02 June 2006

I don't know where, Confused about how as well, Just know that these things will never change for us at all

There's been so much going on and yet I've been blogging about none of it.

Things aren't going so well on the job front. I know I need to light a fire under my butt, but it's really hard when I've got thoughts of grad school and getting the heck out of Dodge on my mind. I'm done with this. I'm done with the fruitless job search in Boston and the wanting to work places in New York, Chicago, London, and LA, but not being able to do anything about it because I've signed a lease and committed to one more year, and really, the sensible thing to do is wait, anyway. I'm about two steps away from waltzing to Jasmine Sola and inquiring about the Sales Associate Wanted sign in their window, because really, it's just a job. And retail is slightly different from slinging hash -- which I'm not necessarily above at this point in my life, anyway. I'm sick and tired of standing still. I want to move. I want to go places. I want new things, a fresh start, a different life.

I'm sad, because two of my best friends are leaving. It makes me hurt, like it hurt when my other friends left last year. It sucks being unemployed and poor weird guilty about money, because I can't jet off to Barbados or visit Minnesota (and there are other particulars around that, and despite the jealousy-that-isn't-really-jealousy, I'm happy for Alisa that she got to go -- but yeah, I wish I were there, too). I'm looking forward to a trip to the DC area when Alisa's in Barbados, but at this point, it seems that will be necessary since I'll actually be alone. I still can't fathom that. Alone. For real, this time. (Alisa counts, and I love her for it, but...it's not that kind of relationship -- she's not actually my live in heterosexual life partner :)

I'm starting to get that hopeful, girlish feeling again. The stupid one. The one that...well, gosh darn it, the one that makes me ME. So...GD it. I'm going to embrace it because you know what? It makes me happy. The wistful kind of happy that is usually reserved for fifteen-year-old girls who don't know any better. So what? Maybe I don't know any better. Maybe I don't want to. I'll just keep on keeping on, and one day, I'll wake up and it will have been getting better right in front of me, and I just won't have seen it amidst the rubble. And until then, FINE. Why try to go against the nature of my being? It hurts to do that, so I'll just accept myself and move on.

We played Life this week; me, Ben, Alisa, and Jessica. I only had one baby, and Alisa owned a Sex Shoppe. It was fun (as was writing shoppe...Also of note: Alisa won the Peace Prize. Her reasoning is that her store is a way of "bringing people together.")

The Snow Patrol concert was postponed:
And while there's no one to be "angry" with, the words disappointed, bummer, damnit, Jumping Jesus on a pogo stick, and several obscenities have been used to describe my feelings on the situation. Oh, sure, I'll get to go in August, I suppose, but with my concert track record...Let's see what's on the queue this summer: Cowboy Mouth (for a potential third failed attempt), Fiona Apple and Damien Rice, and even Snow Patrol again (*signs the cross and glances at the sky*). Come on, Karma.

Or maybe I'm just building up for some really really awesome, amazing, GOOD STUFF that's about to happen, and keep happening forever, since I'm paying my dues now.

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