I walked home from Porter Square tonight, instead of Davis, because I felt like walking a little bit, and an overwhelming sense of sadness came over me, suddenly. I guess it only "lasted" for about two blocks, but it hit me hard and strong and it took me by surprise because it's been so long since I've felt this way.
I don't have any explanations. I have a full life. I'm happy, for the first time in years. I may be a little bit boring, I may not travel as much as I'd like to, but I'm happy. I have friends who love me, and more importantly, I have friends who I love. There are people in my life who are so important to me, I am not kidding when I say I would die for them.
So why was I hit with waves of unanswerable sadness today? Why, after so long, did I suddenly feel so lonely?
I don't let people in and then I'm frustrated that they seem distant. I don't want to feel like this. I don't want to be someone who needs someone, or even someone who wants someone. I want to be happy in solitude, not burdened with loneliness.
But sometimes what I really want is just for someone to hold me while I fall asleep, and wake up in my bed beside me. Not enough to...to what? Not enough to let people in?
I don't even know, anymore.
1 comment:
It isn't always about some personal flaw. Maybe the only reason something hasn't happened yet is because its time hasn't come. It doesn't always have to be your fault.
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