12 March 2006

I'm done being serious about any of you liars

Jessica and I guest blogged over on Emily's blog today, so you can go over there and check it out -- we mostly wrote about what happened to us this weekend, which saves me from explaining it to you losers here right now.
I hate that I let myself fall in love.
Have you ever been in love? Horrible isn't it? It makes you so vulnerable. It opens your chest and it opens up your heart and it means that someone can get inside you and mess you up. You build up all these defenses, you build up a whole suit of armor, so that nothing can hurt you, then one stupid person, no different from any other stupid person, wanders into your stupid life... You give them a piece of you. They didn't ask for it. They did something dumb one day, like kiss you or smile at you, and then your life isn't your own anymore. Love takes hostages. It gets inside you. It eats you out and leaves you crying in the darkness, so simple a phrase like 'maybe we should be just friends' turns into a glass splinter working its way into your heart. It hurts. Not just in the imagination. Not just in the mind. It's a soul-hurt, a real gets-inside-you-and-rips-you-apart pain. I hate love.
-Neil Gaiman

And I don't know why, but today, I was just really, really sad. I miss the idea of...the thought that...I wanted...and I just don't know myself anymore. And instead of moving past it, I keep it hidden in the dark of my heart. And I keep hoping, but it's not a happy hoping anymore...it's something sadder, something darker, something miserable.

Stupid boy(s).

No comments: