I'm Not That Basic, I Swear

I bought this yarn once with nothing in particular in mind - I figured it wouldn't hurt to buy one skein as something of a sample, and save on shipping, since at the time I was also buying the shimmer yarn (that Emily has already reprimanded me for "overbuying." Psh. As though there's such a thing when yarn is involved). I figured if I liked what I saw, I'd buy some more for whatever project it felt like becoming.

Well, today, I found a project - and the even better news is that it only requires one skein/hank - so I'm already good to go! Yes, today the sunrise gossamer yarn told me that it wants to be the trellis scarf from the Spring 2006 issue of Interweave Knits - which is supposed to be knit using one hank of alpaca cloud yarn from knitpicks, but the gossamer seemed appropriate, too. When I first saw the pattern that I knew I would someday knit, I thought I would stay true to what the pattern called for because knitpicks is a bargain, and I have always wanted an excuse to try the alpaca cloud. Today, though, I was browsing blogs and I saw that someone is using the shimmer yarn (the very same colourway that I used for my paisley lace shawl), and the result seems interesting and convinced me to just go the heck ahead and try the gossamer - why not? If the result is hideous, and the colourway gets in the way of the lace pattern, I can always rip it out and head over to knitpicks to get a skein of the alpaca cloud. I haven't decided if I should finish the sock first - or start the scarf so I can finish before spring is over. There are so many projects I haven't finished though! Like my bolero, and the two scarves that I've started, and the hat that I haven't started. But now I guess I have a whole two seasons before said people need their hats and scarves, and now is the time for spring knitting, people. Spring! Knitting!

I'm still trucking along on the SOCK! I want to finish, so we can stop having this situation:


I think a pedicure is also in order.

In non-knitterly, un-toe-related news, the sun is out, and it is a very warm day. Pleasant, spring like - with flowers. And sun. Sun! If you haven't found an excuse to go outside yet, find an excuse, because it is glorious. Even more so if you don't run into men peeing on the sidewalk like Alisa and I did on our way back from Harvard Square.

Now Listening: Rilo Kiley - Don't Deconstruct

It's Like Riding a Bike

My ipod made it through my entire run today. There was [over!] thirty minutes of continuous play, and I was so proud of it I almost cried. I'll still be buying a nano when I get my first paycheck, because it's just an ipod, not a child, and I will feel no remorse trading it in. Ok - I'll feel a pang of remorse, but that's it, I swear!

My real reason for updating for the third time today, though, is that I needed to document something. I felt it today - that feeling that being alone right now is okay. I don't just mean sans-boyfriend, because it's deeper than that and almost completely unrelated. I remember when college boyfriend first moved to New York, and after a few months of adjustment, I started enjoying having an excuse to just be alone without feeling guilty that I wasn't spending time with him or even thinking about him, and I started *gasp* enjoying the moments of peace and solitude. A similar feeling of contentment washed over me today; I was alone with my thoughts and my music and myself and just being. I felt warm from the inside out, and I was glowing, pulsating - I was alive for the first time in a long time. The running helped. The warm sun on my face helped. The guy with the Smiths shirt and the burgundy leather jacket who smiled at me helped, but mostly it was just that I was happy.

My playlist today was also something to be envied. I hadn't quite found the right mix, yet - sometimes some songs were too slow, or they weren't fast enough, or didn't have that beat - that one that makes you want to get up and dance. Here's the rundown:

The Subways - Oh Yeah
Fall Out Boy - Sugar, We're Going Down
Stars - What I'm Trying To Say
Rilo Kiley - It's A Hit
The Killers - Mr. Brightside
Stars - One More Night
Green Day - Church on Sunday
Jenny Lewis and The Watson Twins - You Are What You Love
Rilo Kiley - Go Ahead

It was perfect for a thirty minute run (The Subways came on again just as I came up to our street), and it was the perfect mix of dance dance and melancholy. It was good.

Ow, my thumb!

I decided after the last sock that I don't like cotton yarn. This is why. Unfortunately, I have two feet, so I need two socks. My thumb is paying for it, though - and no amount of lotion has helped. The sock, however, is coming along:

Soon. Soon, it will be done.

Unemployment Checks and Roommate Notes

I haven't been getting my unemployment checks yet, but today I was able to call and settle things. They have this thing...if your social security number ends in certain digits, you have to call after certain days. For me, this is Wednesday. I have an incredible amount of respect for the people who work at the unemployment office. Every time I have spoken with them, they have hung up cheerily, optimistically, and wishing me "good luck" with my job search. I understand that you just can't tolerate negativity in your employees when they deal, on a day to day basis, with people who are potentially depressed or even suicidal [because they just lost their jobs], but it's still incredibly refreshing to be the idiot on one end of the phone instead of the other way around (I filled in my form incorrectly last week - oops).

