Wrapping Up 2006

Wrapping up 2005

1. What did you do in 2006 that you'd never done before?

Lost my job due to budget issues. Not that I'm proud of it or anything, but all the other big stuff I'd done before (moving, getting a new job, buying an ipod...). I guess I also temped for the first time. That's a good thing. And I was commissioned to knit things for people! For monies!

Oh -- and went to and then hosted a Passion Party.

2. Did you keep your new years' resolutions and will you make more for next year?
From last year:

This year I have a few. I want to work out more, eat better, drink more water, and improve my posture. I want to take more pictures and stay more focused at work. Yeah – loads of resolutions.

Well, I did none of those...I did work out more sometimes, but that wasn't consistent. My posture has gotten worse, if that's possible. I probably took more pictures, but I also stopped mid-year. And focus at work? Psh. As if. Yeah. I sucked. At life.

This year, I want to work out more (HA), be a nicer person (at least outwardly), and definitely be more patient (both inside and out). And drink more water.

3. Did anyone close to you give birth?
Nope.

4. Did anyone close to you die?
I count my blessings -- no one did this year.

5. What countries did you visit?
The Midwest

6. What would you like to have in 2006 that you lacked in 2006?
A healthy relationship with myself <----This was there from last year. I thought it was still apt.

7. What date from 2006 will remain etched upon your memory and why?
I can't think of one day in particular. Perhaps Lesley's wedding. Even though that was associated with a flurry of activity in the entire weekend surrounding the wedding.

Maybe December 19th...Or should that be the 17th?

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?
Finding a job that I like -- working with people whose company I genuinely enjoy. And finally being able to accept myself the way I am -- and coming close to being truly happy.

9. What was your biggest failure?
Allowing myself to become depressed when I lost my job.

10. Did you suffer illness or injury?
Not really this year. There were lots of paper cuts. Some busted toenails. But no real injuries.

11. What was the best thing you bought?
I bought my sister some pants that she's been absolutely coveting all year. It was nice to get my sister something that she wanted that my parents would never in a million years get her -- both because I could afford it and because I wanted to make her happy.

12. Whose behavior merited celebration?Anyone at the office who didn't judge me too harshly at one of our parties.

And my sister, for being generally awesome. And for getting into West Point.

13. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed?
Well, it depends on what you mean by appalled. And I was never depressed due to other people's actions. People can't make you feel anything you don't want to feel.

I think if anyone made me feel appalled, it was me, for my own behavior.

14. Where did most of your money go?
Aside from rent and utilities (and my gym membership), I bought a lot of CDs and DVDs this year. And surprisingly less shoes than last year. Okay. That's still a lot of shoes...

15. What did you get really, really, really excited about?
I can't think of any one thing...part of the problem with being mildly depressed for most of the year is that it takes quite a bit to get you excited about anything. And so now I'm starting to get really excited about stuff, but for some reason "my first real date with a boy I actually like a lot" and "OMG, guys, he called me"

16. What song will always remind you of 2006?
Say Goodnight and Go by Imogen Heap

17. Compared to this time last year, are you: happier or sadder?
I suppose that if I'm going to be honest, I'm happier. Last year, even though I still had my grandmother on my mind (in the way that hurts so bad), I was in a relationship I was really excited about. But I was hiding it from people, and other people were mad at me, and I felt like no one really approved (whether or not they did is beside the point). I ended up thinking I was happy, but really feeling like it was all the calm before the storm. And it was. This year I think it's pretty much that I'm mildly happy about life things. I'm pretty happy about the boy situation. And I have a job I like instead of one I'm settling for. I think if anything, it's the calm after last year's storm.

18. What do you wish you'd done more of?
Travel. And relish my happier moments.

19. What do you wish you'd done less of?
I wish that I had spent less time eating and sitting on my ass feeling sorry for myself.

20. How will you be spending Christmas?
With my family, maybe around the tree, opening presents.

21. How will you be spending New Years?
That's a good question.

22. Did you fall in love in 2006?
I didn't, but I think I'm finally ready to accept love in my life again, should it want to find me.

23. How many one-night stands?
None

24. What was your favorite TV program?
The Office, The Brak Show, Aqua Teen Hunger Force, and as always, Futurama.

25. Do you hate anyone now that you didn't hate this time last year?
I try to make it a policy not to hate people. I do dislike some people strongly, but that list is pretty much the same as it was last year.

26. What was the best book you read?
The Time Traveler's Wife, My Sister's Keeper

27. What was your greatest musical discovery?
The Blow, The Raconteurs, and most definitely We Are Scientists.

28. What did you want that you also ended up getting?
Heheheh

29. What did you want that you did not end up getting?
I didn't get an electric guitar or a record player. But I am going to try to snag an acoustic guitar from my parents and steal their record player.

30. What was your favorite film of this year?
Besides Talladega Nights? You mean other movies came out this year?

31. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?I turned 22 -- it seems like ages ago. We went to the Cactus Club for dinner, then hit up Whiskey's, then went clubbing at the Big Sleazy.

32. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?
Finding a job more quickly, and with less weight gain.

33. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2006?
Indie-tastic.

34. What kept you sane?
Not caring much about the outcome of things.

35. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?
Steve Carrell

36. What political issue stirred you the most?
None really stir me all that much.

37. Who did you miss?
My grandmother, always. My friends. Laura, Jessica, Teresa, Lisa, Ben...I miss everyone that made college so special.

38. Who was the best new person you met?
:)

39. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2006.
To just go for it. It can't hurt more than not going for it. Also, to relax -- and stop freaking the fuck out about everything.

40. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year:

The scene is dead but I'm still restless
An hour or so till the last call I guess
I shouldn't even be here much less
Drinking myself into excess
I'm not going home till I'm done

--The Scene is Dead - We Are Scientists

OR (more likely):

i have tried
my hopes have blossomed
and my hopes have fried,
i tried to cut them all down
but i found hopes were still living deep inside

--Fists Up! - The Blow

Why they call it raisin?

I finished reading two books on this trip (so far). The first one was My Sister's Keeper, by Jodi Picoult. I recommend this one -- Emily is the one who originally told me about the book, but I didn't get around to it until I picked up The Tenth Circle at the airport on my trip to Lancaster. Because I loved it so much, I figured I'd give another Jodi Picoult book a shot and I was not disappointed.

I have to rant a little bit about Little Children, though.

Little Children was written by Tom Perrotta, who wrote Election, which I haven't read -- but I've seen the Reese Whitherspoon/Matthew Broderick movie based on that book, and loved it. I heard that Kate Winslet was going to be in this movie (Little Children) and so I implicitly wanted to see it, and by association, read the book. Never having seen a real preview, I couldn't imagine that it wasn't anything but fabulous -- and maybe it is. The book, however, is the worst piece of trash I have ever picked up, and I have picked up some pretty bad books in my life.

Aside from the story line, which was a little bit unbelievable, I had two major peeves with this book. Firstly, the toddlers in this book speak like little retarded children. I know I shouldn't say that, because it's fairly non-PC, but I swear to God. Children only speak as poorly as you teach them to speak. I suppose since on more than one occasion I caught adults in this book using improper grammar ("do good on a test" for instance), I shouldn't be surprised that the toddlers say things like "what you favorite color?" and "why they call it raisin?" Apparently, in Massachusetts suburbs they're raising some little ignoramuses -- Perrotta himself included. (and in no way to suggest anything about any friends I have who grew up in MA suburbs ;)

The second peeve I had was that the sex scenes were just appalling. They were clearly written by a man -- and they were degrading. Sarah was described in excruciating detail, and Todd would fade into the background. I mean come on. It was frustrating at best, and insulting at worst.

I already listed this book on half.com -- and I really hope some sucker buys it from me. Only because I lost the receipt. Because this book is so bad, I'd throw shame to the wind and return it. It sucked that hard.

Wolf Parade

I downloaded a song by Sunset Rubdown recently, with no expectations -- I had no idea what band this was, or what to expect. I've gotten such a deluge of new music lately that I don't even bother to listen to all of it anymore. It became necessary to add the "Date Added" field in iTunes just to figure out, based on which songs haven't been played and/or rated, which I have added to my library without bothering to take a listen.

I recognized the voice immediately, but didn't think it was possible. I guess when your life is music, it shouldn't surprise people when you are in three overlapping Indie bands. And I guess Wolf Parade hasn't released anything since Queen Mary, which has probably left time for side projects.

Anyway, yes. That's Spencer Krug of Wolf Parade and Swan Lake. He's got an awesome voice, in the way that Billy Corgan had an awesome voice -- there's no denying it when you hear it. I happen to love it, but I've heard it's not for everyone. Still -- I think it's sexxy.

I also found a Hot Chip remix of Do The Whirlwind (by Architecture in Helsinki). It's...interesting. I think I'll keep it.

I also don't know what to do with all my free time

Being home has provided me with an extra-special holiday rollercoaster of emotion.

My dad predicted that it would take my sister and me four days to start fighting. In reality it was three days. And instead of my sister, it was my mother. And instead of happening within the safe confines of the house it happened at a crowded Chick-fil-a at the mall. We r awesome.

Anyway, things are better now, and instead of talking about that, I'll talk about the things in El Paso that I fully plan on taking advantage of (Chick-fil-a and Terrazas having been crossed off the list today): Forever 21, Charlotte Russe, Arby's, and Schlotzskys. Well...maybe not Schlotzsky's...

