t show up to have another cup

So, why I haven't been updating this thing:

I'm going through a lot, lately. I realized that this blog was a special kind of post-breakup therapy, and in that sense, it worked. It made me feel better to get stuff out there, to feel like I was reaching out to the Internet. At some point, the problems became too big, though. And the blogging stopped working.

I'm trying to fix my life right now, and while I wish I could go into more detail, I don't know exactly what that means.

I know that no one is happy all the time. But sometimes I try to feel happy about things, and instead all I come up with is tired.

I know how some people feel about some of the methods of "feeling better" like cognitive therapy or even drugs. My parents have expressed some pretty strong opinions about both of them, even going so far as to suggest that the "idea" that I "might be depressed" came from J, and that it's ludicrous.

Well, I just went on a five day vacation to Bermuda, and I was completely unable to experience it in the best way possible. I'm not saying that it wasn't fun, or that it wasn't the beautiful first vacation with my boyfriend that everyone hopes for...but there were clouds all over everything, and I don't mean the rain clouds over the island while we were there.

I recently started going to therapy, and so I get a lot out in those sessions. I haven't been knitting as much. I read books, and watch TV, but I don't analyze like I used to -- it's mostly a way to turn my brain off. So I've had a hard time writing.

And that's why. That's why I've gone from 20something hits a day to about...zero hits a day.

I can't promise I'll restore this thing to it's former glory, but I thought I owed it to some people to explain. I'm still reading your blogs, I'm just not doing a very good job of keeping up my end these days.

[Spinning: The Weepies - Take it From Me]

Monday Madness - Computers

Which web browser do you prefer?

Firefox.

Are you a PC user or MAC user?

I'm a PC user, but if I could, I would switch over to MAC in a heartbeat.

Will your next computer purchase happen within the next year (do you think)?

It's possible, but not probable.

Will you purchase your next computer at a local store or via the internet?

It depends on whether it's a PC or a MAC. If I go Apple, I'd visit the store.

Have you had any experience with Windows Vista?

Just the really annoying commercials during Demetri Martin: Person

What are your feelings about this new operating system (if any)?

N/A

Validation

Me: I made ceiling soffits!
I'm so proud of them
well...I'm kind of proud of them
you know how your third grader will bring home the ugliest piece of crap covered in glitter and glue and god knows what?
that's how I'm proud of them.
Co-worker: awww, let me put the soffit on the fridge.

My Personal DNA

(Found via Ashley's blog)

Soko - Take My Heart

You can take my heart for a walk on the beach
You can take my heart for a little trip
You can take my heart very close to your heart
You can take my heart forever if you like

But not every heart belongs to any other
You and I
You and I are meant to be
I'm the one for you, You're the one for me
You love me as much as I do
When you look at me and we're skin to skin
I want you so
Please come in
And you love me more and more
And my love grows up with you
And you kiss me more and more
And I kiss you, too
And I kiss you, too

If I take your heart, I will cherish it every day
If I take your heart, I will heal these old wounds
If I take your heart, it's to make it happy
If I take your heart, it's forever close to mine

But not every heart belongs to any other
You and I
You and I are meant to be
I'm the one for you, You're the one for me
You love me as much as I do
When you look at me and we're skin to skin
I want you so
Please come in
And you love me more and more
And my love grows up with you
And you kiss me more and more
And I kiss you, too
And I kiss you, too

(violin solo!)

I don't care, I don't care
If I'm again carried away
If you swear, if you swear
To give me your heart in return
To give me your heart in return

I don't care, I don't care
If I'm again carried away
If you swear, if you swear
To give me your heart in return
To give me your heart in return

Monday Madness - TV

Currently, what television commercial is your least favorite?

I don't like a lot of commercials, actually...but I can't think of one that I actively dislike right now.

And which commercial is your most favorite?

The skittles one with the singing rabbit. It cracks me up EVERY. TIME.

Of the sitcoms that are on during "prime time" how many do you watch on a regular basis? Please share.

How I met your Mother, 24, the Office, The Sopranos and Entourage.

Is there a television series that you enjoy watching that is ending this season?

I just got into the Sopranos, so it sucks that it's ending...I'm not even all caught up yet!

Is there any type of program you'd like to see more of on television?