Oh! I had a dream that this boy, Carl who I knew in middle and high school, had called me "just to chat." This is far outside of the realm of reality - in fact, the last time Carl and I spoke was when he humiliated me in front of his orchestra pals because I owed him 35 cents. I learned an important lesson about a) the difference between asking jerks who sit next to you in section to lend you money for the vending machine and asking friends to lend you money for the vending machine, and b) the difference between asking if you can "borrow" something or if you can "bum" something. Also c) the importance of ascertaining which category the person falls into, and if it's the first - pay them back the very next day, otherwise that's when they'll take the opportunity to yell and then laugh at you scornfully - no mercy! Anyway, it's no secret that we didn't like each other, even though were were almost-friends in middle school. He's still in contact with some people from HS that I know, but they run in different circles and it's not a problem. Last Carl was in my life it was as a ghost - years ago at a summer concert where someone admitted Carl had spread a particular rumor about me to the entire group. It was true, but I kept cool as a cucumber and neither denied it nor admitted to it. I just kind of stood there with "a look" on my face (I have so many looks...and yet only one - it was one of those).

This morning, Alisa left me a note on our whiteboard: It's a beautiful day outside!! Take a walk, go for a run, take some pictures!

*smiles* Thanks, Alisa. I will. Again - only confirmation that I won the roommate lottery, and also a glimmer of hope that Dusty wasn't lying when she told me "I know it sounds cliché, but sometimes things really are darkest before the dawn." Things that make me genuinely smile are rare these days, but they're still there.

Now Reading: Everything is Illuminated by Joseph Safran Foer
Now Listening: Switchfoot - This is Your Life
Now Knitting: SOCK!!
Now drinking: Hazlenut Creme/Harvard Blend blend coffee - the *perfect* cup of coffee

Hats for Tats

Image by Natalie Dee @ nataliedee.com
Sentiment: Shared by many, including yours truly.
Now Reading: Everything is Illuminated by Joseph Safran Foer
Now Listening: U2 - Acrobat
Now Knitting: Branching out in white mohair, SOCK!!!

What's up, Chuck?

CHARLES DOWD HAS FOUND ME ON MYSPACE AND I HAVE TO SAY THAT AS MUCH AS I HATE MYSPACE, THIS MERE MOMENT HAS MADE IT ALL WORTH IT.

*Ahem*

So, Charlie. What can I say about Charlie? Charlie and I were BFF in 8th Grade. We were practically joined at the hip; bonded by our mutual love of Charles M. Schultz and a fascination with the Donner Party. On multiple occasions, Mr. Hamilton had to threaten separation or death when we got out of hand in History class (at the time we believed separation to be worse). On those such occasions, there would invariably be the most ridiculous notes passed back and forth. One word notes. Things about Mr. Hamilton (as much trouble as we might have gotten into with him, he really loved us - and only actually got mad once. It was enough to sober us up fast). Mrs. McDonald did separate us - banishing me to a dark corner of the room because she had dated Charlie's dad in high school and liked him more than she liked me. I still have his Dookie CD (*SHHHHH*). Even though he'd heard it all his life, he was never annoyed when I thought, for three solid years, that "What's up, Chuck?" was the funniest thing I'd ever heard. He was not only completely supportive, but equally thrilled when I used Spam as a project prop for more than one class (we were really into Spam, ok?), and he was there when we drop kicked said Spam in the street and then stuffed it in someone's mailbox and ran (yeah, so we were also little hooligans...). We sang the Monty Python Spam song to each other, and used to do the Knights who say "Ni!" bit a lot. He gave me a stuffed snoopy he'd had as a child, and I do still have it somewhere. I didn't bring it to college because, uh - it was actually already on its last leg. But I do have it. Seriously. I Heart Charlie Dowd. If there's a Charlie Dowd fan club, sign me up, and tell me where to pay the dues, baby.

I know things happened. I don't want to get into it, mostly because I don't truly remember what it was. I was 15, I knew he liked me, but I couldn't...or didn't want to be with him. And that was it. To him, it kind of meant we couldn't be friends anymore, and I thought that was just awful and was really terrible to him. I didn't even try to be a good friend after that, which I'm sure only amplified the problem. I felt so badly about the way things went down, later, and there are people you still think about all the time - years after the fact, and for me, Charlie was one of them. I never lost Charlie in my heart. He was one of those friends with whom I shared everything - good, bad, disgusting (you know...secrets, tears, chewing gum...that sort of thing).
He's a chef now. How freaking awesome is that?! A Chef! And he has who appears to be the sweetest girlfriend fiance!, ever. He looks good, too - happy, healthy - like Charlie, but in better clothing (just kidding - I love you!)

Now Reading: Everything is Illuminated by Joseph Safran Foer
Now Listening: Stars - Set Yourself on Fire

U2 - Even Better Than The Real Thing

Give me one more chance
And you'll be satisfied
Give me two more chances
You won't be denied

Well my heart is where it's always been
My head is somewhere in between
Give me one more chance
Let me be your lover tonight
(Check it out)

You're the real thing
Yeah the real thing
You're the real thing
Even better than the real thing
Child...