I got to see Peter and Patrick on the 23rd. We watched Talladega Nights, and then flipped through various infomercials. The infomercials with the running O'Brien commentary were as funny as Talladega Nights.

So now I'm just relaxing. I can't believe I took a week off of work. I don't know what to do...with my hands.

I'm not really that cynical, but it writes up well

I am stuck at Logan right now -- flying standby to Denver. Then from Denver to El Paso.

God knows when I'll set foot on El Paso soil, because I'm not entirely convinced I'll be lucky enough to be on the 4 o'clock flight, and assuming that I am, I'm not entirely convinced I'll make any sort of connection to El Paso. I mean...what? My glass is totally half full.

In the meantime, I purchased Internets for the day. $8, which sounds worth it and very reasonable. A girl can't live without her Internet! Hence the blogging.

I don't understand why I can't be routed through some other hub. I don't think it's unreasonable for me to ask, and now I'm feeling rather sheepish about how easily I let the obnoxious tiny woman behind the counter tell me that there were no other options since I've checked my bags. My bags and I...we parted ways. I don't intend to see them for a while -- I've made my peace with that. Now can we please discuss getting me on another plane, woman? This only occurred in my head. Instead I slunk away meekly, deciding that people actually trying to get to Denver should come first. Which is about the dumbest kind of reasoning I've ever come up with, yet.

So the office party last night was fun, aside from some of the topics of conversation, which weren't very fun for me. At least I think this will be the last time those things come up. I wasn't the office drunk this time around, and for that I'm rather proud -- although I did get in trouble for tending bar later in the evening. Well, mildly scolded, at least. There was no bartender, and he had not announced last call! So we grabbed something before they packed up the bar, and I am not ashamed of that. Also, Everyone loved my skirt -- the one I almost didn't wear because I thought the tulle made me look like a five year old in a ballet recital. But I got at least five independent compliments.

Of course, the drinking left me ill equipped to deal with the "your flight was cancelled" crisis. My dad called twice -- having no idea I wasn't sitting sedately at home. I was wondering why the hell I gave the airline my parents' phone number. I think it's just stored on the priceline/expedia server as my primary number, which I guess made sense when I was in college. I was on hold with united forever, until I decided I just couldn't deal with this, and passed out on my futon.

I started calling again at six in the morning, knowing full well that I would probably be booked on a later flight, and possibly that I'd be on standby. I just wanted to sleep in my own bed until I had to leave for the airport. No dice. I had to head to the airport in person to get the bad news. And so here I am, waiting for a plane that will probably leave without me. If it leaves at all.

Story of my life.

The 747's - Rain Kiss

It's raining kisses for you
She has a lot to give
So keep your head up high
And take it as you live

For when the rain falls
And then it shines like this
I fall down at your feet
I fall down at your feet
For this beautiful rain kiss, yeah
Never thought I'd see a day like this
But you know I'll made a promise to be there
When the sun and rain meet unaware

It's raining kisses for you
It lives beneath your feet
It keeps you company
Til the next time we meet

For when the rain falls
And then it shines like this
I fall down at your feet
I fall down at your feet
For this beautiful rain kiss, yeah
Never thought I'd see a day like this
But you know I'll make a promise to be there
When the sun and rain meet unaware

(Doo doo doo doo doo)

OK...Go!

I'm trying to get through the top 50 Music Videos of 2006, doing a video or two a day -- but hopefully finishing before 2006 is over.

Won't you watch with me?

If you gotta go, darling, maybe it's better that way

I have a bruise on my toe. I think I got it back in May, when I dropped a full bottle of horseraddish sauce from the fridge. It hit just at the bottom of my nail, and left a nasty bluish purple spot. It grew a little bit more when the nail grew out, and then it started to grow out with the nail.

Here we are, seven months later, and the bruise has become a part of me. Every time I've looked down at my un-pedicured feet, it has been there -- a new reassuring constant in my life.

It's reached the top of my toe now, and it's starting to grow out.

I'm not saying I want a big nasty bruise on my toe. In fact, it will be kind of cool to look down in about a month and see two perfectly neat, unbruised big toes.

But I can't say that I won't miss my little friend, either.

[Currently Spinning: Ace of Base - Don't Turn Around]

I've been just waiting, and hesitating With this heart of mine

This week has been hellishly busy. I worked crazy hours, but it did not stop me from going out at all (except for Roller Derby -- I missed that because I C-R-A-S-H-E-D, and I crashed Hard on Saturday afternoon).

There was the concert on Thursday, the movie on Friday (followed by hours of asshole, and then a Scrabble game that lasted until five in the morning), and then a lot of little things on Saturday (manicure with Emily and Sam, picking up prescriptions, mailing letters, and things like that). It was so bad that not only did I crash in the afternoon, but I had to convince myself that going over to J and Barrett's to watch UCB was better than laying in bed until a respectable bedtime.

I did finally get rid of the growler that's been in our fridge since Phil and Dave visited. I was a little embarrassed by the fact that the date is stamped in big red numbers on the cap of the bottle. September. Why would I leave beer in my fridge for so long? Anyway, I'm glad that it was adopted by boys who will, invariably, give it a good home.

[Currently Spinning: Peter Salett - Heart of Mine]

We Are Scientists.

Do people who are in a couple realize how hard it is for people who aren't in a couple, sometimes?

I was standing behind a couple at a concert tonight -- they kept...Moving; talking to each other. Getting in my way. In the end, I was less bitter about the fact that they kept flaunting their squishiness than the fact that they were up in my face doing it.

I don't know. It was still an awesome concert. It helps when the lead singer is a HOTTIE. I almost didn't make it. In fact, I had the cab pick me up to take me home. Home, where my bed is. Instead, I went to a concert, where my earplugs weren't.

But spontaneity is where it's at, guys. I'll only be young once, right?

And I Don't Think I've Found the Tempo

Today's headlines are reading like a star-studded version of a depressing Christmas newsletter:

Jennifer Aniston & Vince Vaughn Split
Rachel Bilson & Adam Brody Split
Farrah Fawcett 'Doing Well' After Cancer Treatment

Okay, sure, these are People Magazine online headlines; fine.

Today is still already starting out on the wrong beat.

Like pigeons on my windowsill we hang around

Phil is a fan of "drive-by" Instant Messaging. He'll drop a bomb, or leave an indecipherable message, and then sign off. It's frustrating, but also flattering and amusing.

Apropos of almost nothing, I got this little wonder today, right before he left for a meeting:

"With [good] friends, seeing you emotionally naked is perfectly fine.
physically naked is not.
With dating it's the opposite.
But I guess each subset comprises different things;
and you've gotta find the person you can do both with?
I'll leave you to ponder that"

And so I am now leaving y'all to ponder that. Cos I'm busy.

[Currently Spinning: Joseph Arthur - Honey and the Moon]

Monday Madness - Closing Out the Year

1. I wish people would just think about people other than themselves -- or at least apologize when they don't; it's not always intentional and everyone does it.

2. My biggest pet peeve where other drivers are concerned, is when people cruise in the left lane. It's for passing, not poking it. I'm not really a driver these days, though. Mostly, I hate it when jerks in cars almost hit me, or honk at me when I'm in a G-D crosswalk, or give me ugly looks because I have the right of way. That's just TOO BAD FOR YOU! Move to a less pedestrian-friendly city, jerkface.

3. I will probably spend about 300 on holidays this season, not counting travel.

4. I really hope to know a little bit more about a certain current situation by the end of this calendar year.

5. I make about two big resolutions each year, and keep zero of them, unless it's one like...say, a year or two ago I decided to be more tolerant. I know that I'm not consistently more tolerant, but I do know that since I made that resolution it's been a conscious decision for me to try to be more tolerant every day (or not).

My Genuis Nerdiness is Unappreciated

Yesterday at Emily's, Matt said something about how we were all going to do things just to prove him wrong (he predicted that Emily would be the "one with the most marriages," and that "I would never get married," because sometimes Matt is tactless funny.)

"You'll all contradict my predictions just to prove me wrong, and then you'll lead unhappy lives."
"It'll be like a Tolstoy novel," I said.
"Seriously?" Alisa asked, "You're serious?"

And so the most recent PA comic made me smile a little brighter than usual today:

I'm not really that big a fan of Fleetwood Mac

I went out with college boyfriend last night.

We met at the Asgard for dinner with some drinks, then dinner and a movie. Not feeling feelings is strange, but it was good, and I'm glad that I did this. I will probably never see him again, and I really needed the closure.

Minnesota: Part III

So, Minnesota: Part 3. Better than The Godfather: Part 3, I swear.

Saturday was half day of rest (slash hangover control), half dinner and a movie.

Laura took Lizzie and me to see Happy Feet and then to eat at Chino Latino.

Happy Feet was...amazing. I don't know that it needed to be as funny as we thought it was (Laura told me at the beginning, "Is this going to be penguins singing and dancing for two hours? Because if it is, I'm okay with that.") It took me 3.5 seconds to pull out the "Big...BLUE," and we were, the three of us, laughing at the most INAPPROPRIATE times ("NORMA JEAN!!!!"). The movie was...Very political. That's all I'll say about it. Okay, except that also, there was like an hour and a half of development -- and then about two minutes of resolution -- good for the kiddies, frustrating for me.