No, I'm pretty happy with the current lineup. Maybe more Gilmore Girls, but shows like that have a tendency to flop. GG is really hard to recreate, I guess.

Is there any type of program you'd like to see less of on television?

Reality TV and bad game shows.

Is there a series that is no longer aired that you wish would come back?

Joan of Arcadia.

Do you watch re-runs of anything on television?

Judging Amy. ANTM....loads of others.

Don't you know it's hard, quite, in the time of confusion?

I'm feeling a little off today and I don't know why.

Have you had a chance to check out the Spiderman 3 soundtrack yet (PS - It's Indie-tastic)? If not, you should head on over to this MySpace page and have a listen. My current favorite is "Sealings" by YYY. If my heart could sing, it would sound like Karen O.

Speaking of the heart...Aside from listening to the Spiderman samplings today, I've been listening to a pretty consistent soundtrack of one song: Big Chair by Travis.

Now you know that I heart everything about you
And that's why it's quite hard to get through this alone

You're the only one I can talk to about it
In my darkest night I will be on my own

These walls that we climb are hard to recognize
They fall when I say your name

Here we go
Fast and slow
On the big chair

But we don't know
Where we're going
On the big chair

Don't you know it's hard, quite, in the time of confusion
To tell you that I love you

You see it could have been me instead of you
It could have been me if I wanted to
But it wasn't
So we'll have to face the truth

These walls that we climb are hard to recognize
They fall when I say your name

Here we go
Fast and slow
On the big chair

But we don't know
Where we're going
On the big chair

Time to pull the shutters down
Breakin' clouds don't make a sound?

Here we go
Fast and slow
On the big chair

But we don't know
Where we're going
On the big chair

Read into it what you will. I've never been one to be completely literal with this, since it's kind of like dreams.

I wonder when they're going to play the Walkmen song in the Spidey movie.

This is Not A Love Song

This song has been haunting me for the past week, and I can't seem to do anything about it.

I haven't been coordinated enough to put it on my ipod, and so every time it seeps into my brain, I haven't had the luxury of listening to it. Instead of making the problem go away, this is making it worse, and by the time I can get to the song, I'm hungry to hear it again.

I saw Kaiser Chiefs at Avalon on Monday night, with the Walkmen. It was one of the better shows I've seen, and even though I've got some sort of plague or the SARS or a black lung, or whatever it is, I still enjoyed the show tremendously. I have been dying to see the Walkmen live for...oh, forever, and they did not dissappoint (except for their six song set. That tiny little number disappointed a bit), and even though I was a little scared that the Kaiser Chiefs show was going to be awkward (the lead singer seemed like a bit of a ham at first, and the crowd was not buying it...for about half a minute, then he riled us all up and it was awesome), it was amazing.

And still.

I cannot get this song out of my head.

It's like this urge that I'll get, and when I get it, I have to have a fix. And when it pops into my head, I always have to pause to figure out which song it is, and it burns inside of me until I do. And my heart sinks when I realize that the only place it lives is on my computer at work, and it will be anotehr several hours before I can listen to it again.

And so I wait. And every time I listen to it, I think, "Well. This song is good, but it's not great. It's catchy, but it not a brilliant musical masterpiece. Why?" But it eats at my soul. It rocks me in all of my hidden places, it finds the darkest corners of my mind and drives me crazy.

This must be what it's like to fall in love.

Cheetah Attack

"Hurry! You're missing the intro! You're missing a zebra, chasing a bunch of gazelle"
[silence]
"And elephants!"
[more silence]
"And seals! And a cheetah!
[nothing]
"Eating a penguin!"

"...Wait. A WHAT? All I heard was a zebra and a gazelle...A bunch of stuff I'm not interested in...And cheetahs eating penguins."

Later...

"Look at those penguins just sitting there like jerks! Lazy penguins."
"You know what they need? A good old fashioned cheetah attack."
"The Discovery Channel should bring their own cheetahs to the penguin colonies."
"That would show them."

Yoshimi Battles The Pink Robots

me: Did I tell you about the five piece string quartet version of Yoshimi Battles the Pink Robots pt. 1 that I have?
me: And how I want it played at my wedding?
me: Possibly while I walk down the asile?
Laura: LOL
Laura: No, you didn't
me: Well, there you go
me: It's such a great love song!
me: Arguably the greatest love song of our time
Laura: You argue that, I'll stay here and listen
me: She's battling the pink robots! She won't let the robots defeat him!
me: And he trusts her implicitly!!
me: Not to let the robots win!!!
Laura: LOL

Monday Madness - Automobiles

This is kind of timely in a strange way, since I have nearly been killed by cars twice in the past three days. Odd.

