11 October 2006

Down in your arms, your arms, I am a wild creature

The impermeable sadness that I'm feeling today is making me want to cry about everything. Every time I turn a corner I'm afraid I'll burst into tears. I didn't want to eat breakfast, so I cried. Laura's gone, I burst into tears. I forgot my lunch...I started sobbing. My mood is being punctuated by tiny swells of "everything's going to be fine. get it together," but I feel like I'm waiting for the bottom to drop out, and I'm scared because I'm not feeling much of anything these days, but when I do get overwhelming feelings of emotion, they're like this. Or do I just feel that way today? (I don't feel like I need to add that this is the worst day ever to feel this way)

Is it sad that I don't think I know how to be anything but numb these days? I feel like I should be happy, but when I know I should be happy I'm manic because it's forced.

I don't know if this makes any sense to anyone but myself. Or why I compulsively document these feelings when I let the beautiful joyous ones pass by without so much as a second thought.

That's the foundation I'm working with today.

I found shoes in my closet that I had forgotten I had, which either means that I have too many shoes, or I'm losing my memory. I want to go with the latter because I'm still uncertain that the former is even possible.

[Currently Spinning: The Mountain Goats - Broom People]

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

can't have too many shoes...must be temporary memory loss. i miss your face with all my face. just think about your half taco tatoo and smile. :)