Anyway, dinner was amazing. The burrito, not so much, but the tostada and the lo mein were perfect. Lizzie got a blue hawaiian that came with dry ice, and so it was all foggy and luauish...or something. I was impressed, anyway. Then, the dessert. The coconut ice cream. On something. Oh: bananas. OH MY GOD. It was positively orgasmic. Until I found something. A nut. I thought it was a peanut, but Laura told me it was probably a macadamia nut. Whatever it was, it harshed my buzz. But if I'd had a tub and gallons of that ice cream -- you wouldn't have to tell me twice; I'd be bathing in it within minutes.

It was a good night out, and quite a bit of fun. Whenever I look at the magnet(s) I snagged from Chino Latino, I'll become wistful. That is, if I ever put them on my fridge.

Movies Blockbuster Says I Saw in November

The Secret Lives of Dentists - This was a really good movie, except for the weird way he would freak out and...hallucinate? Daydream? I don't think it was misplaced or anything, just that it was weirdly done. The thing is, this movie satisfied my desire for something real, and I think that it did a good job portraying what might happen to somoene in a marriage where one spouse is cheating. David Hurst seemed inhuman to me at first, until I realized that a lot of people are scarily closed off and cold. Four and a half stars. ★★★★

Before Sunset - I liked this movie so much more than the prequel. SO MUCH MORE. Maybe it's because I had a somewhat grudging emotional investment in the characters. I don't know how people feel about spoilers, but I am really glad that they both really wanted to see each other again, but missed each other. I am delighted that nine years later, they still love each other even though Ethan Hawke's character is married. It's so brutal! Four stars. ★★★★

About Schmidt - This was a good movie, but since the theme of the month is my ability or disability to suspend belief, I just felt that the setup was too convenient. Not saying it couldn't happen, I just felt...well, set up. It was kind of cute, though -- especially his toast at his daughter's wedding. Four stars. ★★★★

The Children's Hour - This was such a fantastic movie. I love Audrey Hepburn, and this movie disturbed me so much. I like a good disturbing movie. And man was I angry. I like movies that can make me angry. I do wish that the resolution had been different, but at least there was a release at the end. Four and a half stars. ★★★★

Downfall - I didn't get around to seeing this documentary/film about Hitler's last days. I do want to try to rent it again, but it will have to be of the moment because while I was really excited about it while it was in my queue, I was not thrilled to watch it when it came, or for two weeks after.

Dig! - A documentary about the Dandy Warhols? I am so there. This was both informative and entertaining (well, I guess it wasn't terribly informative, since I already had a basic knowledge of their career, but the Brian Jonestown angle was informative, since I never followed their career). Five stars. ★★★★★

My Neighbor Totoro - It was a cartoon. Anime with english dubbed over? Or English movie drawn anime style? I don't know, I wasn't really paying attention. It was okay. When If I have kids, I'm going to have to have knitting if they want to watch stuff like this, cos I almost poked my eyes out a few times. Two stars. ★★

The Break Up - Okay, fine, this was kind of "realistic" where in the end it kind of happens the way it might in real life. Still, this movie? Not worth peeing my pants over, and not worth obsessively checking the queue because of the "Long wait" I had just because I had two damn dvds out when this came out even though I pre-requested it like three months ago. TWO STARS, Jen! And that's post-pity party about Brad. Make better movies, woman! ★★

Minnesoter Part Duex

On Friday, Laura and I decided to hit the shops in search of "Black Friday" Sales -- Black Friday, which is now to be known as "You're Welcomesgiving Day" (Matt, if that's wrong please correct me in the comments).

We hit Kohls (I miss Kohls -- even though I couldn't find that jacket I really wanted in my size), and then tried a bunch more places to get barware for Laura's apartment, because people were coming over and she didn't have glasses for drinking. Not REAL drinking, anyway.

I showed incredible restraint (because I knew the Mall of America was coming up on Sunday), but I've been more disappointed by Black Friday sales before, so it was not a total loss. Laura took her mother and me to Michael's so I was able to finish my wristlets, and her mother bought me a penguin cup for my penguin pen.

That night, I got to meet some of Laura's high school friends. I finally met "her other" Ben, and also Lizzie -- who I loved. We went to a drag club first, and I wish we could have stayed longer because it was a riot and I was practically sober. Had we been there after I'd had a few drinks, I would probably have been giving some drag queens some dollar bills (which is a drastic change from the last time I was around drag queens and gay strippers, when Aurora got me that lap dance and I was SO EMBARRASSED).

We ended up at this other club, after the group met up with Clint, another one of Laura's friends from high school. The place seemed a little swanky for us (Clint was wearing sneakers, and most of us were in jeans -- except Laura, who was smoking hot in a skirt and lacy top plus ho boots), but there were plenty of opportunities to make fun of the thirty-somethings getting their flirt on (which instantly means I'm either a) going to hell, or b) am destined to be one of the desperate thirty-somethings looking for my future mate one night stand at a bar).

Clint was a riot. I thought I had no filter -- but Clint said everything I was thinking. Everything. Even things I wasn't thinking, but wished I were.

The evening ended at iHop at about 4 in the morning, as all good evenings should.

And I built this balustrade to keep you home, to keep you safe

I don't know how to adequately describe my trip to Minnesota, but I have to start somewhere. I had said in my previous entry that when I left, I was...Very unhappy with my life (maybe I didn't say that. I was very unhappy with my life. There, I said it.)

Fortunately, the night before I left, some things came to a head, and I was able to overcome them, although residual feelings of guilt, sadness, anger, and embarrassment were boarding that plane with me in my carry-on emotional baggage.

By the time I landed in Pittsburgh, I wasn't sure it was the right time to be going on vacation. By the time I got to Chicago, I was distressed that I would be seeing one of my best friends, supposed to be having fun, and was instead feeling like a big sopping wet blanket. By the time I landed in Minneapolis, all of it started to dissipate.

Laura was the best hostess, ever.

I met her [crazy] family -- and her mother's [even MORE crazy] friend(s). I'm glad they didn't tone it down for my sake. Here are some of the things I learned:

Men are like shoes -- and before you get married, you should try on lots and lots of shoes (Laura has already mentioned this, but it came up again). Also, you don't want a pair that does just one thing (you know, like look really cute). You want cross-trainers. I want Really Cute cross trainers.

Also, for some reason, men are like meat. I don't remember that one in it's entirety. Something about stinky meat on driveways versus meat in the fridge...? Anyway...

Thanksgiving was...Spectacular. There was SO MUCH FOOD. I was seriously in a food coma by the end of the evening -- and I didn't even use the big plate. Laura's mom is all kinds of fabulous.

So that was Minnesota, Part I. Don't worry, there's at least a Part II -- it involves less food (but only by a little), and more of Laura's friends.

[Currently Spinning: The Decemberists]

I believe that I can, overcome this and beat everything in the end

So, when I left for Minnesota, I was in a terrible state of mind. (Alternate title: The BMX bike of my life is about to explode)

A funny bit of trivia: Last year, at this exact time, I was listening to L.G.Fuad incessantly. It reminded me of the whole...ordeal thing I was going through, or something. Now, it makes me think of Connecticut. It makes me think about teetering on the verge of utmost happiness -- so much happiness that I thought I might just spontaneously explode in a burst of stardust one day out of pure unadulterated joy. Which is weird because, this song? Is not about utter happiness and delight in life.

I need a change. I need a big momentous change. It needs to rock my world. And I think I can manage that.

Grad school was going to be that change, but it looks like I'm going to wait another year. Until then, I have all this prep stuff I can do, but it's still a bummer that I haven't "figured out my life" yet. Whatever the crap that means. And until then I need to become a better person. I need to be the change that rocks my world. I need to be happy. For me.

Oh, and I finished some wrist warmers this weekend.

Trendy or not, I don't understand wrist warmers. "Not quite mittens, not quite sleeves...but man...hehehe. So to answer your question: I don't know."

Oh, right. Writing about Thanksgiving in Minnesota. I think I gave you enough to digest here for now. Maybe updates about the trip that made me seriously consider moving somewhere in the Midwest (cough: Minnesota) some time later.

[Currently Spinning: Motion City Soundtrack - L.G.Fuad]

Monday Madness - Holiday Edition

1. Which of the holidays that you celebrate, do you feel is the most important?

I feel that birthdays are more important than holidays, although Christmas is very important.

2. Which holiday do you most enjoy?

Christmas through New Year's -- I sort of enjoy the whole season.

3. Is there one holiday that your family tries to get together every year? If so, which one?

Christmas

4. Share one special memory from a past holiday.

The only special memory I can come up with is actually one I'd rather not share. I'll come back to this later.

5. Name one holiday coming up, that you're really looking forward to, and why.

I am looking forward to going home for Christmas. I would be looking forward to Thanksgiving so I could see Laura, but since I'm already in Minnesota...