Give me one last chance
And I'm gonna make you sing
Give me half a chance
To ride on the waves that you bring

You're honey child to a swarm of bees
Gonna blow right through you like a breeze
Give me one last dance
We'll slide down the surface of things

You're the real thing
Yeah the real thing
You're the real thing
Even better than the real thing
Child...

We're free to fly the crimson sky
The sun won't melt our wings tonight
Oh now...here she comes

Take me higher
Take me higher
You take me higher
You take me higher
You're the real thing
Yeah the real thing
You're the real thing
Even better than the real thing
Even better than the real thing
Even better than the real thing

The Devil Wears Prada

I hit a real low this morning when I realized I'd finishedThe Devil Wears Prada last night! I really don't have a clue what I feel like reading next. I have four new books I can get started on, or maybe more like eight...In Cold Blood, Expecting Adam, The Priestly Sins, Angela's Ashes, Atlas Shrugged, Anthem, Everything is Illuminated, and A Room With A View. The last four have been on my "to read:" list since last year, the first four are relatively new.

First of all, I went into this book without any real prior knowledge. I try not to read reviews or summaries before I read books on the bestseller list. I did, however, know that this book was reportedly a roman à clef about a Vogue intern, and that the hellish boss was reportedly Anna Wintour. Whether or not it's true, the gossipy bitch inside of me read page after page with complete fascination. So, this is a good book - a great book if, like me, you can't help but raise an eyebrow when words like Louis Vuitton, Marc Jacobs, Jimmy Choo, &tc. are thrown around casually - and want to know if all of the snippets you've read on the blogosphere about Anna Wintour are true or not.

It really was chick lit in the worst possible way, but like The Shopaholic Series, I loved the easy reading (i.e. not written particularly well) and the fast-paced story. I was not particularly impressed, however, by the predictable ending and the choppy way the story was written (Andrea is at Runwayfor a whole year, but somewhere between page 30 and page 130, we jumped from month 4 to month 7, and I didn't notice that three months of activity had passed), nor by the anti-climactic resolution between Andrea and Alex, or the way Lily's story was wrapped up - after it had been poorly "alluded" to (read: beaten into your brain repeatedly). Also, when she introduces herself to Christian as Andrea, and he calls her Andy right off the bat, I couldn't tell if it was a typo or intentional - and it bugged me for a few pages. Even when I found a typo in one of the copies of P&P that I have, I wasn't that bothered. And yes, that means I have multiple copies of Pride and Prejudice...

Now that I've read the book, and found all sorts of nitpicky things that annoyed me, I'm not sure what to think. A lot of people worship this book (at the orthodontist's office alone, I was approached by four residents who were lauding this book and told me that it was sooooo fabulous), but the reviews at Amazon.com are completely true. The book is not written well. The characters are flat.

But did I enjoy it? Yes. And unfortunately, an easy and enjoyable read sometimes makes it harder to jump into a book like A Room With A View or Anthem...

Beautiful...

I finished casting off on the shawl last night. At this point, it was beautiful and I was so proud of myself and Oh...my...me. But at the same time, when you're done with a lace piece, it's kind of bunchy and a little wonky looking - essentially, homemade. Not that It looks "professional" now, but it does look a bit better. The process for "fixing" a lace piece (or most any other knitting, actually), is called blocking. I tried my hand at it for the first time today.

This is the shawl soaking in a warm bath. The water was a vivid blue - which was predictable since my once gorgeous bamboo knitting needles are all stained blue from this yarn. There are supposed to be two cold rinses after this, but I did four. The fourth rinse came out reasonably clear, so we were good to go. I didn't photograph the step where I squeezed out the water on towels on my living room floor, because - uh, I was squeezing.

I pinned the shawl to my bed on towels - not because it was really very wet at this point, but because my sheets are cream colored, and the yarn is still blue. Knowing my luck, even the slightest bit of moisture would dye my sheets. I've already got pesto stains (don't ask), best not tempt fate.

Isn't it beautiful?

Now What Do I Knit?!?!?!?

The shawl that has been the bane of my existence for the past few days is now done. Finished. Finito!!! Hooray! I'm so happy I could dance a little. I've still got to block it (otherwise Emily could have taken it to Indiana...I would have let her, but I'm never letting another project leave my sight until it's done, because for real, it kind of leaves me on pins and needles knowing that a scarf that I made last year is in some box or somewhere without its tassles because some jerkface idiot (joke) left it somewhere before I was able to finish it).

Two things before I go to bed: Emily, I'm sorry for being so sad at the end of the evening. It's just tough with no job and no "prospects." I promise I'll try to have a super awesome time on Saturday, even if it's just one super awesome time and then - that's it. Second thing: Snakes. On. A Plane. Snakes!!! (I got my shirt in the mail today, lol)

Elevator Love Letter

Day two of violining caused a blister. Love the pain!--Or, at least, take a deep breath and keep going. I found some free etudes online. Enough to tide me over for a long time, actually.
-----------
As Hey Jealousy came up on my playlist last night, I couldn't help but let it take me back to those days - driving around in his Mazda Protegé, listening to that song on repeat, feeling sixteen again, letting the wind whip through my hair as we drove nowhere late at night, racing the clock before my parents had to have me home.

And wouldn't you know it? The computers, they are taking over - or at least becoming mind readers: The next song up was Pinch Me.

As nostalgic as I was feeling, that was when I called it quits. Really. Sometimes enough is enough.

Now Listening: Stars

Oh Ishmael, How I Missed You!

I picked up my violin for the first time in years (honest to goodness years) today.

I feel apologies are in order to Ishmael (my violin) and myself for ignoring this for so long! My fingers are currently in excruciating pain - after only thirty minutes of tuning and fiddling around (ha!) I couldn't stand the pain from the strings, and had to put him back in his case.

In case you were wondering, I am terrible. I kept playing on the next string over, and my fingers move so slowly! Snail speed! It was all I could do to read through the Montagues and the Capulets without crying! Ok, so to be fair, I was reading through some pretty difficult pieces, but it's all I had in my case aside from the Etudes book that I think I will be starting with next time.

I'm currently over at Southwest Strings browsing for a new set of strings (another problem was that every last string on that instrument is at least five years old and false! I think my gold E string was a gift from Aaron, which means it was probably a string from his instrument and is thus even older - he used to change his strings before concerts, unlike yours truly, and he sometimes gave me his "castoffs" if I broke a string) - and some rosin. I could probably use a tuner, too. I don't know what to do with this, but something tells me if I'm serious, there's probably a community orchestra in Somerville or Cambridge to be found. There's something very gratifying about being a part of an orchestra. I can't describe the feeling I get when I know that I'm contributing part of myself and working with the other people to make music. Sometimes it's much better to be part of an "us" than it is to be a "me."

I used to play in a community orchestra in El Paso. It was even a paying gig - not much in the way of money, but the check gave it even more of a sense of accomplishment. At the time I was one of the youngest people there (most were in their 30's, 40's, and up), and because of this was seated in the second violin section, no question. I ended up being much better than some of the people in the first violin section (the back of the section, though, not the front!), but now, I'm pretty sure I'd be at least as bad as some of those people I reserved that special kind of judgement for - the jealous kind that knew I should be above them based on talent alone. Karma, my friends - always remember that.

Now Listening: Grant Lee Buffalo - Truly, Truly

I Would Change Myself if I Could

I finally finished A Confederacy of Dunces today! I also started casting off on the shawl, which is fabulous, but tedious. Six hundred and forty eight stitches of casting off. Laura knows: It will take me days to finish this one last leg of the project. I mean, in this case it's somewhat justified as it's tedium is enough to make me restless, but then again, even when it was a simple garter stitch scarf (on size 19 needles, no less), it took me ages to get the last inch done (perhaps days? I don't recall, but it was absurd).

So, Dunces was...well, it was what it was. It's a Quixotic tale of this guy who is just the epitome of ridiculous. I have to say that my favorite character was actually Gus Levy, and towards the end Reilly started boring me a little bit. I have known people like Ignatius J. Reilly, and even though the book is well written, and everything really tied up nicely in the end, I can't say it's my new favorite book or anything, and it was just because of the characters and my inability to connect with them on any emotional level - well, except for Mrs. Reilly at the end, but really - it was about time she stood up for herself! Geez! I did appreciate the absurdity, though, and it wasn't as though I had to force myself to finish the book, but I won't be drunkenly trying to thrust it on anyone any time soon.

Next up is The Devil Wears Prada, because something tells me it will be easier to get through than In Cold Blood. I also have two books I picked up at the Salvation Army, that I might read right after The Devil Wears Prada. I'm too lazy to get up and check the titles, but one is a novel by a priest about a scandal in the Catholic church (I know, right?! It's fiction...but still!) and the other is a book about a woman who finds out her unborn child has Down's Syndrome and how she copes with it. Good stuff. I should get to bed before 3Am for once, though...I have a busy day tomorrow, what with finding expensive yarn for Emily, cooking dinner for the ingrates lovely ladies at WILG, and then hanging out with Emily and not watching anything on the TV...because...I mean nothing I watch is on on Wednesdays. Right, Em?

Now Listening: Third Eye Blind - Deep Inside of You

try to be a filter, not a sponge.

I just finished reading the perks of being a wallflower. Several things drew me into this book; first and foremost, its quotability. I think because of the narrative style, it seemed kind of simple and not necessarily quotable at first, but there were so many passages that just made me stop, put the book down, grab a pencil, and scribble the words down on whatever scrap piece of paper was next to me at the time. It got to a point where there were too many -- I may as well have been copying the book down by hand.

