09 April 2006

Look at the way, we've got to hide what we're doing

Yesterday was a long day. A long, fabulous day, but still l o n g. I went over to WILG at 3:00 then from there headed to the yarn store on Newbury street, then to the salon for a pedicure, and finally to dinner and a movie.

I was pretty beat when I got home, but I called college boyfriend because I wanted to talk to him about Thank You For Smoking needed to talk to him. For whatever reason, I needed to hear his voice.

I swear to all that is holy that I did not call for any reason other than that I saw a movie that made me think of college boyfriend, and I wanted to talk (I say this because I asked him a question in the middle of the conversation, and it was a natural segue, but I "got all serious," and apparently it was an intrusive question or something. I also ended up crying.) It was like when you know you want to take a walk, but you wander around aimlessly and get lost and find your way back. That's the type of conversation I felt like I needed last night. My heart was burdened with so many sad things and I needed to release them somewhere.

And then I cried.

Because I got the memo that this is not the type of conversation you have with your ex-boyfriend, but it got lost in the mess on my desk.

I would like to be better, calmer, more collected. The way I know I am when I'm happy. I'm trying so hard, and most days it's okay. But sometimes...sometimes I'm the same person I was at Christmas, and it drives me crazy. It's okay when I can compartmentalize, and breathe, but last night so many other things were happening around me that I just wanted to run screaming out of the theater and keep going until I didn't know who I was, or where I was, or why.

I think of places like LA, San Antonio, St. Louis. I want to be there. I am afraid it will never change. I am afraid that I'll go on like this for so long that it'll become chronic, and I won't ever snap out of it. Just tell me that I won't be like this forever. Tell me there is hope. Tell me I will feel better. Tell me, PLEASE, that one day I'll see him or think of him or speak to him and feel nothing. The best day would be the day I felt happy for him and nothing else.

Now Listening: The Click Five - I Think We're Alone Now
Now Listening: Tommy James&The Shondells - I Think We're Alone Now

1 comment:

Emily said...

One day, a bus driver is on his route when he comes across a delivery man stranded at the side of the road with a broken-down van. The van driver, who works for the zoo, pleads with the bus driver to do him a favor.

He offers him a $100 bill to deliver a truckload of penguins to the zoo. Agreeing, the bus driver proceeds to load two dozen penguins onto his bus. Then, off they drive to the zoo.

An hour later, the van driver gets his van fixed and heads off to the zoo to make sure the penguins were delivered safely. As he's driving down the road, he sees the bus driver with the penguins heading in the opposite direction. He turns his van around, catches up to the bus and frantically motions for the driver to pull over to the side of the road.

"I gave you $100.00 to take these penguins to the zoo.", the van driver says. "Where are you going? The zoo is that way!"

"Calm down," the bus driver says. "I already took the penguins to the zoo. I have money left over, so now I'm taking them to the movies!"