Monday Madness - Fill in the blanks

1. In order to protect my computer from viruses, I use my faith in Jesus. I should probably back it up with Norton Antivirus, though.
2. I also use adaware and spybot for protection from spyware. But I guess it's not really preventative, since I use it to scan for spyware that's already in my computer.
3. I don't spend nearly enough time flossing.
4. The first person I usually talk to in the morning is myself. Oh, I mean Laura, actually.
5. It takes me about an hour to get ready in the morning. Generally, because I feel the need to watch TV or play with my DS Lite in between actual "getting ready" activities like brushing my teeth.
6. I keep all my appointments in Outlook, making it difficut for me to know what's going on when I'm not at work.
7. It takes me about twenty minutes, maybe to fall asleep at night.

My sister got her official appoinment to West Point today!

That's all :)

Stop Drilling into My Head, Please

Well, today was an eventful day.

I woke up this morning with a headache. Nothing completely out of the ordinary, although I've never had a headache specifically like this before. Nothing else hurts, nothing else is...affected. It's just a pain in the side of my head, and I've been describing it as though my head is in a drill press, which seems kind of accurate. Nothing around the affected area hurts, it's a pinpoint pain, and moving my head or body doesn't affect the intensity of the pain at all. Aside from nausea that I felt earlier today, I didn't feel any of the usual symptoms associated with this kind of pain in my head.

I left work at 3:00.

After I threw up.

That's the only reason I called it quits. That and, it's pretty difficult to concentrate when someone's got a drill to your skull -- I'm just saying.

I came home to find a package from Tokyo Police Club, their CD and a t-shirt. I don't look great in grey. Or in American Apparel tshirts. Fine, whatever. That's my fault. What really pisses me off is that the jewel case of the CD was broken. I mean, honestly, I don't feel like mailing this back, regardless of who pays for it. Yeah, I'll just deal with it, and yeah, that probably means I shouldn't be bitching about it here or anything, but how hard is it to get a CD from point A to point B without breaking it, assholes?

I hate our Postal Service guy/gal. Hate. Among the packages that are just MISSING are a book that I ordered from mighty girl over a month ago, and some yarn I purchased on eBay in August. And that's just stuff I'm aware of. The problem is all of this stuff has confirmation of drop offs. So is someone stealing my packages? It's possible. Is the landlady keeping them, thinking in her senility that she's doing some sort of service? Also possible, but then fuck her son for not noticing and bringing them over because he's not 96 and senile. Is the postal worker not leaving them, and taking them back to the Post Office? That's also possible, but goddamnit, now I have to walk out of my way in the morning, wait in line, and then ask them (I've tried calling, but they're Postal Workers. In other words, they're Completely Fucking Useless. Especially over the phone). The flaw in this is that I think one of my packages was sent via UPS. So what the hell, people?

On the other hand, I left work while it was still daylight, and so Scott recommended I get some good old UV rays in, to ward off the depression. I asked if I should hike up my pants to expose the backs of my knees (according to Scott, who is some sort of medical expert (JOKE), shining a flashlight on the back of your knees during the winter helps ward of S.A.D. I didn't bother to check up on this, since I was too busy laughing. And S.A.D. is serious business, folks. You don't laugh about S.A.D.)

I'm going back to bed. Why am I even still awake? Oh right, because I slept for four hours already today.

Maybe Coffee Will Help

I keep hovering over a posting page, with...so much to say, and yet nothing at all to say. This has been going on every day for a long time, now.

I'm knitting a hat. It's like the hat that won't end. Perhaps because I knit a row or two at night most nights, and I'm used to big blocks of knitting, and then obsessive knitting on the T. I'm also not sure how it'll turn out because I'm just going on the fly. There are some cables at the brim, and then I stopped with the cables for a while, and after some increases to make the hat...jauntier, I started with cables again, but smaller ones.

It could be really cool. Or really horrible. I also haven't decided if it will be a gift or not.

Since I started this entry, I have lost all of my steam...so it's time to go to work. And have some coffee.

I kind of want to try men's deodorant because it smells fresh and clean. Not like a baby's butt. Is that weird?

I think I want to switch deodorants.

Yes, hi. I don't update for a long time and then BAM! We're talking personal hygiene. But seriously.

I do not like smelling things. I don't like the way people smell on the T (yes, even you, who practically bathed in perfume this morning because you think it makes you smell "nice." You're the worst of them all. I hate you the most). It's gotten pretty bad these days. I have gotten to the point where I don't like my laundry detergent, which is some innocuous brand of "all" that barely has an odor. And I use very little of it in my wash. And still. For days, nay -- weeks after my laundry is done all of it smells like...Laundry. Bleh.

And I'm not saying I like the smell of stanky clothes, either, I'm just saying I don't want them to have a smell. I don't want them to smell like lavender. Or soap. Or sweat. I don't want to be able to smell my clothes. Period.

I haven't found a happy medium yet. Because this is kind of like the shower issue. I shower every day. But some days? Some days it's like I can feel myself dragging my inner lazy bum, kicking and screaming, into the shower, and God, it's painful, and I hate every moment of it. And afterwards, I have to spend several minutes lotioning my entire body because I've got a severe lotion addiction, and my skin actually needs artificial moisturizer and it's my fault. And then I'm just going to have to shower again tomorrow! It's so ridiculous! Why with all the showering?!?

My current solution to the laundry issue? Buying new clothes. Yeah, they smell like the store. Yes, five dozen other girls probably tried on that very blouse. But you know what? At least the store smells like new clothes. And that's a smell that currently isn't annoying the hell out of me. Briar:one, Universe:fifty-seven.

Movies Blockbuster Says I Saw in October

Everything You Always Wanted to Know About Sex, But Were Afraid to Ask - I have a confession to make. Aside from Match Point and Everyone Says I Love You (which I didn't love, but I enjoyed it enough to watch it twice. Maybe because of Edward Norton), I am just not a Woody Allen Fan. This movie was a bunch of sketches that I felt like I had seen before (and maybe I had -- that's how much it stuck), and I mostly watched it to wait for the Gene Wilder sketch, which was really really cute. Well, as cute as bestiality can be. Overall, it's kind of like Airplane. I didn't really want to see it. After I saw it, I wasn't raving about it. I would, however, recommend it because it's funny. I just wouldn't buy it and lend it to people to get them to watch it. Three stars. ★★★

The Office Season One - I decided to catch up on the American version of the Office so I could watch the new ones on Thursday nights, even though I've sort of accidentally stopped watching TV in the past few weeks. I even missed Grey's Anatomy this week (gasp!). So, you know...Anyway, this is a great show, if you haven't already heard (and yes, I like the British version "more," but mostly I like whichever one I'm watching more than whichever one I'm not watching) so...Five stars! ★★★★★

She's The Man - I'm not saying I'm proud of it, but in the interest of full disclosure, yes, I rented this movie. There was legitimate motivation behind this. Laura tells me it is actually a remake of a not so terrible movie. And I kind of like Amanda Bynes. She's cute, I want to feed her a sandwich. Or twelve. It also took me the full hour and a half or however long this movie was to finally concede, "Okay, maybe the lead boys are a little cute." And honestly -- at least if a movie's going to be terrible, and you know your market is 12-15 year old girls (otherwise known as me and Laura), GET SOME PRETTY ACTORS! One star, and that's just because I'm too nice to give zero stars. ★

The Office Season Two - Again, I just rented this to catch up. It slowed down my movie renting, but it was worth it. I can't say much more, but the second season is way better than the first. Especially for any of those who think that since the first seson's first few episodes go by the UK version verbatim, since the story line really starts to diverge in the US version by season two (I think. Sometimes when people have accents or "don't," I'm really dense about things). Five stars. ★★★★★

The Deer Hunter - I may have had to wait about a week and a half to watch this movie, because I knew it was going to be sad, and I knew that I did not have the mental energy to do it. When I finally watched it, I have to admit that while I found it good, and man Christopher Walken...man...this movie goes on the list of movies I liked, but would never rent for myself. I don't even know who/what list/what website told me that I HAD TO see this movie, but that was my only motivation, and it was obvious when I sat down to watch it. Now that I have seen it, I'm glad, and it was good, and people should see it, but again, I don't know that it's something I'll ever push on someone. Four stars. ★★★★

Say Anything - Now this movie is more my speed. I think Say Anything was the last and only movie from the '80s that I hadn't ever actually seen! Even movies that I think I hadn't seen turned out to be movies that I had watched on TV when I was younger, but I really didn't remember any of Say Anything, so I'm convinced I finally found it. I loved this movie, it was really very cute -- but for different reasons would never FORCE, with threat of bodily harm, anyone to watch this movie. It's up there with Pretty in Pink, although this one probably won't find its way into my DVD collection. Three and a half stars. ★★★

Something New - Maybe it was the unwarranted crying fit I had towards the end (where "normal" Briar would have cried a little bit and thought "aw, how sweet," but unhinged Briar started sobbing uncontrollably, and would have paused the movie if I had wanted to watch it out of anything but a sense of responsibility to finish the last ten minutes). This movie was either seriously bad, or I was in the wrong mood to watch it. I think it was a little bit of both, because the movie probably wasn't as bad as I thought it was, but it was probably only as good as I thought it would be when I saw previews. It's just been in my recommendations for so long, I thought renting it would get it out of there. Two stars. ★★

I also physically rented two movies, but I can't remember what one of them was.