I did the thing at the end where I rush through it to get to the last sentence, because I can't help it and I love the book so much and it's just eating me away inside and I NEED to know what happens to the protagonist, but at the same time I'm frantic and panicked because I never want this book to end! (I just bought this book today and started reading on the T on my way home from that interview)

This book made me cry like I have not been able to cry for months. The presiding thought on my mind the past few weeks has been "I was 22-years-old when I forgot how to cry. I just stopped being able to do it." I just want to feel again. This book probably means a lot to me because of that.
Most notably, though, the narrative style, or something about the character reminded me of Matt. It was remarkable (I mean it as a compliment, though!). Matt is not a wallflower, and I can't really explain it. Go read his blog and read the book, and maybe you'll get what I mean. Or maybe you'll just think I'm crazy.

In case there's any interest, I also bought The Devil Wears Prada (like Dunces, I want to be able to see this movie when it comes out! Without feeling "guilty," that is), and the last book I picked up (my absolute CUTOFF) was In Cold Blood. I seriously flirted with getting the Tao of Pooh, as well, but put it down when I saw In Cold Blood. I'm strapped for cash as it is *blushes* but I can't help it, I'm a sucker for books!

I would like to point out, just for the sake of making this post longer and more boring, that I HATED the fact that this book was called, in some reviews, a "modern day Catcher in the Rye." Ugh.
Anyway, go. Read this book. I'll wait here.

Quotes of the Week

"He just wanted to see if my life without him was the same.
It's not.
It's much better."
----------
"Is that a Wu Tang Clan shirt?"
"No, It says Dinky's Donuts."
----------
"Matt, are you wearing a Wu Tang Clan shirt?"
"No, it's a picture of a muffin"
----------
"All of us are going to be orphans! Except Kristina, because I'm going to kill her.
With my chopsticks."
"I've seen you use chopsticks. I'm not scared."
----------
...&tc. And this is why I love my friends. A real entry will follow soon, because I just had the most amazing job interview today and I really, really, really hope that I get this job. I am about to send a "thanks for the interview" email, but some really annoying-yet-catchy japanese music just popped up on my playlist and now I can't concentrate. (Uh, thanks Ben)

Start Again

I imagine what it would be like if I picked up and moved away. I think about places like Kentucky, places like Georgia...just warm southern places, where there are lots of big old trees and big loud bugs, and my hollywood-encouraged probably totally imagined haze of slow old fashioned time, the air heavy with the scent of sweet tea and grass. I imagine laying awake at night, listening to the epic thunderstorms, sitting on the porch at night watching the fireflies, living a quiet life, where no one could find me. I could just start all over again.

-taken from leisel.diaryland.com

Now Listening : Duncan Sheik

Dinky's Donuts

Tonight a bunch of us went to dinner at Brown Sugar, then to Tomb where Matt was our tour guide.

Tomb was very fun, and apparently none of us had to die because none of us are that stupid. And honestly, the puzzles weren't that hard, so I can't see how people do die at Tomb...Kristina could get us out of any ancient tomb, though. Ben may be the president of the Kristina Chidozie fan club, but I'm her number one fan.

Highlights of the evening (because I'm too lazy to form paragraphs and string sentences together coherently):

• Emily giving me the idea for a new way to get people's attention - tap the side of their head with one finger.
• Calling Matt "Safari Matt."
• Getting into Tomb on a *wink, wink* basis.

Happy St. Patrick's Day!

I just woke up. There is so much I wanted to do before Irish festivities began...I do have three hours, but if I've learned anything from the sloth and general laziness I've developed since I've been staying home all day, it's that three hours isn't a lot of time. Especially when you poke it about getting around.

Plus, I haven't had coffee yet, so I might need another hour to get jump started as is.

Today is going to be crazy.

Here's hoping it's the good kind.

Fiona Apple - Oh Well

What you did to me made me
See myself something different
Though I try to talk sense to myself
But I just won't listen

Won't you go away
Turned yourself in
You're no good at confession
Before the image that you burned me in
Tries to teach you a lesson

What you did to me made me see myself somethin' awful
A voice once stentorian is now again meek and muffled
It took me such a long time to get back up the first time you did it
I spent all I had to get it back, and now it seems I've been outbidded

My peace and quiet was stolen from me
When I was looking with calm affection
You were searching out my imperfections

What wasted unconditional love
On somebody
Who doesn't believe in the stuff

You came upon me like a hypnic jerk
When I was just about to settle
And when it counts you recoil
With the cryptic word you even love belittling

Oh what a cold and common old way to go
I was feeding on the need for you to know me
Devastated at the rate you fell below me

What wasted unconditional love
On somebody
Who doesn't believe in the stuff

Oh, well

oh...my...me.

This is a video of what I like to call dining room baseball. I think that's all the introduction it needs...

3.14159265358 is all I know

π

Happy Pi Day!

How did you celebrate pi day? Me, I did it by watching 10 hours of 24. I did not eat pie, but that's 'cause I got my fill of pie when Emily's dad made pie on Sunday (though let's not lie, had there been pie in the house, I'd have eaten pie).