What kind of automobile do you drive?

I don't own or lease a car. The last car I drove was a U-Haul van to move our crap from point A to point B, unless you count my father's Dodge Ram.

What kind of automobile do you WISH you drove?

I wouldn't mind an Audi.

When is the last time you bought a vehicle (new or used)?

Let's see...This Thursday will make it two years from...never.

What is your color of choice as far as vehicles go?

Nothing poopy. I'd probably choose something silver.

Do you regularly have your oil changed?

Yes. No. I don't know what this would mean for me...what with not having a car and everything.

How long do you generally keep a vehicle before thinking about buying a new one?

I would say that if I ever bought a car, I'd love it for about six months before I thought about cheating on it. Like most [inanimate] things :)

What kind of automobile will you buy next?

I have no clue. I live in a city with great public transportation, and don't plan on moving too soon, so that decision is so far away I'm not even thinking about thinking about it.

I Predict A Riot

Worst misheard lyric to date:

Kaiser Chiefs' I Predict A Riot
Instead of "I predict a riot," the title and CHORUS of the song, I heard "I could have Tourette's."

I had to Google it, and I still don't hear "I predict a riot," but it's harder to hear "I could have Tourette's," now. I'm too embarrassed to admit how long I've thought those were the lyrics before I bothered to question this.

Silly accents.

Woo! Pete Yorn!

Two and a half months ago, J bought me tickets to see Pete Yorn in concert, and that concert is tonight.

I want to put something in perspective here very quickly, though, because I think it’s important to note that two and a half months ago, J and I had only been dating for a few weeks. I did not expect a birthday present from him, even a little bit, but instead of no present, he bought two tickets to see Pete Yorn - after we’d had just one casual conversation about how Pete Yorn would be at Avalon in March. I won’t get all gushy about how amazing it is to have a boyfriend who pays attention to details like that and makes me Pete Yorn themed birthday cards with concert tickets that (if I’d have opened the card correctly) would pop out from an elaborate set up of paper and scotch tape, or how wonderful it is to spend a lot of time with a boy who cooks things for me, and says “as well,” instead of “too,” or “also,” but I will say that I’m really happy about being with someone who told me it was okay if I exposed myself to Pete Yorn tonight, even though he probably thought I was kidding.

It’s been about three months since our first date (actually, what’s really barf-ably cute is that it’s three months to the day since our first official date), and I’m really glad that we threw caution to the wind several times over, because [adding to a really long list of reasons I’m happy,] for the first time in about a year, I actually have a concert buddy! I won’t tell you how much cooler it will be going to this concert with someone I really like instead of going with nobody. We Are Scientists were awesome, but seeing concerts on your lonesome is less than awesome. I know that it takes someone “brave” to go see a concert alone, but what it really is is “pathetic,” and what no one says when they call you “brave” for doing things like that alone is that instead of being jealous, they’re really kind of sad that you seem to have no friends. Yeah, maybe they’re a little jealous because goddamn, you went to see the Raconteurs, and screw everyone if they didn’t want to go with you that night, but really they’re wondering what is wrong with you that you can’t find a concert buddy.

No?

Whatever. I’m glad I don’t have to deal with that paranoia tonight.

Monday Madness - Sleeping & Cleaning

How many times do you wake up during the night?

Usually, if I can remember waking up during the night, I'm up for good. It's no more than once or twice on an average night when I remember waking up. Sometimes I'm lucky enough to get back to sleep, but usually I'm not.

On an average, how many hours of sleep do you try to get?

six to eight.

What day of the week do you do your "major" housecleaning?

I don't have a set day, but I tend to sweep the floors on Monday night because trash day is Tuesday.

How often do you move your furniture to clean behind it?

Hahahahahahahahahahaha

Do you do your dishes by hand or do you own a dishwasher?

Oh, to have a dishwasher. That would be glorious.