Junebug - This movie was as good as everyone tells me it was, but I wasn't in the mood to deal with the futility. The end was just...Aside from the scene in the hospital, I suppose. Anyway, it was a really good movie, and I'm going to go right ahead and jump on that and say, "Yes, why haven't you seen this movie yet?" (I had a reason. It was stupid, but I had it. But now I've finally seen it so what's your excuse?) Four and a half stars. ★★★★

Happy Halloween!

We carved pumpkins at work yesterday. There were four teams while I was there (I left early to see my orthodontic surgeon. More on that later): Valerie and me, Marketing and Neil, The Engineers, and Scott (Scott was his own team, as far as I know).

Everyone was to vote for the winning pumpkin today. I think that the engineers, given that there were a million of them (four), rigged the votes. Because Valerie and I were robbed.

It makes me sick.

Monday Madness - Reader Participation III

Small town or big city?

I am from a medium sized city that masquerades as a small town, and now live in a big city that has small town charm (also, takes up probably about a quarter of the space as my old "big city"). I think I could survive in either, but I prefer bigger cities.

Do you have a favorite childhood memory, and if so, would you share it?

I don't have one at the moment. But it's a good prompt for a later entry of mine!

How do you calm down when something has really upset and/or angered you? Do you swallow it? Call a friend and rant? Go in the bathroom and cry? Punch a wall? Walk around muttering to yourself, complete with scary hand gestures?

I pretty much do all of those. Well, maybe not the swallow it one. I will rant to anyone who will listen, I usually cry, sometimes I throw things (I don't know that I've ever punched a wall. Pillows, yes.), I do mutter to myself, sometimes, too -- but when I'm really angry, muttering doesn't cut it -- there must be SCREAMING.

What attracts you to memes?

I only do this one, because I feel like I'm part of the community, even though I rarely comment on other people's blogs (but I do read them, y'all!). I don't do others, because mostly, I think I should be original enough and intelligent enough to write about things without prompts. (I'm not)

How reliant are you on computers to get through your day?

110%. No, like, a thousand percent. One million percent.

In a crisis, are you calm or do you panic?

I can panic like the best of them. Complete with hysteria, crying, and fetal positioning.

I swear, I'd burn down the city to show you the light

I walked home from Porter Square tonight, instead of Davis, because I felt like walking a little bit, and an overwhelming sense of sadness came over me, suddenly. I guess it only "lasted" for about two blocks, but it hit me hard and strong and it took me by surprise because it's been so long since I've felt this way.

I don't have any explanations. I have a full life. I'm happy, for the first time in years. I may be a little bit boring, I may not travel as much as I'd like to, but I'm happy. I have friends who love me, and more importantly, I have friends who I love. There are people in my life who are so important to me, I am not kidding when I say I would die for them.

So why was I hit with waves of unanswerable sadness today? Why, after so long, did I suddenly feel so lonely?

I don't let people in and then I'm frustrated that they seem distant. I don't want to feel like this. I don't want to be someone who needs someone, or even someone who wants someone. I want to be happy in solitude, not burdened with loneliness.

But sometimes what I really want is just for someone to hold me while I fall asleep, and wake up in my bed beside me. Not enough to...to what? Not enough to let people in?

I don't even know, anymore.

Looking for someone to trust

I have to say that I am a big fan of the way iTunes categorizes music in the "iTunes music" folder. I like to watch it. I like to throw music in there and click on it and open iTunes and then see a new folder appear. And watch all of the information pop up. It's like the most serious kind of magic, and it's absolutely mesmerising.

It wasn't always this way. Maybe even for years (how long have I had iTunes now?), I threw my music into the "my music" folder, and was irate when iTunes tried to override that and "organize" my music for me. I mean, really. How dare this computer presume to know more than me about how my music should be categorized?

However, my collection of music is growing at an almost alarming rate, and having all of my thousands of songs in one folder is kind of cumbersome. Besides, when I rip CDs onto my computer, they're already subject to iTunes strict regime of music categorization. Nazis.

So, imagine my surprise when I installed iTunes at work, and it just automatically did everything for me, but I started to like it. Or maybe I was just too tired to resist. I had downloaded some music at purevolume.com. It came in a standard mp3 file format from teh internet. You know, underscores...Poorly titled, etc. I threw it into the iTunes music folder and it disappeared. I was livid. What the hell had happened to this file? But when I went to iTunes, there it was, with the album information and everything. I am a convert.

I didn't think I could talk about iTunes for so many paragraphs, but here I am, still talkin' about iTunes.

Anyway, speaking of iTunes, I was listening to the only Joseph Arthur song I have right now, and you know how sometimes you can have a song in your playlist, and you've heard it a hundred times before, but it ends up...I don't know...Finally catching at some point? Maybe you can finally relate it to something in your life, or you just hear it differently, or you finally listen to the words or something? That happened right now. I always liked the song because of the lyric "Like pigeons on my windowsill we hang around," but this time the rest of the song made me cry. Maybe I'm just tired?

I sincerely doubt it.

[Currently Spinning: Joseph Arthur - Honey and the Moon]

Without running the risk of anything real

Um...wow. *Kicks ground with toe*

So, I haven't been around in a while; again.

Lots of things have happened, though, which is perhaps why I haven't been around.

The biggest news these days is that I finally bought a DS Lite, which was one of the more embarrassing situations I've been in recently, but in a funny way that makes me wish my life were a TV sitcom.

See, I stood in line for a while, which allowed me to fully absorb and appreciate the fact that I was standing in line with a bunch of guys whose avid hobby lifestyle it is to play videogames, and they seemed completely natural in that line. Me? I was a little nervous and felt out of place, asking for a "pink DS Lite, please." I kept playing it in my head to try to get it right, and prayed a little bit that I was going about the whole thing correctly (like, there weren't any actual cartridge packs up front, so I assumed I needed to ask, like in a video store, but I didn't realy know, you know?) Anyway, I marched right up to the counter, having decided that "this is for my sister. For her birthday. I'm too old for this or something, so I'll ask about a D..S...Lite? Like someone asked me for this, and I have no idea what a DS...Lite is, and it comes in pink, maybe?" Which is where, I think, I went wrong. Especially in execution. I sort of mumbled, "d'you guys have any pink DS Lites left?" The gamer girl ringing me up said, "Sure," and got up to grab one for me, but while she was a few feet away, before I could stop myself, I blurted out, (in what was probably a quiet voice, but it sounded alarmingly loud in my head), "And the SPECIAL edition of Nintendogs? With the dalmatians and friends?... ...please?"

By the time I left the store, I was warm and tingly with the feeling of JUDGEMENT....everywhere. Not just from gamer girl and all the boys in there who overheard, but by myself, too.

So, anyway, I'm trying to get Mario Kart DS on eBay to avoid instances like this in the future.

And maybe I'll try to update this thing more.

[Currently Spinning: The Lemonheads - No Backbone]

In Other Words...Watch Yo'self for the next...oh 3-5 days

Did I mention that I am in a FOUL MOOD?

And that J.D. Salinger is only helping when the pages are open?

And that I want the chocolate? And the caffeine? Intravenously (maybe not the chocolate)? And also, SNACKS!?

Yep.

[Currently Spinning: Animal Collective - Grass]

Ben Lee - Begin

I'm walking down broadway
Each foot step is a new love letter
I'm trying to make eye contact
With each and every stranger that I pass
Thinking about the city
It's living proof people need to be together
I'm thinking about how I just want to open up
And give and give and give
And it's ok for you to care
Cause I can feel you in the air
And while you wonder "how's this gonna end?"
I only want it to begin

I'm thinking about desire
I've had to learn how to sin successfully
I'm thinking about bliss
And bliss is all dressed up
And there's no one to dance with
Remembering her smile and the nuclear bomb
And the reasons I loved her
Walking through Central Park
I'm in a foriegn country and I'm waiting for a sign
That it's ok for you to care
Cause I'm not going anywhere
And while you wonder if you should let me in
I only want it to begin

I'm still singing
Twisting new melodies, breaking arrangements
Thinking about my heart
I guess you've heard, sometimes it's heavy
But I just keep moving
When I hit a wall, I look up at the sky
I'm thinking about my maker
In spite of all this I know she won't give up on me
And its ok for you to care
Cause I can taste you everywhere
While it's true
All straight things must bend
I only want it to begin

I only want it to begin

Dreams

I had two dreams last night; I can't tell if they were the same dream or not, but what I remember is this:

I found a bin of Polaroid cameras and film at some store. It was just this huge bargain bin of cameras and film all thrown in together. I found a camera that I really wanted, but couldn't find the film that it took. The more I looked through the bins, the more there seemed to be to look through. It was exhausting.

Later, I tried cutting my own hair. I just wanted a trim, but for some reason couldn't wait until my hair appointment the next day. I've been trying to grow my hair out, but I hacked it off to just above my shoulders and since it was all uneven, it would have to be much shorter when it was fixed.

I must have had some strange food in between the hours of 1:00 and 3:00 in the morning...