I also celebrated it by having two innapropriately long conversations. One about how many pi-years old Peter and I are (~7.02pi), and the other about how I cannot possibly be a ninja because I was conquered by a pair of strappy sandals.

I also bought all of the Captiva film that CVS had left (I finally did it! I bought all the film! Take that "Get it while you can" sign!) Also, it was on sale, and I had a $3 off coupon! So basically it was as though I paid for one pack of film, and got two! Which is good because most of it expired already, which is evident from the fact that only every other image develops...erm. Awesome, Polaroid.

I applied to two more firms, and plan on dropping off a resumé and cover letter at another place tomorrow. Unemployment is boring...

Today I ate the purse meatballs

Today was kind of bleh. The only things I did of note:
Watched 6 episodes of the fourth season of 24;
Talked to Sara;
Finally pulled back three repeats of the shawl and did one more row, although two of the repeats were, to put it mildly, wrong - wrong, oh so wrong.

Tomorrow, I have a date. My first date in...ever. Seriously. I've always had boyfriends who were friends who turned into something more and not through "dating." Dates have always been something I do with my significant other. I'm a little nervous, to say the least. I wouldn't even know how to ask for pointers :) Anyway, I'm excited, too, so that's a good sign.

Other things I'm looking forward to:
Enchilada Wednesday;
Interview Thursday;
Green Beer Friday;
Tomb! Saturday.

I'm done being serious about any of you liars

Jessica and I guest blogged over on Emily's blog today, so you can go over there and check it out -- we mostly wrote about what happened to us this weekend, which saves me from explaining it to you losers here right now.
----------
I hate that I let myself fall in love.

Have you ever been in love? Horrible isn't it? It makes you so vulnerable. It opens your chest and it opens up your heart and it means that someone can get inside you and mess you up. You build up all these defenses, you build up a whole suit of armor, so that nothing can hurt you, then one stupid person, no different from any other stupid person, wanders into your stupid life... You give them a piece of you. They didn't ask for it. They did something dumb one day, like kiss you or smile at you, and then your life isn't your own anymore. Love takes hostages. It gets inside you. It eats you out and leaves you crying in the darkness, so simple a phrase like 'maybe we should be just friends' turns into a glass splinter working its way into your heart. It hurts. Not just in the imagination. Not just in the mind. It's a soul-hurt, a real gets-inside-you-and-rips-you-apart pain. I hate love.
-Neil Gaiman

And I don't know why, but today, I was just really, really sad. I miss the idea of...the thought that...I wanted...and I just don't know myself anymore. And instead of moving past it, I keep it hidden in the dark of my heart. And I keep hoping, but it's not a happy hoping anymore...it's something sadder, something darker, something miserable.

Stupid boy(s).

My Feet! Are Bleeding!

Yesterday, I went to get a manicure, while Emily got a manicure/pedicure, and Kristina got her eyebrows waxed and then decided at the last minute to get a manicure. It was fun, I liked the people, and I will be going back for a pedicure with Emily soon.

Why? Well, besides the fact that it looked really relaxing, last night, Harvard and I walked back from WILG, and when I got home...my feet. were bleeding. Well, one of my feet was bleeding. The other one just had a ginormous blister - or three. I can't believe it. Those shoes are so old, they should be way broken in by now. Although, every summer I have to prep my feet for strappy sandal weather. By prep myself I mean wear sandals like the ones I wore yesterday, walk around for a bit, take them off with blisters and cry a bit, then do it again in a week, until the blisters are callouses.

Harvard made me promise to dress sensibly on St. Patrick's day. However, we are going to Tommy Doyle's, then to Harvard, then to the apartment...maybe I can hack it in the 4" wedges I really want to wear...but maybe it's time to start talking myself out of that right now :) Before I end up bleeding on the day of my heritage. Or, you know. with a sprained ankle or swolen, gross feet.

I used to wear heels so often that when I switched to flats it hurt for a day. Ouch! I'm okay with my height now. I just like heels!

Tangent: Do you ever feel like you're having a conversation with someone, and (to borrow a fight club concept) you feel like they're just waiting for you to finish so they can say what they want to say? And that feeling that you start raising your voice to finish what you're saying even though someone else has moved on and is talking about someone else, even though you're talking to each other? That feeling, but on AIM -- is weird.

Senbazuru

One of the most famous origami designs is the Japanese crane. The crane is auspicious in Japanese culture. Japan has launched a satellite named tsuru (crane). Legend says that anyone who folds one thousand paper cranes will have their heart's desire come true. The origami crane (折鶴 orizuru in Japanese) has become a symbol of peace because of this legend, and because of a young Japanese girl named Sadako Sasaki. Sadako was exposed to the radiation of the atomic bombing of Hiroshima as an infant, and it took its inevitable toll on her health. She was then, a hibakusha -- an atom bomb survivor. By the time she was twelve in 1955, she was dying of leukemia. Hearing the legend, she decided to fold 1,000 cranes so that she could live. However, it was not just for herself that she wished healing. It is said that what made the girl truly special in her effort was her additional wish to end all such suffering, to bring peace and healing to the victims of the world.