Exposing myself to Pete Yorn

"Oh yeah, so I got an email recently about an 'Expose yourself to Pete Yorn' contest."
"Expose yourself to Pete Yorn? Sounds. Interesting..."
"I'm not sure exactly what it entails, but if it's anything like what it sounds like, I'M TOTALLY DOING IT AT THE CONCERT!"
"Awesome. I won't be"
"Really? You wouldn't mind if I exposed myself to Pete Yorn?"
"As long as you didn't get invited backstage."
"Hey! I might. These are pretty nice."
"Mmmm."

At Least I Have Time To Work On My Base Tan

I've been pulling kind of ridiculous hours at work this week for a meeting on Friday. That was just cancelled today. I've still got a full day's worth of work for another project, so I'm still coming in all day on Friday. I've reached a zen state about it, though. I'm just going to think about it as five hours in Bermuda. That's how I'll get through it. I think. Have I mentioned that I'm going to Bermuda in May? I'm not sure that I've blogged about it yet.

I haven't blogged about a lot of things lately, opting instead to post things like today's inappropriate conversation:

Matt: Briar, I have a question for you...
me: What's that?
Matt: How come every time you come around my london london bridge wanna go down, like lundie lundie luh who-hoo?
Laura: I just lost it. That was priceless -- I am changing my facebook status to that.
(one minute and thirty seconds later)
Matt: wow, you and Briar are FAST
Matt: I wish google would let us have a 3-way

So yeah. I'm going to BERMUDA in May, for a wedding. I have a post-it on my desktop monitor to remind me, every second of every work day that, yes...there is a big, sunny reward on the horizon. So go to the gym...work an extra hour...

And who am I kidding? It's just reminding me that I'm that much farther away from May.

Not Vulgar Enough

Because this website isn't already vulgar *enough*:

"I hate waiting for the printer to print something when it's in between stages of broken and fine. I'll sit there and wait, watching...hoping for my print-outs. It's horrible.

It's like being *really close* to having an orgasm, but then something happens or you get distracted...

...And then you don't."

That. Just. Happened.

Me: Oh, so squirrels can have birth control, but it's morally wrong when we want it?
Laura: Maybe if you whip yourself and others into a breading frenzy we can change that.
Laura: Breeding. Jesus. We're not frying things.
Me: Hahahahaha -- breading babies!
Laura: The other other white meat.

Monday Madness - Potpourri

From beth: What's the most unusual hobby you have? How did you get started with it?

Knitting is not an unusual hobby, but it's the only one I have had that I have ever stuck with. I learned in college; my living group had a knitting rush event, and one of my friends taught me how to cast on and how to do a knit stitch. I was instantly transfixed by the way the needles moved and made an actual piece of fabric! It was rough going at first...everything got all twisted and tangled, and my first scarf had these wavy edges from where I was inadvertently adding stitches at the end of each row. It was a miserable failure of a piece in the way that only a first piece of knitting can possibly be, but even with all of the things that seem impossible, it's one of those gratifying hobbies that I'm really glad I stuck with.

From briar: How many different kinds of music do you listen to? Name a few favorites, if you please.

Ha. I think I asked this when I was trying to expand my iTunes library! Hmmm...So, I like to listen to a lot of everything, but most of my songs tend to the softer/lighter side of rock and pop music. I like some folk songs and bluegrass, jazz and classical, country and reggaeton :) Most of my library can be classified as "indie rock" or "indie pop," though.

My favorite songs right now are by Less Than Jake, The Fratellis, Voxtrot, and The Elected.

From iris: Do you take advantage of the outdoor areas where you live? What's your favorite thing to do outside? What's your favorite local bird?

You know, I don't take advantage of the outside where I'm from. I'm kind of a fan of air conditioning and controlled tempuratures. I do like to take my knitting outside to a park with a cup of coffee sometimes, and I do like long walks. I live in a slightly more urban environment, though, and don't have a car, so my "outdoor" time is somewhat limited by lack of "outdoors," but that's also a choice, not an inconvenience.

I don't have a favorite bird, but I do like feeding the ducks, even though it's illegal...

From kristy: Children: Do you have any?

Ha. No.

From amy: What is your favorite part of spring?

Short answer: The flowers.

Spam: Modern Literature

Shakespeare and Jane Austen have nothing on these guys:

cant goodbye some god mischievous might ticket?
ought science ought?
promised grew bread taught. pie forth bad oh taken am taught.

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