The time will come to ditch the glamour and learn how to handle a gun

I'm sorry. I haven't been updating. I have my reasons, and I've been talking...to Laura, to my mom. It's hard to articulate the things that are consuming my thoughts right now. I read somewhere once that yes, [this blog] is a "window into my life, but I'm not exactly handing out telescopes." That's kind of how I feel right now. I don't know when I'll next feel like exposing any raw nerves of emotion, so in the meantime here are some thoughts to tide us over:

I feel so badly for T.R. Knight right now; being outed by an arrogant, selfish co-star. What the hell, people? How can a person exist who is so small, and so ugly inside, that they would say something like that? Even if it wasn't spoken with the venom that is being insinuated in the tabloids, it was still cruel. I love Dr. Burke; his character is one of my favorites on Grey's. But a) I like George more. You mess with Georgie and we have a problem, and b) I have trouble separating Isaiah Washington the prick with this fictional character he plays on the TV. Last night I sat there fuming for a while before I could just enjoy the show. He might get kicked off, which would be strange given the development between him and Cristina lately, and it would be sad, but there should be SEVERE repercussions for saying things like that when you're a celebrity who has a responsibility to the public eye.

Continuing the previous entry: I said something to my mom about someone I know who has tattoos. I do this on purpose sometimes. Because I have an itch inside that needs to be scratched. The "This would really set my mom off" itch. Last night, it wasn't so much about the itch as it was to prove an actual point about this person. I mentioned the tattoos, and she continued the conversation as though the word tattoo had never been uttered. Then, it took her a good twenty minutes to say, "And you know how I feel about self-mutilation," referring to a nurse she'd seen with a tounge piercing, (to which I almost said, "wow, I'll bet he's...you know.") "I mean, piercings...tattoos," she continued "...I just don't understand." And then we dropped it. And it was...SURREAL, but in a good way. She just doesn't understand -- no unnecessary judgement. Cool.

I had like a million other things to talk about, but as the day has worn on, my mood has grown darker and more foul.

On the plus side, T-baby is going to be in town this weekend. I heart Teresa, and I've missed her face with all my face -- just like I miss all of your faces when you're in Minnesota/The SOUTH/The J-pan/Chandler/Chi-town, and any other places my friends have been scattered.

[Currently Spinning: Ima Robot - Pouring Pain]

Always a crowd pleaser

My mom, in an effort to improve our relationship, has been saying supportive things lately that I have to admit, make me chuckle inside. Sometimes outside, too.

I appreciate it, I do -- because she's being thoughtful of how her own decisions shouldn't necissarily be used as an example of what I should and should not do, since we chose very different paths in life.

Today, for instance, she said something about getting married. And then she back tracked and said, "Not that I'm insinuating in any way that you should be thinking about marriage. Now. Or ever, for that matter. I'm happy that you're single. Unless you don't want to be."

I also got to talk to my dad about his post-retirement plans. Apparently he's still considering making the coffin (you know. his coffin), and using it as an end of the bed chest until he...uh retires forever. But he's taller than the bed is wide. You do the math.

Okay, Lesson Learned

Going to the gym + a small bowl of cous cous for dinner + a martini and two beers = Bad Idea.

Words of the Day

audacity

Main Entry: au.dac.i.ty
Function: noun
1 : the quality or state of being audacious : as a : intrepid boldness b : bold or arrogant disregard of normal restraints c : blatant indifference for the state of one's testicles [a friends ex had the audacity to even be on the same subway train as me, then, stood behind me when we both got off at the same stop, but completely ignored me and the fact that I glared at him from Central Square all the way to Davis]

restraint

Main Entry: re.straint
Function: noun
1 : a control over the expression of one's emotions or thoughts. [I showed incredible restraint by not turning around and kicking him in the nuts.]

Brought to you by the letters A and R, and the council for If You Hurt My Friends I Will Cut You.

I'm kind of a big deal

Today, I reached the epitome of cool.

I left work and (wait for it) went to the gym. I tried to do a 5K, but frankly, if I can't get it down to under 35 minutes I'm not interested, so I did just under 3 miles. I lifted weights, then I came home. I don't know what I was planning, but I figured it would be somewhat exciting. Then, on the way home, I passed Brooke's. I thought about the q-tips I needed. And while I was there, I got a new toothbrush. And some paper towels. Oh, and I wanted to try that whitening Listerine. And then I remembered some medication I needed.

I seriously got to the checkout and started laughing. Here were these two guys behind me buying some snacks...and the girls in front of me buying some other non-household crap. And I was doing the most boring shopping known to man...on a Friday night.

I came home just in time for Grey's Anatomy, which I missed last night. Sounds like my night is planned, then.

Like I said -- I'm pretty much the coolest person you know.

Shut Up, I'm Clever. Even If I Haven't Had My Caffeine Yet

Well, Starbucks gift card, we've had a good run. It's been fun, and now I am more addicted than I was before, if that's even possible.

Thanks a latte.

Daily Horoscope for October 12, 2006

Yes, things have been a blur lately -- but since your emotions are finally starting to slow down, your physical self should, too. Relaxation and comfort are more important than speed. Ease off the gas pedal and take the meandering road to your destination. Shortcuts will only frustrate you. Besides, following the scenic route is always more fun. There is no rush, no matter what deadlines you may be facing. You have much more time than you think.

(I'm a Capricorn)

[Currently Spinning: The Decemberists - The Crane Wife]

National Novel Writing Month

Evidently I am extremely charming.

This is news to me since just the other day I was confiding in a co-worker about the screaming inside my head that is my social anxiety. I guess I just tend to blow things way out of proportion up there, which [come to think of it] has been a pretty common theme in my life.

But anyway. I've decided that I'm going to participate in Nanowrimo this year. I say this every year (and I do things like this a lot. Case(s) in point: Paper cranes? The whole "I'm going to carry my Polaroid camera everywhere" idea? Yeah. A lot), but this year I am going to doit! I still don't have a subject, or characters, or even that one pivotal point around which the whole story revolves but I have a few weeks to think about these things. And no, I will not be posting it online. Ever. You'll just have to believe me. (Or get me very very drunk, after which I'll probably show it off/talk about it incessantly)

So that's my news. I'm going to wake up on the good side of the bed tomorrow. Although that's more of an order than a promise.

I've been caught in between all you wish for and all you need

Sometimes when it rains, it freakin' pours. That's all I'm saying.

[Currently Spinning: Michael Stipe - In The Sun]

Down in your arms, your arms, I am a wild creature

The impermeable sadness that I'm feeling today is making me want to cry about everything. Every time I turn a corner I'm afraid I'll burst into tears. I didn't want to eat breakfast, so I cried. Laura's gone, I burst into tears. I forgot my lunch...I started sobbing. My mood is being punctuated by tiny swells of "everything's going to be fine. get it together," but I feel like I'm waiting for the bottom to drop out, and I'm scared because I'm not feeling much of anything these days, but when I do get overwhelming feelings of emotion, they're like this. Or do I just feel that way today? (I don't feel like I need to add that this is the worst day ever to feel this way)

Is it sad that I don't think I know how to be anything but numb these days? I feel like I should be happy, but when I know I should be happy I'm manic because it's forced.

I don't know if this makes any sense to anyone but myself. Or why I compulsively document these feelings when I let the beautiful joyous ones pass by without so much as a second thought.

That's the foundation I'm working with today.

I found shoes in my closet that I had forgotten I had, which either means that I have too many shoes, or I'm losing my memory. I want to go with the latter because I'm still uncertain that the former is even possible.

[Currently Spinning: The Mountain Goats - Broom People]

Happy Birthday, Alisa!

Sometimes I have the weirdest dreams. Like when I dream that my bloglines menu for some category won't collapse. I only had two blogs in that category, but I was so frustrated that it would not collapse. How mundane and life like. If only my dreams were exciting things that I couldn't do in real life, thrilling things like jumping from airplanes or falling in love.

Anyway, I promised pictures, and so pictures I will deliver:

We went to iHop for Alisa's birthday. Thank goodness there were only three of us, because a fourth person wouldn't have had room for food on the table. We ordered an appetizer because we were already hungry (hey -- it takes an hour to get out there).

After the salty appetizer, we had our three types of french toast (stuffed, caramel with banana, and cinnamon swirl). I had my biscuits and gravy. Alisa finished...well, I haven't checked the time stamps, but it was fast. Basically, I blinked and Alisa had finished her meal:

Many minutes later, Laura and I followed suit.

Then, we came home and Alisa tried to eat her birthday cake. She had told us when she bought it that this was for her, and we weren't allowed to help. After Dim Sum and IHOP this weekend, she rethought that. She let us help. We still didn't get very far.

Happy Birthay Alisa! (Whose "thing" is that she doesn't read blogs, so she'll never see this, but Laura can tell her)

"In These Shoes? I Don't Think So"

Two horrifying things happened to me today:

First, I found out that I had to sell my Jenny Lewis ticket (I'm still going to try to go if I can't sell it, but my love for Laura >>> my love for Jenny Lewis and those Watson Twins). Still, it was my big swooping sign of emotional independence -- going to this concert alone; or at least thinking about it, so it's hard to let it go. And sad.

Then, I found out that the Goo Goo Dolls will be at the Orpheum on December 1st. I tried to buy two tickets (for me and Alisa), and they were SOLD OUT. What the HELL, Ticketmaster?! Given the concerts I've bought tickets to before, and the other crap with which you flood my inbox, why would you not assume to alert me when the Goo Goo Dolls were in town?! Especially given all that inconvenient spam you send. JERKS!

Also, I read at pop candy that Joss Whedon confirmed what was already assumed; there will be no sequel to Serenity.