-from the Wikipedia page on Origami.

I have made 12.

Rabbit Fur Coat

Jenny Lewis and The Watson Twins are going to be at the Somerville Theatre on March 17th. While normally I don't like doing things alone, I'm seriously considering going to see this show, even if no one else wants to go (and I'm reluctant to ask, since I don't know if anyone else is a Rilo Kiley fan, and if they are, would that translate into wanting to see Jenny Lewis perform solo? - which would be different from Rilo Kiley, but at the same time...well, listen to the songs - it's similar enough in that it's got that Jenny Lewis edge to it).

I was going to go see Cowboy Mouth alone at Paradise tomorrow, but I've seen them live three times, already - and I am not a big fan of their newer songs. Money is also kind of an issue - I can't exactly go traipsing around the city seeing live shows and eating dinner out with my friends on a weekly basis right now. If I feel I have to choose between Jenny and Cowboy Mouth, the choice is clear. (I also looked into Death Cab and Franz Ferdinand: tickets are about $110 online...so that's out).

So, if anyone who reads this is interested in seeing a great Indie/Alternative/Folk show on St. Paddy's day...let me know. Even though I don't have a copy of Rabbit Fur Coat, I have a few live recordings of the songs on the album, and I have a few Rilo Kiley CDs - I swear, it's going to be awesome. And drunky drunkerson is going to need some company at this show :) Since, you know...I'll be starting the drinking in the afternoon that day. What? It's not like I have to go to work.

Duncan Sheik - Half Life

I'm awake in the afternoon, I fell asleep in the living room
and it's one of those moments when everything is so clear.

Before the truth goes back into hiding,
I want to decide 'cause it's worth deciding
to work on finding something more than this fear.

It takes so much out of me to pretend.
Tell me now, tell me how to make amends.

Maybe, I need to see the daylight, leave behind the half-life.
Don't you see I'm breaking down?
Oh, lately, something here don't feel right,
This is just a half-life, is there really no escape?
No escape from time; of any kind?

I keep trying to understand this thing and that thing, my fellow man.
I guess I'll let you know when I figure it out,
And I don't mind a few mysteries, they can stay that way it's fine by me,
But you are another mystery I am missing.

It takes too much out of me to pretend.
Maybe, I need to see the daylight, leave behind the half-life.
Don't you see I'm breaking down?
Oh, lately, something here don't feel right.
This is just a half-life, is there really no escape?
No escape from time; of any kind?

Come on lets fall in love, come on lets fall in love,
Come on lets fall in love, again.

'Cause lately something here don't feel right.
This is just a half-life, without you I am breaking down.
Oh, wake me, I wanna see the daylight, save me from this half-life
Let's you and I escape, escape from time.
Come on lets fall in love, come on lets fall in love,
Come on lets fall in love, again.

Now Listening (ironically): Radiohead - Black Star

Just pass me by

I Have Salinger To Keep Me Warm At Night

deleted

The Sea Would Electrocute Us All

To further this thing (re: previous entry), these are the movies to rent on my "unemployment movie binge" queue:
Love Liza
Owning Mahowny
Punch Drunk Love
Empire Falls
State and Main*
I have seen State and Main, Empire Falls, and Punch Drunk Love, but don't remember State and Main (except that I liked it), Punch Drunk Love (was dead exhausted and may have fallen asleep, but I'm not sure - I tried so hard not to), and Empire Falls (watched it in snippets in a hotel room while I was in Niagara Falls/New York with my parents), so I figured they were worth another viewing.

That is also partially the answer to Skylar's question. I know it was Happiness that did it for me, but ultimately it was State and Main, where I ended up becoming completely enamoured with Hoffman's on-screen presence. I don't think you can physically have his babies, Skylar...besides, I called it first :)

I do think he's an astounding actor, though, and have to admit that I'm a little jealous that now everyone in the world knows it because...well, that was also part of the appeal - that being in love with him was a little, well..."underground." Not that no one knew who he was, just that it wasn't a name thrown around like it is now that Capote did so well.

*[The only reason 25th Hour, Red Dragon, and Happiness aren't on the list are because I own those.]

Listening: Radiohead - The Bends
Eating: Cinnamon Toast Crunch with a border of Total and 1% milk
Wearing: My baggiest and least flattering sweater, penguin pajama pants, red socks
Reading: Bless Me Ultima by Rudolfo Anaya

I ♥ Philip Seymour Hoffman

Freshman year at MIT, I got a book for Christmas from an ex-boyfriend. I had given him a book (but I actually bought it, wrapped it, and slapped a card on it), and he kind of ran to his room and said, "I meant to give this to you and wrap it and everything, but...well. Here." In other words, he ran into his room and pulled a non-Course-6 book off of the shelf and handed it to me.