Anyway, that was my bad news for the day. Sometime soon, I'm going to have a picture-iffic post from Alisa's birthday. Actually, it's kind of gross when I think about it (if by gross, I mean awesome, which I do).

[Currently Spinning: In These Shoes? by Kristy MacColl]

The one in which she talks about bacon. A lot.

Laura is here for the weekend!

I'm listening to The Decemberists' new album right now, and it's very good. Very mild, melodic...I don't know if I can deal with the 11 and 12 minute songs right now, though.

I am going to see Benji tonight. I mean the So You Think You Can Dance tour. I am so FLIPPING EXCITED. Except mostly I'm really tired and don't feel like showering. We're going to CPK first. I can never choose between the bacon on the california club pizza, or the chile on the carne asada pizza. It's a hard knock life.

Since this post is already ill-formatted and rambling, I thought I would take this time to document the topics of conversation last night that, honestly...how can people spend so much time talking about:

Bacon. Why we love bacon, how awesome bacon is, and how twenty pieces of bacon is not enough.

Lord of the Rings. Gimley. The Easter Egg on the third DVD. Big. Blue.

And yeah, we talked about other things, but both of these topics came up more than once, and especially with the bacon, lasted a long time.

You know why? Because we're awesome. Also, we may have scared Scott.

Yatta!

Remember this? I actually prefer this version to the Irrational Exuberance animation. To each his own, I guess.

(Also, I don't know why anyone would care, or why this is important -- I guess I'm hoping she still reads my blog, and I don't want to "take credit" for thinking about posting this -- but "yellowninja" posted something about this on her blog today, which is why I tried to find the video. This used to keep me awake in studio, but it never occurred to me to translate it; she claims it's funnier that way)

WWLGD

Luke and Lorelai's relationship seems to have been obliterated.

Along with the dialoge and witty banter of the show.

Can anyone tell me what happened to the pop culture references? Surely, they can hire one person who is up on things now that they've let go of Amy Sherman Palladino and her husband (think of the $cash$ they're saving)? Maybe if they tried to at the very least hide behind a mask of hipness, they could convince us that the SLOOOOOOOWness between Lorelai and Rory is imagined. Or that the incredible predictability is just a product of our being So Smart (S-M-R-T).

Also, what about ME? I have this whole secret life that is based on a STRONG foundation of Gilmoreisms and Gilmore concepts. WWLGD?!

Rilo Kiley, A Star is Born, Grey Gardens, the Roomba that I've always wanted! All of these things, Gilmore! Sure, some ideas didn't pan out so well (The Way We Were? I also blame SATC for that one, or -- well, even A Star is Born. Failed, but still culturally valid, and I never regretted them).

Tuesday used to be the day I LIVED for. Now, I think it will be the new day I cry my eyes out.

If only I could stay awake for Nip/Tuck. It may be a really horrible show, but at least it's consistent. And vulgar. If you can't have rapid-fire pop culture, at least you can have vulgarity.

My Dad Used To Think It Was Funny. That's Why I'm So Scared Of Bugs.

I am now accepting applications for the position of boyfriend.

Duties include taking the gross bug out of my shower, and will include removal of future gross bugs/vermin from my proximity (bringing it anywhere near me to 'tease me' is grounds for instant termination).

Benefits include making out with me, with the possibility of a bonus after an evaluation period, where you may be subject to random tests and meeting my friends.

Where do you go when you're in love and the world knows?

Laura is going to tease me mercilessly for this...but I finally got my shipment from BMG today (I had totally forgotten about it! So...even though I may have started making a list, with a little help from Mojo, for after the CD ban ends -- NO, I will not go crazy when it's over...no...Now I have time to preview, maybe download...and possibly find friends who are willing to supplement my addiction -- I will not need to buy music for a while!)

These are seven of the CDs that have been on my list for a while that I found on BMG. Part of the problem was that a lot of the CDs that are on my list now (The Mountain Goats, The Decemberists, Stars, The Walkmen...) aren't available on BMG, which explains the array. First of all...the Fray? I'm sorry. I really am. I mean, I have most of the songs downloaded, and I would never have paid cash money for it, but I really really needed a seventh CD. I actually ended up with Shakira for the same reason once. Anyway, my Dandy Warhols collection is now more soundly rounded out, lacking only their debut album and some b-sides. And Sigur Ros was really hard to download. Something about the language barrier and me being stupid. Then, I swore I'd buy the OK GO CD after this video made my heart throb (and if you're into legos, go here). Morningwood, well...that was just for fun. After previewing it, I figured why not? And shutupyou about the Sondre Lerche. I like his music.

So that's my news for today. If you'll excuse me, I'll be ripping into some CDs now.

[Currently Spinning: Tegan and Sara - Where Does The Good Go?]

Because I've Read Your Horoscope, And Now I've Given Up All Hope

I already want to buy a new CD. I don't even have one in mind.

I just thought I'd let you know.

It's going to be a long month.

[Currently Spinning: The Magnetic Fields - I Don't Really Love You Anymore]

I had a dream and you were in it / The blue of your eyes was Infinite / You seemed to be / in love with me / Which isn't very realistic

I'm going to need a music patch. I vowed to Laura (and am now documenting it here so NO CHEATING) that I will not buy any more CDs for a month. I think I should extend that to include DVDs...what with the whole going to Minnesota for Thanksgiving thing.

Thanks to Steve's AWESOME podcast, and also free swag via last.fm banners, I have, in the past twenty-four hours purchased The Magenetic Fields' i, and The Decemberistis' Crane Wife. It's a sickness you guys. Just last week I HAD TO pick up the Lemonheads' new self-titled album, and while I was there I saw the Libertines and thought, "Why not?"

So. There you have it. Thank goodness Matt said he'd authorize my computer with his iTunes account so I will have some Ben Kweller to hold me over! (Which spawned the conversation that's been my away message for the past day, which is "He said he'd authorize my computer if I wanted / I said that sounded kinky / But I liked it." "It was kinky / Very kinky."

Anyway.

Things have been...interesting. I'm feeling a lot better about some things. I'm feeling more nervous about others. Grad school applications are due SO SOON, and I've only hashed out one half-baked plan involving Chicago, and thus IIT. I don't even know if I want to go there. Does that mean I should just move to Chicago for the bloody hell of it? I mean...why not?

Then there are studio projects I need to...revamp for my portfolio -- which is what I'm really nervous about. The applications, tedious as they are, and the GREs (uh...FUCK)...all of that is just static. I can do that, no problem. It's the portfolio that makes my stomach all knotty.

Still more, I'm very confused about some things in my personal life right now. Basically, it boils down to my being lazy, apathetic, or SCARED. Lazy isn't really an option in this case, because I'm not avoiding anything because I'm tired or bored. I don't think it's apathy, and if it is, it's only because I'm so guarded with my heart these days (thanks). That leaves scared, which I think is fair, given the history involved.

So what now? That's not up to me. I've decided I'm taking a completely passive stance on this one. And if that means that nothing ever happens, then que será.

[Currently Spinning: The Magnetic Fields - I Don't Believe You]

Monday Madness - Participant Questions

1. From amanda f:
What do you do when somebody complements you?
a. Smile and say Thanks
b. Ignore it and change the subject
c. Complement them back
d. Turn red in embarrasment at the attention and look around to see other people's reaction
e. Take it as your due!

When someone finally complements me, I will marry him. Or, if it's one of my friends, I will hang on no matter what. But I think you really want to know what happens when someone compliments me. Well, when that happens, I blush wildly, stammer something embarrassing, and blush some more, so (d)

2. From shelly:
What color are your eyes?

Brown

3. From kia:
What do you like most about yourself?

My quick wit, sharp mind, and my boobs.

4. From julie:
How do you spend Christmas?

With my family.

5. From wide imagination:
When do you normally blog? Day or night?

A little bit of both.

6. From rach:
What song can you relate to your personal life? Share a line or two of that song.

There are too many to count. I usually post lyrics as titles that reflect my mood with a reference to the song in my currently spinning byline.

7. From sherle:
What is your favorite color for a sleeping environment?

I haven't thought about it. I guess something soothing, like blue or a pale yellow. Maybe a lavendar color?

Movies Blockbuster Says I Saw in September

Just Like Heaven - I am so in love with Reese Witherspoon. And John Heder. That didn't make this movie any more than okay, but I enjoyed it. I wouldn't recommend it, but that's because I like movies like this when other people don't tend to want to rent them (by that I mostly mean Alisa). Two and a half stars. ★★
The Producers - I feel just awful about this, but I really prefer the Matthew Broderick and Nathan Lane version. However, being a big Gene Wilder fan, I do have to admit that as much as I loved Matthew Broderick as Leo Bloom, I really enjoyed Gene Wilder in the same role. I know I'm talking about it like it's backwards, but that's the order in which I saw them. In this case, I think the re-make was well worth it (also, I preferred the storyline with Ulla in the newer version). Sorry Gene :( Three stars. ★★★
Heavenly Creatures - Okay, I have definitely seen this movie. I don't know how far we got through it that one night at Harvard. Did I fall asleep before it was over? Anyway, watching it through soberly was well worth it so I can finally cross it off my list (even though it's a good movie, it's just I think I saw it on HBO once many years ago). Three and a half stars. ★★★
The Frisco Kid - I had to watch this in bits because I wasn't really in the mood to watch it when I got it. I don't know. I resisted watching Airplane for a long time when my mom rented it for me and my sister, but when I finally sat down to watch it, I loved it. This wasn't the case with The Frisco Kid, but Gene Wilder was amazing, and I can't imagine how John Wayne would have been better in Harrison Ford's role. Three and a half stars. ★★★
A History of Violence - Wow. This movie was amazing. Especially how "real" the blood and head wounds were, which I know shouldn't really add to the quality of the story, but it's something I noticed. Because so much of this movie hinges on the mystery, I won't write anything about the movie (because I have a big mouth), but it was good, and everyone should see it. Also, his "kid" is played by a 27 year old man, so that's something to see. Four stars. ★★★★
Young Frankenstein - Yay! This is one of my favorite movies. It's hilarious and there are so many great scenes. "Put the candle back." "Whatever you do, don't put the candle back." // "What knockers." "Oh, thank you, doctor." Anyway, I should buy this movie, because renting it through blockbuster online means I have to wait a while to watch it, and it's the kind of movie I should be able to see on a whim. Five stars. ★★★★★
Memoirs of a Geisha - Very good movie, even though I kind of feel as though it would have been better if I hadn't read the book first. Four and a half stars. ★★★★
My Date with Drew - I could not bring myself to watch this. I came home with this movie, even though I had the Gus Van Sant documentary, Last Days, in my hands last I remembered (seriously, it's like I blacked out between browsing and hitting the counter to rent), and I also ended up buying Bewitched, because it was sitting in front of me behind a big red sticker that read $4.99. I watched Bewitched that night, and then tried to watch My Date with Drew, but just wanted to slam my head into the desk repeatedly just to distract myself from the awfulness. Bewitched was good, though.
The Exorcism of Emily Rose - I really like any movie that makes me think about real life events. I liked how they used the trial as little post markers in the story, and went back telling Emily's story as though the posession was real. Whether or not you believe it, it's a good movie that poses good arguments for both sides. Four stars. ★★★★

There's No Place Like Home

Emily and I got pedicures today. I really needed it -- Tuesday, I decided to walk half the way home without shoes.

I chose this color because, DUDE, it's the Ruby Red Slippers. It's actually called Ruby Pumps, but I was so excited -- you can ask Emily. I squee'd all over the place. I don't know how I can not get this color next time I go, too. Also, if you look closely to the foot in the background, you'll see the nasty bruise across my big toe that happened from the pumps that I wore all day on Tuesday. I'm so dumb sometimes.

"If you really want, tonight I'll be Jack White for you"

The Raconteurs concert last night was AMAZING.

They opened with Intimate Secretary, and the show was just uphill from there. By the time they played Level, it didn't matter that I didn't have three Guinnesses in me this time, I was dancing, anyway. I actually thought that when they played Store Bought Bones (they had this really long intro that was just...*gushes*), I actually thought I was going to burst. Or die. And that would have been okay.

They came out for an encore, and I can't actually remember the first song they played because I was too busy thinking "PLEASE PLAY STEADY, AS SHE GOES. PLEASE PLAY STEADY, AS SHE GOES. PLEASEPLEASEPLEASE." (you know, because concerts are loud, so I was thinking it really loudly), so they played that next, and I may have actually peed a little bit. I must have looked like a kid on Christmas. I'm genuinely surprised that I didn't lose my voice, and am now wondering what it would take to lose my voice if I didn't last night.

So, if you haven't had a chance to check them out, I suggest you do it now while it's possible they're still touring and will be in your neck of the woods. Because as much as the CD ROCKS my FACE OFF, the live performance went above and beyond my wildest dreams.

Teresa is such a Pimp

Teresa tried to set me up with her friend James last night. The major flaw in this plan is that James lives in Cleveland. And I don't know what he looks like (and Teresa told me he's a little weird. LOL. Thanks, friend).

I just thought I'd document that for the world to see, because it was funny as hell.

Seriously, though -- We would have Mexican/Irish babies. And he's going to be a neurosurgeon (hello, McDreamy?)

Maybe I should move to Cleveland.

All Kinds of Bullshit

Alisa and I are having MORE problems with the landlady.

Alisa says she does understand (I don't). The woman is ninety-six, blah blah blah. You know. She's fucking ancient. And she doesn't like noise. And she's probably blind. And she definitely can't tell the difference between two people and more than two people people, like how she thinks that there are always people "coming and going and coming and going" all the time, when in truth, other than when we have guests over at reasonable hours (or like, the three isolated times we've had overnight guests), there are two of us. Coming. And Going. Once a day. Sometimes on weekends I don't even leave the house. Seriously. I should have bedsores.

I feel a little guilty (emphasis on a little). I mean, this phone call was probably brought on by my extraordinary drunken performance on Tuesday. I was probably VERY LOUD as I tried to get into my apartment and needed help from a co-worker to figure out how to use my keys. I'm sure that I was laughing and maybe even loudly "whispering" that "SHHHH. WE NEED TO BE QUIET BECAUSE MY LANDLADY IS A CRAZY OLD BAT."

However, it doesn't say anywhere in our lease that we can't have guests. And sure, we could be awful people and throw parties and have people over all the time. But because of her (and also because we're not really the loud crazy party animals she acts like we are, anyway) we've felt obligated to limit our guests to reasonable hours. And we're quiet as we can possibly be (Tuesday aside. I feel like Tuesday will fast become the exception to many of my rules). I mean what the hell does she honestly want from us? How could we be better tenants? By not moving or breathing when we're at home? Fuck her. It would be different if this had just happened once. But she's constantly bitching at us about how many people "live here," and last I counted it was two. I know she's nintey-six, but come. on. Get with the program.

I've had a shitty day. The only redeeming thing that happened to me was that I bought the Lemonheads CD on my way home and also picked up the Libertines because I felt like it. So honestly? I hope we are ruining her life. Because right now the unnecessary guilt I'm feeling because she's BATSHIT INSANE is ruining mine.

Like, who the hell has the audacity to call their tenants and ask "how many people" are living there? WHAT? I'm sorry, I couldn't hear you over the bullshit. Can you honestly not tell the difference between us and our friends? Seriously? (My friends come in a wide variety of colors -- we are like a goddamn crayola box. I seriously don't see how she can confuse us and/or think that Alisa and I are multiple people when she's met our friends). We don't give out our keys, even though there's nothing in the lease about that, and let me tell you how much it sucks to have houseguests and have to say, "Yeah, you're going to have to get out at 7:30 or stay locked in the apartment all day. Thanks!"

God, this is all kinds of bullshit. Grey's Anatomy had better be good, because that's the only thing I am looking forward to tonight - and the rest of my life.

I'm Blaming it on the Fact that I'm Still Hung-over

Do you ever get that sinking, "Oh my god, what have I done" feeling?

It's one thing when you're sure about these things (then again, being sure never helped me before), but the uncertainty, and the doubt...and the "oh shit" factor. It's like I enjoy putting myself in situations that can only end in complete and utter embarrassing agony.

Also, ten months is a LONG TIME. Chicago is a LONG WAYS AWAY.

I feel like I need an escape route. Perhaps a tunnel. (Called grad school?)

I'm sorry I'm being so vague. I couldn't be glib about the situation, so I felt like I should be evasive. If the entry is convoluted enough, maybe no one will know what I'm talking about, and by leaving it entirely up to interpretation makes it like a game. Or modern art.

I had Tostitos for breakfast

I woke up in my own bed. Alone (I feel it needs to be said). Still in my halter dress from the night before. When I finally found my purse, it was in the living room sans a box of cloves. My glasses were behind my bed. I tried piecing things together by myself, but all I got was Bar...Booze...mbta? How I got home was a seriously good question, but who took me home was a better one, since I vaguely remembered that, or thought I had vividly dreamed it -- but I distinctly remembered hugging someone. I had to ask around before I got any answers, and none of them answered the biggest question on my mind which was how big a fool I needed to feel today.

But let's rewind a bit. We had a tenth anniversary party at the firm. There was schmoozing, and food, and more importantly, or at least more to the point, there was booze. I'm pretty sure I embarrassed myself, but it was fine until someone in our circle had the phenomenal idea that since we have to buy whatever booze we opened, someone (looks at she who had been pounding drinking the jack and diet cokes all night) should polish off the bottle of Jack Daniels, so the bartender would have to open a new one.

This is unrelated, but I was surprised to find out that a lot of people in the firm are married to other architects. I guess it makes sense, since you spend so much time around it.

Anyway, since the free booze at the office wasn't enough, apparently, we hit a bar afterwards - Red Sky. I do remember a lot of the evening, just not the getting home part. I'm not exactly known for being able to hold my liquor, so I was in fine form. I think Tim described it best when he said, "Briar has been here a month and has hardly said a word to me, and the first time she says anything substantial, it's all 'Bitch, what?'" My friends know it well as the "Briar has no filter, much less when she's been drinking" phenomenon (like the time I stone cold sober wrote "Beirut, What?" in Lesley and Steve's wedding card).

So, everyone at work found out about me and my non existent filter, and also how that little quiet introverted girl who sits in the corner doesn't say anything because, hello, piping hot giant bowl of the crazy. And then I needed to be walked home. The end? Question mark?