The book was A Confederacy of DUNCES by John Kennedy Toole. I think there was a big fuss about it a few years ago because of the New York Times, but I didn't keep up with that sort of thing at the time. Even though I started getting into it, I had very little time for pleasure reading then. I got a little over a quarter of the way through it and just stopped, put it on my bookshelf, and forgot about it for a while.

For years, apparently, there's been a buzz about Philip Seymour Hoffman playing Ignatius J. Reilly. Given that he won Best Actor last night, maybe this will be something that finally gets pushed through and off the ground (and I have to say, if I could have hand picked an Ignatius Reilly, it would be Hoffman).

I will be prepared for this! I got about 30 pages into it last night, and if and when this movie comes out, I will have read the book and will have no excuses! Hooray! Either way, It's been four years. It's about stinking time I finish this book.

P.S. - I have a confession to make that makes me feel a little bit durty. The only person who knew this until today was Harvard, but I feel it's time to let the world know, just to clear the air. See, I have a bit of a celebrity crush on Hoffman. The thing is, and the reason I feel this is most dirty, my first exposure to Hoffman was the movie Happiness. If you haven't seen it - well, I recommend it, but it's not for the faint of heart! Also, it will make you rethink being friends with me, because, well...if Phil asked me to marry him tomorrow, and even have his babies, the answer would probably be yes (rather, it would be "OMG YES, YES, A MILLION TIMES YES!!!"). This also works if you've seen The 25th Hour, kind of.

Now Reading: A Confederacy of DUNCES by John Kennedy Toole
Now Watching: Gilmore Girls Season 4

For Esmé with Love and Squalor

Sometimes I do things to myself, destructive things, and I don't remember them until later. It's as though a force is guiding me and I wake up some time in the middle of it or it eventually occurs to me that I have just done something self-destructive.

Tonight, on the way home, I stopped at 7-11 and bought a pack of cloves (I don't smoke...except for the past few days, I suppose). I got on the T, intending to go to Porter Square, but in a moment of blind spontaneity, jumped off of the train at Harvard Square and decided to walk home from there, so that I could talk to Peter and smoke a clove.

So, here I am, smoking my cancer-stick, cell phone on one ear, ipod blaring in the other, walking alone late at night.

It's like playing a game of Russian roulette that might last forty or fifty years. Which instance of self-destructive behaviour that I perform in my early twenties will kill me years from now?! You decide!

Now Listening: Stars - Your Ex-Lover Is Dead

Lessons Learned the Hard Way

Last night, I did something really really stupid—boy was my face red.
There is back story. On my old phone, I had only two speed dial numbers programmed. (2) was college boyfriend, and (3) was Home. In some areas in my life, I am incredibly adverse to change. Even after I took college boyfriend off my speed dial, Home remained speed dial number (3).
I got a new phone and figured: new phone, new rhythm, so home became speed dial (2), and then numbers followed from there. When I started calling Harvard more frequently, He was assigned to speed dial number (3).
You can see where this is headed: I don't like change, I'm a complete spaz...So, it's not so much that last night I hit speed dial (3) and called Harvard, but that I spent a full minute on the phone trying to figure out what the heck was going on - why it sounded like no one at my house, that maybe my dad was sick or distracted... Finally, I caught on and came clean,
"Uh...so I was trying to call home. I should take you off of my speed dial right now."
Even though it's not weird to have your boyfriend on speed dial, he never really knew. Even though it's weird to not take your ex-boyfriend off of your speed dial, he didn't have to find out this way.
So, life lesson 5748: Take your ex-boyfriends off of your speed dial IMMEDIATELY.

Slit my wrists to bleed on the canvas

There is an episode of Gilmore Girls where Lane asks Rory to analyze some Rilo Kiley pre-Jenny and Blake breakup and post Jenny and Blake breakup.

It's funny because I think the post-breakup songs are much more poignant and meaningful. The pre-breakup songs are very happy, but something's missing.

Life's a bitch, huh? You've got to go through so much pain to create something beautiful.

A Dozen Movies

Twelve movies I could watch over and over and over again; i.e. my "Top Twelve" (original idea from Matt). They are in no particular order.

1. Gone With The Wind
2. The Royal Tenenbaums
3. The Life Aquatic (With Steve Zissou)
4. Love Actually
5. It's A Wonderful Life [every Christmas, and I generally save it for Christmas, but occasionally pull a viewing in June]
6. I Heart Huckabees
7. Fiddler on the Roof
8. Pretty in Pink
9. March of the Penguins [Shut. up! I love penguins!]
10. Happiness
11. Pride and Prejudice (yes..last year's version)
12. The Princess Bride

Wow. That was hard. What's more is that half of these aren't even in my DVD collection! I have a bad habit of actually watching movies over and over and over again and getting sick of them, thus they do not make this list...Fight Club, Bridget Jones' Diary, &c. This list contains movies I either have yet to tire of, or actually do feel like watching every time they're mentioned.